You ran a letter once from a woman who wanted to do her reluctant boyfriend with a dildo. I'm a man and I've always enjoyed this activity, but it strikes most women I date as rather odd. Aside from placing a personal ad, do you have any suggestions for meeting a compatible woman?
--Trying to Get My Role Reversed
It's understandable girlfriends find your desire for anal penetration odd. Straight boys who wanna take it up the butt are odd, in the sense that they're unusual, so you are odd. Finding herself in bed with a man who wants to be fucked is a unique experience for most straight women--and not all women are thrilled by it. If you're unwilling to go the personals route, I suggest you brace yourself for a lifetime of shocked reactions, tight-lipped refusals, and the occasional makes-it-all-worthwhile enthusiastic assent. But if you can learn to love the personals, they're a good way to meet like-minded pervs.
Don't take my word for it. Carol Queen, San Francisco-based sex guru and all-around swell gal, recently released a video on just this subject. Bend Over Boyfriend stars Carol and her oft-bent boyfriend, Robert, and together they guide breeder couples through the joys and triumphs of girl-on-boy butt fucking. To avoid the awkwardness of revealing perverse desires to a new partner, Carol suggests you advertise. "Personal ads will help him weed out the 'ewwwww!' types right away."
If you just can't do personal ads, "bi gals may be more open to such play than straight-and-narrow women--as might kinky women of any orientation, so he might keep an eye open for a BDSM support group," says Carol. "He'll obviously encounter women who will be into all kinds of play at an BDSM group, so he'll have to be pretty up-front about what he does (and doesn't) desire; fortunately, that environment supports and even demands that kind of disclosure.
"If he has a steady source of girlfriends who just aren't sure about this activity and need some info, he can show them Bend Over Boyfriend." Carol also suggests a field trip to the dildo/harness aisles at Good Vibrations in San Francisco, Toys in Babeland in Seattle or New York, Come As You Are in Toronto, or the sex-positive, women-owned sex shoppe in your area. "If they visit on a busy Saturday afternoon, chances are good they won't be the only boy-girl couple in that part of the store.
If the radical right knew how much of this is going on in America, their heads would blow up."
Bend Over Boyfriend is available from Good Vibrations for $34.95 plus shipping and handling. Call 800-BUY-VIBE to order yourself a copy. Do I even need to mention that Bend Over Boyfriend makes a thoughtful holiday gift?
I am a 55-year-old man. I was married for 6 years 20 years ago. Since then, I've been a virgin. When I was married I had sex every night. For some reason, looking for love and sex is like looking for a needle in a haystack. I am the king of masturbation and I hate it. I want to love and be loved. What can I do? --RC
What can I advise you to do that you probably haven't already tried? In the 20 years you've been looking for love and sex with no success, I can only assume you've done all the obvious things: perused the personal ads, cruised singles bars, volunteered for good causes, assessed your personal hygiene, asked friends to hook you up, attempted to pay for it.
If you've tried all that and none of it has worked, I can only conclude that something is very seriously wrong, something that can't be solved or salved in this format. Or ever, really.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but there are men and women who for whatever reason--bad attitudes, wayward DNA, cruel circumstance--are destined to be alone. Maybe you're one of them. After 20 years of looking, perhaps the best advice I can give is the advice we advice professionals are never supposed to give: stop looking. Accept that it ain't gonna happen for you, that she isn't out there, and that no matter how long and hard you look, you ain't gonna find her. Reconcile yourself to being alone.
It's possible to be happy and single, but you'll have to disabuse yourself of a couple of myths in order to do so. These myths? "There's someone out there for everyone." "If you keep looking, someday you'll find him/her." How many people have to die alone and miserable before we stop jamming that someone-for-everyone crap down people's throats? The cold hard fact is that there isn't someone for everyone. Endlessly repeating that there is causes people for whom there isn't to waste their whole lives looking for someone who isn't out there.
To my mind, the stock advice given in response to questions like yours--keep looking, don't give up, she's out there somewhere--is far crueler than anything I'm telling you. False hopes dashed again and again can drive a person mad; cold hard facts, accepted and adjusted to, can relieve a person of much misery. So my advice for you is this: after 20 years, it's time to pack it in.
I was making out with my boyfriend--he's a violent kisser--and he was pulling on my tongue. That little membrane that connects the tongue to the bottom of the mouth snapped! It started to bleed all over the place, and it's pretty painful. My tongue is currently detached! I live with my parents, and they're in charge of all my medical business, as I'm a minor, and it would be somewhat humiliating for me if I presented them with my little problem. So I guess my question is, should I see a doctor, and have you ever heard of this before? --Speechless
No, I haven't heard of this before and, yes, you should see a doctor. When you're bleeding all over the place, you're in pain, and your tongue is detached, seeing a doctor is probably a better idea than sending a letter to a sex-advice columnist and waiting weeks or months for a response. But since you wrote, and since we were going out to dinner anyway, I shared your letter with Dr. Barak Gaster, Savage Love's chief medical correspondent.
"The 'membrane' that Speechless is referring to is actually a thin layer of tissue called the frenulum that is so flimsy the tongue can do just fine without it. She's probably torn this tissue, and the resulting swelling may make it difficult for her to talk. But a tongue can't really 'detach,' since it's a bundle of muscles that extends far down the back of the throat, attaching to small bones near the Adam's apple. The only reason to see a doctor after an injury like this is if the bleeding, swelling, and pain continue to worsen, or if they don't start to get better within a day or two."
Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.