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Savage Love: December 30, 2010

Role-play ruined by romance, "not dating" a "not boyfriend," and more.

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Q I really need some help and comfort. I'm a straight 25-year-old woman, and I've been dating my boyfriend for four years. I've never been the romantic type—until I met him. At the beginning we were purely sexual. We love role-playing, and we always came up with erotic fantasies of me being fucked and used by multiple men, or some fantasy where others were involved. It was hot to me until I fell in love with him. Now he's the only thing that turns me on.

Even though he says he loves me, I can't say he gets turned on by thinking of only me. We still continue these fantasies, but lately I'm finding that every single time we're intimate he talks about things he wants other men (and women) to do to me or what he wants to do with others while I'm around. He never talks about a hot fantasy that involves just the two of us. I drew the line when he started bringing my best friend into our role-playing. When I told him I'd prefer that he didn't, he ignored me and talked about her anyway. The last time I brought it up he said he wouldn't tell me his fantasies anymore—instead he'd just tell me what I want to hear. He also said that by asking him to stop thinking of others I'm demeaning him and his sexuality.

I've done everything I can to please him. I've done things sexually that I swore I would never do because I trusted him. I guess my question is, am I demeaning him when I ask him to not bring up others in our role-playing every time we're intimate? It wouldn't bother me if it were once in a while. I wind up feeling unattractive and never good enough. What can I do to make him want only me? —Not Good Enough

A Nothing.

He's never gonna want just you and only you, NGE. All that crazy, groupy, kinky shit that turned him on when you first got together—the shit that turned you on before you fell in love with him—still turns him on and always will turn him on.

Now, I know you're not doing it on purpose, NGE, and this is just how you feel, and feelings are sacrosanct lil' mysteries and there's nothing you can do about them, but I've never understood people who are up for anything with someone they're into—dirty talk, crazy sex, groups (real or imagined)—up until the moment they fall in love with that person.

Um . . . shouldn't falling in love, and the deepening feelings of trust and security that go along with that, open a couple up to new possibilities, new horizons, new sexual adventures?

And if falling in love with someone means the end of sexual adventure and fantasy and role-play—if falling in love means previously acceptable fantasies wind up on your partner's no-fly list—isn't that a huge disincentive to fall in love?

That said, NGE, your boyfriend should, at the very least, mix it the fuck up. Even if you were into groups—or still into groups, or still into thoughts of groups—hearing about groups each and every time you fuck would get pretty fucking tedious after four years. And pressing ahead with annoying fantasies about specific people—your best friend, your mom, your boss—after you've asked him to stop is an asshole move. If he needs dirty talk to get off he should find new dirty scenarios to explore, including some that involve you and only you, save the group fantasies for once in a while, and leave your best friend out of it.

As for feeling unattractive, you should make him aware of your insecurities—if you haven't already—and he should be considerate enough to come through with regular reassurances about your attractiveness, his feelings for you, how hot he thinks your body is, etc, etc.

Finally, NGE, I want to emphasize again that there's nothing you can do to make him want you and only you. He is who he is, he's turned on by what turns him on, and you knew that when you fell in love with him. You have neither the right nor the power to reach into his erotic imagination and yank out the bits that conflict with your ideas of what sex is or should be when two people are in love.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that your attitude is demeaning, though. It's more delusional, perhaps, with a sprinkling of irrational jimmies. But not demeaning.

Q I'm a 21-year-old male in a loving and committed relationship. The sex is great; the evenings together are great. It's a perfectly happy relationship except for this one thing: I can't get enough change. I want to be having sex with someone else. One girl is never going to be enough to make me happy.

I've asked her about the possibility of having a threesome. She said she'd never go for that, not MMF or FFM. She's utterly against it and always will be. But I need more. Sad fact. What do I do? —Coming Up More

A You could stick it out, I suppose, in the hopes that true love has the opposite effect on your girlfriend than it did on NGE here and that once she's crazy for you, CUM, she'll want to fuck other people and will give you the go-ahead to do the same. The odds of that happening, however, are close enough to nonexistent that I would be stripped of my professional accreditation if I advised you to live in hope.

Look, CUM, you're 21 and you're not ready to settle down—or settle for one person—not yet anyway, maybe not ever. However lovely this girl is, however pleasant your evenings together are, you're not sexually compatible. There would be fewer divorces and less heartbreak if people were encouraged to view sexual incompatibility as the deal breaker it inevitably becomes over time.

Dump the nice girl, be single, fuck around, and keep your eyes peeled for a girl who wants what you want, change and all.

Q My friend—I swear, I actually mean my friend—has been "not dating" his "not boyfriend" since August. They see each other on an almost daily basis and have even had a conversation about exclusivity. But the "not boyfriend" won't fuck my friend! What's even weirder is that they started out as fuck buddies, then didn't speak for a year before they started "not dating."

What should my friend do? He'd like to have sex with the "not boyfriend" since it was awesome the first run. —Concerned Lesbian

A It's possible that your friend's not boyfriend seroconverted sometime after their fuck-buddy arrangement expired and before they started dating, and wants to disclose his new HIV status before they start fucking again but is having a hard time working up the nerve.

Or it could be that your friend's not boyfriend isn't into your friend sexually but depends on his emotional support and doesn't want to have to share him, or compete for his nonsexual attentions, with a real live honest-to-god boyfriend.

Here's what your friend should do: tell the not boyfriend that while he values the emotional intimacy they share, he's looking for sexual intimacy too. If there's some reason why they're not fucking, he wants to know what it is. If there's no reason, he wants to start fucking. Your friend needs to make it clear that there will be no "exclusivity"—and no more "not dating"—until they're not not fucking.

Care to comment? Find this column at chicagoreader.com. Send letters to mail@savagelove.net. Download the Savage Lovecast every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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