Lit & Lectures » Fiction

Fiction Issue 2009: I Think the Company I'm Temping for May Be Masterminding a Plot for Global Domination

"Let me ask you a question though man: Do you take dumps at work?"

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The following electronic communications were subpoenaed by order of the attorney general of the United States. One is from the private e-mail files of the defendant, International Strategic Initiative, LLC. The rest are from the social networking site Facebook in what are known as "Facebook messages" and "wall posts." They were all removed from the accounts of one Phillip Trogdon of New York, NY. The original author is one Jeffrey Treydon Merritt of Chicago, IL.

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Trey "Chuggers" Merritt As much as I really wanted to answer your 4th phone call at 6 in the morning on Saturday, I thought, "is this really going to be a quality conversation?" Haha . . . just kidding. What's up Trog? I'm just getting adjusted to the city life myself . . . Living in a bullshit aptartment the size of your dick and all that. Got a sweet temp job too! (which I should probably be doing work at right now instead of checking facebook! Fuck the man!) Aight kid, hit me back by message so we can chat more extensive-like.

August 24 at 11:32am • Comment • Like • See Wall-to-Wall

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Trey "Chuggers" Merritt August 25 at 10:02am

Cubs win, Trog gets his dick stuck in his zipper and writes hilarious message on facebook . . . Best Day EVER. Haha, what's happening dude? Just read your message and laughed my ASS off. Sounds like the Big Apple's treating you well so far. As for me, not much to report. Like I said I have this temp job, which absolutely blows. And it's not even that it blows a little, but literally it blows like a king-size donkey dick.

I sit at a goddamn desk all day doing whatever bullshit task my douchebag supervisor hands me (usually it involves "collating" something or "stapling" something or some other equally brain-busting task that my psych degree thoroughly failed to prepare me for). Oh, and my supervisor's name is "Brick." I'm not fucking making that up man—motherfucker's name is Brick Hudson. Can you believe that? If you can imagine a douchebag big enough to match that name than you're frankly getting close to what Brick Hudson is like. Of course he's like 6-5, blonde gelled hair and a Sox fan, so that doesn't help his case. God, he's really fucking lame. Actually this whole place is basically a douchebag metropolis. Douche City. Douche Bigalo. Douche Coupe . . . eh, I ran out of things.

Oh, but there is some serious talent here. So that's good.

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Trey "Chuggers" Merritt August 26 at 10:13am

Excellent work! On the drinking part, not the ass.

So the name of the company is Strategic Initiative Cooperative, LLC. (I think. It may actually be Strategic Vision Initiative but who the fuck cares?), and I think they do something with energy trading or finance or some shit like that. All I know is that I understand absolutely dick whenever a company-wide memo goes out. I've started just deleting them when they pop into my inbox.

Let me ask you a question though man: Do you take dumps at work?

I only ask because the bathroom situation here is seriously fucked. Like I'm stuck in my own cubicle in the corner of the 32nd floor—right next to Brick and as far away from all the talent as humanly fucking possible—but then when I go to take a shit, I'm practically sitting on dudes laps. Seriously man, there's eight stalls for the whole floor and they're all right in a row, so if you go in there at like 9:45 right after everyone's had his first cup of coffee, it's a fucking symphony or something. Like dueling banjos of farts and shits. God I can't stand it.

However: Back to the talent. So I've identified three potential prospects just on this floor alone. First talent is named Susan and she's this tall, skinny redhead, very severe-looking, like dominatrix-type chick. She's a little older, but I think still in her 20s and she always wears these skirts that are pure thigh plaster. Second one, I don't know her name yet because I have no reason to pass her desk, but she's pure TalAsian. That's right: Talented Asian. She looks like Lucy Liu only with the biggest tits (seriously, these things are like rock stars: they sing to me every time she goes by). And last but not least is Vicky. Vicky is sex on crack. She is porn star sexy. Sexy like sexy went out of style and everyone forgot what sexy was until boom this fucking chick shows up looking like Jenna Jameson just ate Jessica Alba and shit out the sexiest fucking chick ever created and everyone in the world was like "Oh fuck is that sexy," and even all the abstinence teachers were like, "Kids, save yourselves for marriage, unless you see Vicky, in which case fuck her till your genitals drop off!" That kind of sexy.

