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Get in the holiday spirit with a male chastity belt!

A safety lesson not for the squeamish. Plus: "dump" = "trump"?

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Q: After spending some years in the doldrums after having kids, my husband and I are now enjoying hot kinky sex and the occasional free pass to fuck other people. We couldn't be happier. I have a friend who was extremely keen for me to cage his cock with the same kind of locking male-chastity device I got for my husband—a fixed-ring stainless-steel type. I have two questions: (1.) It took some maneuvering to get my husband's balls through one by one, followed by his cock, but he managed. Is it OK for his balls to swell up tight, get cold, and go purple when he's wearing the cock cage and he is aroused? He says it doesn't hurt, and he is wearing it only while I peg him—a couple of hours, tops. (2.) My friend couldn't get his balls and cock into the cage. His balls never dropped as a child, so he had an operation that pulled them down but fixed them in place. Consequently they sit "high and tight" and can't be pulled away from his body. Can you recommend a cage that might fit him? He is into total submission and orgasm denial, and he wants to experience long-term forced chastity and relinquish control of his dick to me. (Hot, right?!) If a cage can't work for him, are there other toys/methods I can use to give him that sense of surrendered cock and loss of control? —Bitch Ably Locking Lucky Sluts Up Properly

A: (1.) "The first rule of thumb when it comes to male chastity is this: If the balls go blue or cold, take the fucking cock cage off!" said Christopher Miers, the founder and creative force behind Steelwerks (steelwerksextreme.com). "For the sake of their marriage and the longevity of their hot kinky sex life, BALLSUP needs to get her guy a cage that keeps him trapped but still in the realm of safe!"

A short primer for readers who aren't familiar with male chastity devices: Most are anchored in place by a ring that goes around the shaft and behind the balls. The penis slides into a cylinder that attaches to the top of the ring, and the cylinder prevents erections and can even punish erections. (Some are lined with spikes.) Once the chastity device is locked—cheaper ones with a wee padlock, custom ones with something more artful—there's no way to remove it (and free the cock) without tearing the balls off.

Back to you, BALLSUP: Listen to Miers and toss the device you're using now and get your husband a chastity cage that doesn't turn his balls purple.

(2.) "I encountered my first client with the 'balls not dropping issue' a few years back, and it is a challenge when it comes to chastity," said Miers. "For most of these guys, I encourage a PA (aka a Prince Albert, a device that involves poking a bonus hole in the urethra below the head of the cock and putting a ring through it) as a means of anchoring a lightweight chastity device." But if your friend can handle some pressure on his balls, BALLSUP, a traditional style chastity device with a hinged or two-piece cock ring still might work.

Q: I'm a 29-year-old bi female living on the east coast, and I've been in a relationship for three months. It's been a few years since I've dated anyone seriously, and I'm really enjoying it. We have a good relationship so far, and he's great in a lot of ways, but that's part of the problem. Next summer, he will be moving back to his hometown in the midwest. I just started my dream job, so there's no way I would follow him. I'm uncertain about doing the long-distance thing. Since we're only three months into this, should I cut my losses and call it quits and move on? Or should I enjoy these next six months and let the chips fall where they may, whether it's the end of the relationship or the transition to long-distance? —Impending Expiration Date

A: Anything could happen in the next six months. You could lose your dream job, this guy could decide not to return to his midwestern hometown after all, or you could turn on the news and learn a mega tsunami 300 feet high is racing toward the east coast and you have eight hours to get the fuck out before your city is washed off the map. So keep dating this guy, because, hey, you never know. What you want and where you want to be can change radically in six months' time.

Q: Since you had the ability to make Santorum what he is today (a substance, not a senator), would you promote the new meme that Trump = dump? As in "I have to take a trump" or "I just took a major trump—like a transatlantic-cable trump." —Gross Old Politicians

A: I'm Dan Savage, and I approve this meme.  v

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