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Savage Love



Hey, Faggot:

I read your column every week, and it seems like all your mail is from people who think you're evil incarnate. You must hate going to work in the morning if all you ever get are complaints! Doesn't anyone ever send you a well-deserved compliment?

I guess not, so here's a bunch: I'm a straight guy who loves your column. All my straight friends love your column--even my straight old Republican dad loves your column. I've learned so much reading your column, and picked up tips on lots of new sex things to try. You're funny, and your advice is right on. Don't let the bastards get you down.


Hey, EKG:

Don't you worry your pointy li'l breeder head about me, sweetness: I get lots of complimentary mail from people who think my column is absolutely all that. But I don't run those letters because, well, (a) compliments aren't very interesting, and (b) unlike some advice columnists I could name, I am not an insecure bag o' slop.

But your letter got me thinking. Perhaps never running complimentary letters has created a false impression. Not among my readers--you guys know what's what. I'm worried about the editors at the papers that run my column. If all they ever see in here are angry letters, they might get the mistaken impression that readers don't like Savage Love very much, and they might drop me! So in the interests of balance and fairness and accuracy and supporting my increasingly expensive heroin habit, here is a completely complimentary column, all about how wonderful I am. It's my Christmas present to myself.

Hey, Faggot:

I am a public health student at the University of Michigan. Every week my brother cuts your column out from the Chicago Reader and mails it to me. I just want you to know that I think you are incredibly fucking BRILLIANT!!!!

All the best, Larissa

Hey, L:

Why, thank you, my dear. And give my regards to the rest of the shapely coeds at UM. Go, um, boberlinkbearcats!

Hey, Faggot:

Your column is the first thing I turn to when I pick up the paper, and I just wanted to let you know that your advice is laugh-out-loud funny and deeply insightful.

People are often quick to send letters of complaint (I know, because I'm a reporter for a Jewish newspaper), but they don't always find the time to let people know that their small contribution to society, whatever it is, really means something. I look forward to reading Savage Love every week.

Sincerely, Abigail

Hey, A:

I know just what you mean about Jewish newspapers. I was thrilled when a paper in Israel picked up Savage Love, but, vei is mir! I'd never in all my life seen such angry mail! One would think being the world's only procircumcision sex-advice columnist would score me some points, but apparently not. Finally, after my research assistant and personal trainer, Kevin, lost three fingers to yet another mail bomb, I had to pull my column from the Jerusalem Post. Jesus H. Christ on a Cro--er, I mean, King David on his Jonathan! What was I supposed to do? Open my own mail? I'm sorry, but there are some risks I'm not willing to take. (I begged and pleaded with Kevin to wear the protective suit when he opened the mail, but he wouldn't listen to me. Now he has the rest of his seven-fingered life to think about it.)

Hey, Faggot:

I read your column in the Village Voice. You are a very honest and intelligent man. I am a heterosexual female, happily married with lots of single friends, both male and female, gay and straight, who could use reading this column every morning! There are plenty of men and women out there, but people these days don't have realistic ideas. You set them in the right direction. Keep up the great work!


Hey, T:

Letters like yours make it all worthwhile! And while you and your friends can't read me every day, as Savage Love runs exclusively in weekly publications, let's face facts: Ann Landers and that good-for-nothin' copycat sister of hers aren't going to live forever. A couple of brain aneurysms, a stroke or two, and there's going to be a gaping hole in a lot of daily newspapers right where Dear Abby used to be.

So don't despair, Toni, I'll be running in the dailies soon enough. Not that I plan on abandoning weekly papers when Hearst and Knight-Ridder come crying for me. I will keep writing butt-sex/bondage/bestiality columns for weekly papers even after I've moved seamlessly into Ann and Abby's old markets with a slightly tamer version of Savage Love--all rotten kids, cheatin' husbands, nosy neighbors.

Hey, Faggot:

A brief note to say I really love your column. I've been transferred to Nashville, and there is nothing like your column out here.

Regards, Robert Bills

PS: What do you look like?

Hey, RB:

I am five six, have blond hair and green eyes. I look like predetox Corey Haim. You can see pics of me on my Web site:

Hey, Faggot:

You good-for-nothing piece of shit. Your advice sucks, you're not funny, and you're probably ugly too. Your mean-spiritedness is unforgivable.

--Denver Hates You

Hey, DHY:

Wait a minute, this isn't a compliment! How did this letter sneak in? Kevin!

Hey, Faggot:

Your column is terrific. It is honest, gives realistic advice, and is wonderfully raw. Thank you for making my Thursday morning coffee enjoyable.

Sincerely, Jessica Glass

Hey, JG:

OK! That's more like it. You're welcome, Jessica.

Hey, Faggot:

I have enjoyed reading your weekly column for a long time, and I wanted to write and tell you so. Your writing is funny, informative, thought provoking, and fresh. You manage to be kind to the scared and ignorant while puncturing the balloons of the pompous.

Thank you for writing your column and for helping all of us to remember that, in addition to being wonderful, delightful, and fun, sex can also be very funny.

Very truly yours, Ellen G. Breslauer

Hey, EGB:

Stop! I can't take it anymore! You're all just too, too nice! I feel so loved!

Hey, Faggot:

I find your column insightful, educational, decisive, proactive, challenging, and (when addressing the female genitalia inquiries) smooshy. Your columns have helped me educate, break stereotypes, and dramatically increase safe-sex fun--sometimes all within the course of one evening!

I don't agree with you all the time, but you make me think, and you've helped me prioritize the behavioral changes I want to make in myself. You are a role model for myself and other gay men and women (young and not young). I look forward to your next column.

Best regards, Jim Wolfe

Hey, JW:

A role model? Me? Aw, shucks no. I'm just a hard-workin', blue-collar sex-advice columnist. You don't need to thank me, ma'am, I'm just doin' my job.

Well, Merry Christmas to me. Hope you enjoyed this week's column o' compliments. Next issue it's back to the screaming and yelling.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.

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