Don't worry man, Chuggers is hot on the trail! Sexy can't escape his pussy-seeking radar for long!

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Trey "Chuggers" Merritt August 28 at 10:13am

Good to hear it, Trog. I'ma follow your lead. I'm drinking vodka redbull at 11 o'clock on a sunday morning. Cubs better fucking win . . . Have you heard from Bojo lately? Did that dude drop off the planet or what? Fucking dude moving in with a girl, what a crock of shit.

Update from the Chuggers-verse: Brick the Prick says I'm doing a "bang-up job" . . . Guess that forty-thousand-dollar-a-year education is sure paying off. I can photocopy the shit out of a memo! Also, I'm not sure, but I think Brick might be banging Vicky, which would be a serious disappointment. Not only is this guy the biggest tool in the box, he's like the all-in-one tool. He's like a screwdriver, a hammer, a blowtorch, and a sabersaw all rolled into a pocket-knife and stuffed into a wrench set. Seriously, fuck that guy. But Vicky's always over at his desk talking to him in low murmurs, so he's gotta be fucking her.

Oh, well. Maybe TalAsian is single.

Also, I'm pasting just so you can get an idea of how fucking absurd this company is, someone accidentally sent me one of the memos meant for the senior account managers.

"DOJ will continue to make inquiries into Aug. 12 Sat-Tel linkup. Reiteration that AFPK region remains a stabilized commodity and cannot expect change in shipment venues anytime soon. Members of C-PAK team should coordinate with K-AF for further intervention in any Agency activities. Agency will continue to make inquiries as well. Shipments to IQ remain subject to cancellation should intelligence of TR movement prove insufficient. Commodities remain in transit via IR. All parties are recommended to refer to interoffice memo of Aug. 13 "Overseas Contingency Intelligence Adjustment Strategy." ISI legal team recommendations remain pertinent."

I got out my Corporate Horseshit Dictionary, but none of that translates. Maybe you can make something of it, Captain Finance Fuck! Aight dude, I'm out. Gott take an uncomfortalbe TR movement . . .

Trey "Chuggers" Merritt Sorry mannn I just had topost on your wall tongith . . . holy shit brother I am one fucked uop dude . . . oh shit ig to work tomorrow . . . oh shit in like3 hours! Oh shit I gotta go.

August 29 at 4:32am • Comment • Like • See Wall-to-Wall

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Trey "Chuggers" Merritt August 29 at 9:55am

Fuck me man am I hungover . . . I mean Jesus Jacked-up Christ on a waterski. Yeah, I wrote that on your wall when I got home from this party I was at. Remember my buddy from high school—we call him Floater? We were at one of his friends' apartments till like 3:30 . . . Then I woke up and found that for some reason I decided to barf in my microwave. I think I was trying to contain the smell and that microwaves are airtight. TRUST ME they are not . . . Ugh, then I got into work late and Brick the Slick was all over my shit. He comes over to my cube and is all like, "Trey, this is the first and last time you're gonna make it in 45 minutes late, got it? Cuz the next time you'll be looking for another job."

Oh, I wanted to fucking smack his dumbshit little pretty boy face. You call this a job? Douchebag. Then he gave me notes from his meeting that morning to type up. Who gives a flying fuck how many fucking active oil wells Azerbeijan has? What a twat.

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Trey "Chuggers" Merritt September 22 at 11:34am

Hey man, long timey no speaky! Thanks for the update on Bojo. What a fucking schizo! I swear one day that guy is gonna Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris a whole fucking university. Jesus. Not much new to report here. I did finally get that bathroom situation figured out. Down on the 33rd floor is where all the head honchos have their offices and the bathrooms there are all these individual walk-in palaces. They have 2 stalls, a lock on the door, and all this nice high-class shit like breath mints and tooth picks. I just print out a bunch of stories from ESPN.com and head down there with my iPod. Make it last, you know? I guess they assume the underpaid plebes won't make use of the Taj Mahal toilets because we're in such cowering fear of the high and mighty masters of the universe or whatever, but the fuck do I care? What are they gonna fire me from collating? Trust me, I'll risk it to take a shit in some solitude.

