by Miles Raymer
I'm kidding, of course. I had no idea that they were even dating until I clicked through a link to a Daily Mail article about a Kate Moss photo shoot and saw an item about the couple's brand-new engagement, which happened over the weekend via Twitter, that most romantic of social media networks, and there is high likelihood that you didn't either unless you are a chronic TMZ addict, which I really hope you're not because that's awful.
But I was glad that I ran across this particular gossip item. Things have been really grim recently, even for people who don't have seasonal affective disorder or find the holiday season to be oppressive on a number of distinct levels, as so many of us do. Normally we turn to comedians to distract us when things get unbearable, but sometimes the events unfolding around us are too huge and too horrible to laugh at directly, and the best thing that funny people can do is to respectfully step aside. And that is why it's such a blessing that we have famous stupid people living hilariously vapid lives very much in public, in real time, for us to enjoy and to laugh at without having to think too hard about whether or not it's appropriate.
Below, highlights of the epic romance between a guy who's famous for wearing a foam rubber mouse head and a woman who's famous for dating a Nazi-festishizing motorcycle mechanic who used to be married to a movie star.
• Apparently Von Drachenberg and Zimmerman have only been dating since September, but they've already broken up at least once during that time. When they split Von Drachenberg took to Twitter (of course she did) to call the decision a "no-brainer."
• Instead of presenting Von Drachenberg with an engagement ring, a hallowed part of the Western romantic tradition going all the way back to the 1930s, Zimmerman sent her with a .jpeg of the unfinished ring that he planned to give to her once the jeweler put a black diamond in the setting, suggesting exactly how well thought out this whole venture was.
• In a tweet thanking her followers for their many congratulations Von Drachenberg wrote, "Please excuse me while I go squeeze the hell out of my fiance," suggesting that they were actually within close physical proximity to each other while they were getting engaged on the Internet.
• "Holy fucking shit. I'm engaged and stuff!" was Zimmerman's eloquent response to Von Drachenberg assent. "Yeah, im love," he continued. "[I]nb4 I find a fuck to give over the Internet implodes over it ;) at least I'm happy! Lol," suggesting that the engagement itself is on some level some kind of highly advanced conceptual trolling.
• The couple celebrated their new level of commitment by Von Drachenberg giving Zimmerman the same tacky beauty mark tattoo she has on her face. He got a face tattoo from a woman he's been dating unsteadily for three months who only recently told the world she was better off without him.
I am sure this is not even close to a complete list of everything LOL-worthy about this situation, but it's enough. I'm sure the happy couple have a wonderful future together ahead of them, one which doesn't involve bad decisions made with little to no forethought, very public breakups conducted via social media, and/or illicit sexual relationships with reality TV stars.