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Savage Love



Hey, Faggot:

I'm a bi married white male in his late 30s who's lately become more than a little curious. I work in downtown Minneapolis and often wonder about how I could find some alternative lunchtime activities. Problem is, since I'm not very experienced, I'm not sure where to go.

I can't help but think that some of the other suits I see on the street or even in the skyway are thinking the same thing I am. Any ideas on where I might go? Discretion is a must, so please, no adult bookstores! Any help would be appreciated.

--Looking to Unload

Hey, LTU:

In 1995 Keith Griffith, aka the Cruisemaster, launched a unique Web site,, that's a comprehensive guide to those magical places all over the world where men cruise other men for anonymous sex. Keith started the site as a hobby, but now 600,000 visitors check out every month, and keeping the site up has become Keith's full-time job. "It's the most heavily trafficked gay Web site in the world," Keith told me. "There are a lot of men who cruise for sex, but there aren't many places they can feel a sense of community, or where they can share their feelings and experiences with other men who cruise."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, don't it? features up-to-the-minute listings, cop alerts, opinionated reviews by cruisers in the field, maps--heck, there's even a link to the Weather Channel's Web site so you can make sure you won't get rained on wherever you want to go cruising. I surfed onto and three clicks later had a printout in my hands of more than 30 places in Minneapolis--some even accessible by skyway!--where men go to have life-affirming, police-annoying, and sometimes ill-advised anonymous sexual encounters.

Here's some of what I learned about Minneapolis at The second-floor bathrooms near the men's underwear department at Dayton's in the Nicollet Mall are worth a stop. Reports one cruiser: "Some Dayton employees 'work' at this particular store because of these extra benefits." My goodness. The downtown Hyatt Regency's second-floor toilets are "hopping until 7 PM." If you're feeling old school, the good ol' YMCA on South 9th Street has a "very cruisy health club." And if you love to shop as much as you love to cruise, there's even action to be had at the Mall of America (Bloomingdales' third-floor bathrooms).

But before you run out to Dayton's on your lunch break (or apply for a job there), listen to what Keith had to say about cruising for public sex in Minneapolis: "There's a big crackdown going on there right now. If this man is worried about discretion, he should go to an adult bookstore instead of a bathroom or park. Some bookstores have parking lots in the rear and rear doors. While men have been busted in bookstores, that's not happening right now in Minneapolis. Men having sex in parks or public toilets are being arrested, however." What happens to men who get busted for doing it in public? "If they're willing to fight, most can get off. But in this man's case, he could lose his wife and maybe custody of his children if he has any. In some states, an arrest for public consensual sex could result in your name being placed on a list of sex offenders and you may have to register with the police for the rest of your life."

Yikes! Keith's advice for cruisers in Minneapolis? "Get out of Minneapolis." A better place to cruise? "The best place right now is probably Chicago. The scene is really good for all types of sex, and the police there have better things to do than bother people who aren't bothering anyone."

But don't people who cruise toilets and parks for sex bother people who, say, just wanna take a crap or play some Frisbee? "Sometimes it happens, but it shouldn't. When cruising places are busted, it's typically because men who are ignorant of the etiquette--yes, there are rules of etiquette even if you're having sex in a public toilet--do something stupid. Then there are complaints, and then there are cops."

What's the etiquette? "The most important thing is common courtesy. You have to respect the fact that different people use different spaces for different reasons. You have to try not to infringe on their right to enjoy a shared space, a space that might be sexual at some times for some people and not at all sexual for other people at other times." In other words, only waggle your dick at a guy you're damn sure wants see your dick a-wagglin'. "Another good rule is to go with your instincts. No dick is worth getting arrested for. If you think that beautiful man in the corner might be an undercover cop or a basher, trust your gut instinct and get out of there."

Why does Keith think the police give cruisers such a hard time? "I'm not sure. I do know that no one is getting hurt when two guys have sex in a park, so why should the people of Minneapolis pay one cent to regulate that behavior? Public sex is a normal part of life. There are tens of thousands of places listed on my Web site, places all over the world. Everywhere you go on the planet, you'll find men having public sex. It's healthy and it's normal."

No one gets hurt? It's healthy? What about STDs? "The majority of HIV transmissions, to take one example, happen in bedrooms, and it's usually people who know each other. If all you need to point to in order to disallow certain kinds of sexual expression is the transmission of a disease, well, what kind of sex would be allowed then? People in monogamous relationships have given each other diseases. Should the police bust men in monogamous relationships?"

Finally--and rather surprisingly--Keith wanted to take issue with you, LTU, on the little matter of the little woman: "This man has obligations to his wife. While it is true that a lot of the men having sex in these places are married and their wives don't know what they're up to, I happen to think people should honor their commitments. If he needs to renegotiate his agreement with his wife, he should do that before he goes out cruising. Lying isn't good, and it isn't something you should do to someone you love. This isn't something people would expect to hear from my mouth, I guess, but it's how I feel."

Hey, Faggot:

I wanted to write a response to Curious, who wanted to know whether men have to ejaculate when they orgasm: no, they don't! My husband, Jeff, is proof of that! There are many techniques he uses to keep from ejaculating. In four years he's come maybe five times! Jeff has at least five orgasms and sometimes more--he just doesn't ejaculate. For more info Curious should read The Multi-Orgasmic Man by Mantak Chia and Doug Arava. --NBH

Hey, NBH:

I don't know about Jeff, but I like ejaculating. Guys who don't are welcome to pick up Mantak and Doug's book, but I predict there won't exactly be a long line outside Barnes & Noble tomorrow morning.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.

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