Talent update: Vicky the porn star now knows my name. I think probably because Brick Hudsucksmydickson talks shit about me behind my back, but so far she's been really cool to me. God she's sexy. The other day in the break room she goes, "Rough night?"!!!!!!!!!!! Jesus, I couldn't even look at her. I just go: "You could say that." Then she goes. "It's not college anymore is it? 9 o'clock rolls around fast." I was gonna say more but then fucking Brick walks in and gives me this look that says, "I know you want to fuck her, but too bad because that's my piece, go try your luck with Rebecca the fat zitty temp."

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Trey "Chuggers" Merritt Talent update: Chuggers is now FB friends with Vicky. You should see her pictures man—holy balls: Let's just say she's vacayed in Cancun and it looks like something out of a Chuggers wet dream.

September 22 at 4:32am • Comment • Like • See Wall-to-Wall


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Trey "Chuggers" Merritt September 29 at 2:24pm

OK dude I just found out something big. Like so big I didn't even know who to take it to except for you—mostly just because I've been bitching to you about this place since I got here, but this . . . OK so one of the things Brick has me doing now is setting up the board room for the meetings of all the company's higher-ups right? So I have to like put their agendas in front of the seats, get the iced tea and coffee ready—all that shit. But the other day, I'm in there right? And I'm supposed to set up the teleconferencing but I hit the wrong button and up pops this map on the big screen on the wall. So it's like this map of the world and there are arrows going all over it, like to every country, and some arrows come back and there were little symbols that meant stuff that I couldn't figure out, really fucking whack acronyms but it looks like most are going out of the company and into other countries and then there were little number figures for money. Swear to god, this place does business fucking everywhere man! It looked like they had shit set up in Somolia! Isn't that the country from Black Hawk Down or the Kingdom or something? I forget which one of those kicked ass and which was gayer than a rainbow dildo.

But seriously can you fucking believe what I found here? This multinational corporation with its hands in every pot around the globe, raking in billions of dollars doing god knows what can't even afford to pay its temps more than $12 motherfucking dollars an hour? I mean, it's only so long before my mom and dad are totally gonna get sick of propping me up and funding my drinking habit. I've already switched to PBR pretty much every weekend.

Dude, fuck these people. What a bunch of cheap assholes

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Trey "Chuggers" Merritt October 5 at 1:56pm

Whoa have you ever been totally bitched out by a really hot woman? Let me tell you it is fucking terrifying. You know that Asian Talent I've been telling you about? The one with the huge, jaw-dropping tats? Yeah, well she was just over at my desk and basically took my asshole, jammed my own head up it, and then used a miter saw to cut a new one where my balls used to be, so for the rest of time I'll be taking shits out of my own scrotum.

Apparently, I misspelled one of the acronyms on a memo, and this caused her to fuck something up and now the higher-ups have caught wind of this massive, world-ending catfuckstrophe which is apparently going to bring down the company!

I mean Jesus Christ cut me a break, it was a goddamn typo.

So then after she gets done bitching me out and telling me that Jarnig's going to fucking lose his mind over this (Jarnig is the CEO or CFO or one of those fucking people who everyone's always cock-slobbering over), she and Brick are all huddling in his cubicle asking who they have in Saudi Arabia who can fix this or some such crock of shit. I swear this place is insane. No one even goes out for drinks after work.

Do you have a bong? How much did you spend on yours? Floater's trying to sell me his but he wants $100 for it. I definitely don't have $100 but I definitely need a bong. I'm too old and have acquired too much self-respect to keep smoking out of a pop can.

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Trey "Chuggers" Merritt Well well well guess who just had a conversation with Vicky?

Check it out: I see her outside while I'm coming up after lunch, and she's smoking a cigarette, and I'm all like "I didn't know you smoked," and she goes "Yeah, well sometimes this place gets your stress levels spiking." From there we had a ten minute conversation while she finished her cigarette . . .

