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Savage Love



Hey, Faggot:

A fun bar, a congenial crowd, the babe was gorgeous. One thing led to another and, following our second date, we went to bed together at her place. For me, the sex was great--torrid vanilla, writhing missionary. Unfortunately, however, the gorgeous babe did not achieve orgasm, and toward the end she asked me, please, to perform oral sex.

Big problem. Oral sex does not appeal to me, never has. Quite to the contrary. Desperate, stalling for time, I asked her, please, to douche first. For some reason she took great offense. The atmosphere became chilly. She ordered me to leave "right now, this very instant." Which, pulling on my clothes, I did. I have tried to call her several times since. Each time, upon hearing my voice, she hangs up--kabang.

Since we got along so well before the expulsion, I wonder who was at fault. As far as I am concerned, she had nothing at which to take offense. In my opinion, by kicking me out without a chance for discourse, she greatly overreacted. Do you agree? Or would you say that, by seeming to be self-centered and inconsiderate, I was to blame?

--The Expellee

Hey, TE:

Not wanting to eat a pussy you've just fucked--that I can understand. Well, actually, not wanting to eat pussy, period, I can understand--but only if you're not into women. But you're straight, you like pussy--and she had the proof: you'd just fucked her pussy, right? Which might have led her to believe you were a pussy-lovin' man. Well, in the last 20 years or so, women have come to expect oral sex from pussy-lovin' men as a matter of course, much as men have come to expect oral sex from cock-lovin' women. So her request--that you finish her off orally--was not all that outrageous, to her mind. Nor is it to mine.

Now, you could have successfully demurred that night by claiming you were a bit squeamish about tasting your own come or, if you'd used a condom, the lube. She might have settled for a little finger action had you said something else. But while a different excuse might have saved the evening, it would only have put off the reckoning: you don't like to eat pussy, come or no come, and instead of telling her the truth, you lied. And the particular lie you told was not--with the infinite number of options available to you--a very good one. Telling her to go douche was as good as telling her she had a skanky pussy, implying that the problem was hers (skank) and not yours (hang-up). Stupid move.

And what if she had douched? Would you have spent your stalled-for ten minutes while she was in the john gearing up, or would you have thought up some other lame excuse to get out of doing your duty? Maybe you were planning on creating a diversion--setting fire to the kitchen? Phoning in a bomb threat? Wiring your jaw shut?

I wish I could see a videotape of you telling her to douche. Specifically, I'd like to see the look on your face: Was disgust evident? Did you look like a man who'd just had a plate of dog-crap ravioli set down in front of him? I suspect you did, and one look at your sour puss told her everything she needed to know about you and her oral-sex future with you--there wasn't going to be one. If oral sex is important to her and she was insulted by your douche-that-skanky-pussy attitude, why shouldn't she kick your ass out of her apartment? Why should she waste another second on your disrespectful ass? You weren't "seeming to be self-centered and inconsiderate," Expellee, you were being self-centered and inconsiderate. So who's to blame? You are.

Hey, Faggot:

I recently had a sexual encounter that made a medical mystery of me. You see, I was a virgin when I started messing around with this girl. After we agreed that we wanted to have sex, I put a condom on and inserted my member into her vagina. However, before doing any more, I pulled out because it just wasn't "right." So, do you think I'm still a virgin? After all, I didn't have sex. But I did insert. My friends are about fifty-fifty on this. Since you're the sexpert, I thought I might run it past you. --Half a Virgin

Hey, HV:

You had sex, young gun--what you didn't have was an orgasm. So, in this sexpert's opinion, you are no longer a virgin; you're a man now. After all, if someone has to have an orgasm to lose their virginity, there are women in Utah with ten or more children who are still "vahrginns."

Hey, Faggot:

Mildred Pierce the best movie of all time? What are you, gay?! --TB

Hey, TB:

Um, no--uh, I was just bullshitting you. Mildred Pierce totally sucks! The best movie ever made is All About Eve, with Showgirls a close second.

Hey, Faggot:

My boyfriend sometimes pulls out when he is about to have an orgasm and shoots his come on my breasts. However, on a few occasions his semen has come in contact with one of my eyes, causing it to become extremely irritated. My eye swells, waters, and stings. This goes on for a couple of hours before my eye feels normal again.

I was wondering--what is in semen that gives my eye this awful reaction?

--Sad Eyes

Hey, SE:

Semen is millions of wee sperm cells mixed in with a couple of spoonfuls of seminal fluid, which is mostly water, but with very high concentrations of salt and citric acid--a lot of salt and citric acid--which is why, when your boyfriend nails you in the eye, it burns. If the boyfriend is doing out-of-orifice shot-putting anywhere near the face, drape an arm over your eyes--looks glam, protects your peepers.

Hey, Faggot:

I feel the advice you gave DW about his fantasy of having a woman flatulate in his face and mess herself was rude, insensitive, and condescending. I am not remotely interested in that sort of thing, although I do know there are a lot of people who are. First of all, advising him to volunteer at a nursing home?! That's just plain fucked-up. When I am 90-plus years old, I don't want someone getting off on my shit!

Basically, there are a lot of people with odd fetishes. Obviously, he was reaching out to you, and aside from the fact that we may think it's weird, he needed someone to anonymously answer his questions. You just made him feel like an ass (no pun intended). You should have told him that if he needs to, there are lots of dominatrices who will do that. And what about the Internet? --ME

Hey, ME:

Oh, the Internet--of course! I should've thought of that: if you're into shit, there really is no better place to find it than the World Wide Web. DW also might want to try that other technological marvel--and the spiritual forerunner of the Internet--the CB radio. Ten-four, good buddy, I'm looking for a hot trucker to drop his cargo right on my face, ten-four.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.

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