What's my point, you ask? Same as it's always been man: Chuggers persists.

October 12 at 3:59pm • Comment • Like • See Wall-to-Wall


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Trey "Chuggers" Merritt October 13 at 10:56pm

Dude don't go to a fucking yankees game! What kind of traitorous CUBBIES fan are you? Jesus you want me to buy you a tampon and a T-shirt that says "I am simultaneously a vagina and an asshole"?

So remember this memo thing I told you about? The typo that made the TalAsian bite my head off? Christ if I had known it was going to be this big a deal I would've run fucking spellcheck. This douchebag Jarnig showed up on our floor this morning and just brought a rain of shit down on everyone's heads. He points to TalAsian and says "Blaming other people isn't going to cut it!" That was pretty cool because I think he was basically saying like "Don't blame the temps man! They only make 12 bucks an hour!"

See what I mean man? When I say Chuggers persists I mean that I'm a survivor. When shit hits the fan, Chuggers is the blades spewing that shit right back at the people who chucked it in the first place.

But then this Jarnig chach was off and running about how we were closing in on the goal line and we couldn't afford mistakes now and the UAE cell was about to go active (whatever the fuck that means—why can't these people just speak in English?) . . . Anyway, bought the bong for $80, which was still a little pricey but it hits really nice. All I have is this garbage weed right now, so I need to find a hookup. Also I havn't had sex since I moved to the city and need to get my balls in some cow's eye pronto!

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Trey "Chuggers" Merritt October 25 at 4:56pm

Hey man that sucks. I'm sorry to hear that but you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes. If Rachel doesn't want to move to NY next year, that's just some shit you're gonna have to get over, you know? I totally understand how close you guys are, and you seem really happy, but look, if she passes up that gig in San Diego and ends up regretting it, she'll blame you for it. Sometimes shit just doesn't work out, you know? I remember last year when Stacey told me she wanted to break up after graduation. Jesus dude it was like someone hit me with a shovel. I mean I was in love with that chick and she basically told me I'd been a college fling. I know it sucks now but you'll get past it. Call me if you wanna talk.


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Trey "Chuggers" Merritt October 26 at 11:13am

Anytime man. Don't worry about it. And you DEFINITELY don't need to thank me. It was good talking to you too. We need to do that more . . .

 . . . And in other news I think I'm totally gonna fuck Vicky's brains in!

No for real man, I think she's into me. Check this out: Of course I check Facebook before I check my fucking work email, so I get to my desk this morning and I have a facebook message from her, right? (I also shit in Jarnig's bathroom before I check my work email, that dumb corporate blowjob). Anyway, the message just says "meet me for a cigarette at 1030". So obviously I'm sitting at my desk with an erection practically busting through the keyboard for that entire time, but then when we're outside she's all fidgety and nervous so obviously I'm thinking she wants to go in the stairwell and pull my hair while I slobber on her pussy but then she just gives me this package and tells me that she might have to go see her dad who's sick in the hospital and that if she for whatever reason is not at work the next day I should mail this package and that it's sooo important and she really needs my help with it, and she thinks she can trust me because I seem like such a good guy blah blah blah.

(And yes, while she's saying all this all I'm wondering is: when we have titty-sex, will you suck the tip or maybe want to use some kind of lube?)

But anyway now I'm doing her this huge favor right! She definitely wants to hear me fart in the morning, I can tell.

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Trey "Chuggers" Merritt October 26 at 11:24am

Dude that was a totally great idea! I just went over and said the most brilliant shit to her (had to plan it out for a couple minutes but I think it was good) . . . I walked right up to her desk, pretended to hand her a memo and then just said, "So since I'm doing you this big favor, I think it's only fair that you let me buy you dinner."

You're brilliant Trog. Good advice. I felt like Brad Pitt, I swear to god . . . it was such a badass move, and she said "yeah, I'd like that." And guess what? I heard her fighting with Brick SuckMyHud(son) the other day so I think that's over, but just to be sure I'm totally gonna tell her at dinner on Friday that I caught that dumb blowjob staring at TalAsian's tits.


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Trey "Chuggers" Merritt hahahaha yeah man, that's my new thing: Calling people "blowjobs"

October 26 at 4:32am • Comment • Like • See Wall-to-Wall


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Trey "Chuggers" Merritt October 28 at 9:05am

Dude you will not fucking believe this: Vicky got hit by a train last night.

Not kidding. Not even making it up. Jesus, I can't fucking believe this, you know? She's just waiting for the train home and falls onto the tracks as it's pulling into the subway stop. How completely fucked up is that? I just got to work and everyone's talking about it . . . Looks like Brick doesn't care too much though. He was all "I know this hurts but lets keep our eyes on the prize people" . . .

Jesus man, this is fucking unreal. Now I'm gonna wonder about this chick for the rest of my life, you know?


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Trey "Chuggers" Merritt November 29 at 9:05am

Sorry its taken me so long to get back to you after that last message dude . . . shit has just been crazy at work lately. There's some big year-end project we're working on around here and it involves all this complicated shit, including transporting hazardous materials apparently! That's right: Basically my job has become printing out bio-hazard instructions. What do I do with these instructions? I walk them down to this lab downstairs where a guy takes them and then goes into a room for five minutes. Then he comes back and I have to go shred the instructions. I do this all day every day—but, oh isn't it great! I get to set up the meetings in the boardroom still! Yippy skippy!

And they're having board meetings almost every day now so I'm basically just running around the building for eight hours. I seriously need to look for a new job.

Oh, and no I never did mail that package. You think I still should? I mean Vicky's dead so it'd be like weird if someone got it and was like "Oh shit Vicky's alive!" but then it turns out "oh no dude she's dead and it still sucks!" I guess she did say to mail it if she had to miss work, though . . .

I just checked and it's supposed to go to the Dept. of Justice . . . probably just some work bullshit. I guess that's cool, right?

10:47am Dec. 1

From: ContractWorker@InternationalStrategicInitiative.net

To: PhillerUpTrog@Yahoo.com

Sub: Holy fuck my ass

Ok, you wanna here some fucking bullshit? They blocked facebook at work! God I hate this fucking place! I know they can probably see this and read my mail and shit cuz this is their account but fuck it (plus reading the employee email is probably pretty low on their list of shit to do or whatever).

And this day has been fucking brutal enough already. Everyone's in a pissy mood because I guess these dumb corporate monkeys are launching some new project today and it's like a really big deal . . . I was in the board room earlier and they have the video conference shit set up with like 40 TV screens or something . . . like how many other morons do they need to talk to at once?

God I'm gonna go take a shit in Jarnig's bathroom just to get away from these assholes for a while. I just might leave a floater, too . . . Later dude.

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Trey "Chuggers" Merritt December 1 at 1:46pm

HOLY FUCKING SHIT MAN I wish I had a phone so I could call and tell you this fucking story but it got broken today, so I ran home to write this to you. HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT ok sorry I'm kind of on a spazzing lapse here . . . ok, so check it out, did you get that email I wrote you this morning? Ok, so right after that I go down to the 36th floor to take my shit in the executive bathrooms like I always do, I got my ESPN articles, I got my iPod, and I've been so fucking stressed lately from work, I'm like Fuck It—I'm going to sit on this toilet and listen to some fucking Lil Wayne and read some ESPN and just chill the fuck out for like an hour, so I did, and I guess at the time I kinda heard some shit going on in the building but I just thought it was like the Execs putting in more fucking TVs or whatever, but then I hear this guy come in and I'm like fuck am I in trouble? But it sounds like he's running all around vomiting everywhere, so I'm like I better peace out, but finally I figure he must have left because he stops making all that noise. So finally after taking an hour and a half of just sitting on the toilet I get up, flush and go to wash my hands but the fucking water isn't working. So I'm like fuck, I don't want to walk around with poopy-hands all goddamn day, and then I look over and there's this dude in a suit sitting on the floor with FUCKING BLOOD all over his shit and he looks dead. So I'm like shit I gotta go tell someone that this dickhead just shot himself in Jarnig's bathroom, and I'm freaking out right? So then I open the door to leave and I step into fucking MADNESS. The entire office—the entire executive floor!—is torn to shit. There's like smoke and a busted water pipe and the sprinklers are going off and the desks are all blown to shit and then I realize there are bullet holes all over the wall and like fucking DEAD PEOPLE everywhere! And I see this guy lying in his own blood and he's like gargling it and shit and there's a gun lying beside him and then this huge motherfucking swat team guy comes and kicks it away from him and then this other Huge ass swat dude grabs me by the wrist and says "Who the fuck are you" and I was so fucking scared I would've shit myself (you know if I hadn't just spent the last hour and a half taking a dump), and I'm all like "I'm a temp here! Don't fucking shoot me." Then suddenly, these motherfuckers are dragging me down the stairwell and out to the street and I look around and like the whole police force of Chicago must've been there, like I swear SWAT teams everywhere and I look up and part of the building is on fire and there are people in those haz-mat suits running around and I'm just like WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? And some asshole handcuffs me and puts me in the back of a cop car and finally after like an hour of just sitting in the cop car listening to gunfire and explosions and shit in the building, this other asshole in a suit comes and gets me and takes the handcuffs off and asks "Did you know Victoria Legler?" And I'm like who the fuck is that who the fuck are you what the fuck is going on, why are you fucking up the building, but then I realize he's talking about Vicky and I'm like yeah I know her and he's like "did you mail a package for her two days ago?" and I'm like yeah, and then he just nods at this dude and that dude says, "Kid, we need to talk to you but not right now." And then the FUCKING 63RD FLOOR JUST BLOWS THE FUCK UP and everyone's running to get away from all the falling glass and that's when I was like: fuck this business and I take off. And that's when I ran home. I swear man, I'm gonna send you the link because I guarantee this whole thing is going to be on BoingBoing or StumbleUpon tomorrow.


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Trey "Chuggers" Merritt December 1 at 1:49pm

Oh, I guess it's on TV. Dude turn on CNN.


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Trey "Chuggers" Merritt December 7 at 2:35pm

Yeah, dude sorry I never got back to you—man I have been busy as all fuck with all these interviews. In the last week I've talked to the FBI, ATF, CIA, and Justice Department—and you know what? At first they were all like, "What was your knowledge of the ISI plot?" And after I explain forever that I'm just a temp and I didn't give a shit what was going on around the office, they're like "Kid are you fucking retarded?"

I mean, these government people are some serious douchebags—probably worse than Brick the Slick Prick (who by the way, apparently jumped out of a window with a bomb of nerve gas strapped to his chest to help Jarnig make a getaway in the corporate helicopter! But the bomb didn't even go off cuz like I guess the Pakistani scientists they'd hired hadn't armed it yet! What a complete pussy right?!) . . .

Anyway, I guess I'm not in trouble or anything. I just had to make all these statements and shit . . . Oh and I guess those assholes threw Vicky in front of that train. Fucking lame. So I was all like "When do I get my medal of honor from the president?" and these guys didn't think it was very funny. They told me I'm not allowed to leave the state just in case it turns out I'm some sweet criminal mastermind or something—but yeah, I guess it turns out the company I was temping for was like masterminding some plot for global domination. The dudes told me they were like setting off simultaneous terrorist attacks in major cities and like deploying private contractor troops to seize certain resources or weapons I think—or maybe they were arming disgruntled militias to topple governments or something . . . You know I don't really remember all of it. One of the CIA chicks did have a smoking ass, though. It was one of those really round ones that you just wanna lean in and take a bite out of it like a really ripe plum.

So anyway now I've got this new job temping at this other place. They do like biomedical research or something. They'll probably release some plague and then the fucking FBI will try to blame me for that too.

OK man, I gotta run. They're like super strict about people not being on facebook here . . . Shit at least the take-over-the-world company wasn't a bunch of pricks like that. God I hate douchebags. Whatever man, Chuggers persists.   

For past fiction issues see chicagoreader.com/fiction.

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