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I'm a straight female, overweight, but it's in all the right places! I haven't had sex for months. Recently I started seeing someone I met on-line. He's a very nice guy, pretty good-looking, and has an excellent personality. But he happens to be very overweight. I'm not attracted to heavy men and I have never slept with an overweight man. Never! But I really like this guy, so all signs were pointing in that direction.

Then, before we slept together, he told me there was something he wanted me to know. He has large breasts. I tried to act as if his "breasts" wouldn't faze me, but in reality I was floored. Now every time we make plans to get together, I cancel. I've never slept with an overweight man before, let alone one with breasts. Would he expect me to suck his breasts? If he wanted me to pinch them or squeeze them, I'm not sure I would be able to! I really like him, but I can't stop thinking about this. I wish that he never told me! Please advise. --Scared of Breasts

Since few straight guys are into having their tits played with, I'm thinkin' your fat-assed man friend brought up his boobs to brace you, not entice you. If his tits are extraordinarily large, he's probably had a few bad experiences with women who've flipped the first time they saw him shirtless. To avoid further humiliation, he may have a policy of mentioning his boobs before getting naked with someone new, much like people who are HIV positive or missing a nut/tit often inform potential sex partners in advance.

So, SOB, if all you're worried about is having to play with his titties, don't sweat it. I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts he won't want you to suck, pinch, or squeeze his titties. If he's like most straight guys, big tits or small, all he's going to want you to worry about is his dick. Leave his titties be, and if you can't stand the sight of them, turn off the lights. If any tits get sucked, pinched, squeezed, squished, squashed, tugged, or twisted, they'll most likely be yours.

My girlfriend and I are both big girls. She is five-nine and 220, and I am five feet and 190. We met and fell in love six months ago. Part of what we love about each other is that we're both sex freaks. We are both artists, and I am a poet as well. I work a shit job that I want to quit, and we both hate work in general. We would like to start offering "private shows." My girlfriend is a "top" who has fucked men in the ass before. We've thought of putting on a show with her as a dom, fucking a guy we'd hire, and I would be the all-around sub girl. How much would be acceptable to charge for this? Is this safer than other sex work? But most importantly, do you know of any big girls doing sex work? Do we have a niche? --Workin' Fat Girls

Go to a hip sex shop and pick up a copy of Bitches With Whips or Domination Directory International. In both magazines you'll find ads for professional doms all over the country, some independent, some affiliated with established houses of domination. Many of the doms pictured are traditionally pretty, with big hair and little bodies, but if you look closely you'll also see a number of ads for old doms, large doms, and, well, some butt-ugly doms. Since these women advertise--and their ads run in every issue--it's safe to assume men employ them occasionally. So you two have a niche.

Actually, you're a triple threat. There are men out there turned on by lesbians, there are men turned on by S-M, and there are men turned on by big, fat asses: you may draw clients from all three groups. Will you be able to quit your day jobs? That depends. The larger the city you live and work in, the more guys there are going to be into what you and the girlfriend have to offer. What can you charge? Most doms charge whatever they can get away with, usually upwards of $150 an hour. One thing, though: most men who call won't wanna watch a show--they're going to wanna be the show. Since professional domination doesn't usually involve any actual sex, just props and costumes, many sex workers regard giving spankings for a living as safer than giving blow jobs.

Here are two more perspectives on the fat-ass issue to round out this week's column:

There was a time when I, like Marilyn Wann (author of FAT!SO?), thought that you were too hard on fat people. That was back in 1997, when I weighed 290 pounds and had no problems with high cholesterol or high blood pressure or high blood sugar. Like Marilyn, I had a nice big ass. I had been liberated and thought fat people were just as healthy and beautiful as thin people. I was 24 years old and life was good.

Then I went to my doc for my regular checkup. The first shocker was high blood pressure, but I figured I'd walk a little more and hide the salt shaker. Then the lab results came back: I had type 2 diabetes, seriously high cholesterol, hypertension, and polycystic ovary syndrome. Polycystic ovaries cause infertility, but that's the least of my worries. I am at risk for kidney failure, nerve damage, amputations, heart disease, stroke, and blindness--all at 25!

Why did this happen? Because I have a big fucking ass. There's a genetic component, but the genetic factor is not as big as my ass. Any fat person without health problems who thinks their body isn't working twice as hard to keep them healthy is deluding themselves. Yes, I learned to love my fat ass, but it's a shame I had to get sick before I understood this: if I really loved my ass, I would've taken care of myself to make sure it was around for as long as possible. --Former Fat-ass

I would like to comment on the "fat ass" issue. I was heavy at five-three and 165 pounds. My husband refused to have sex with me anymore. I was self-conscious all the time and felt I was worthless. It only confused me when men would hit on me at work, but one night at a conference, I caved. It was so wonderful to be told I had nice hair and a nice smile and that someone was attracted to me. After that night, I couldn't stand the way my husband treated me, and I left him.

After two years of dating narcissistic skinny guys who complained about my weight, I decided to look for a fat, bald, older guy who was lonely and didn't consider himself God's gift to women. The next day I met him. I married this man, and he loves me, and he tells me I'm beautiful. I am a new person and I feel great. My advice for everyone, fat and thin: find someone who knows he's not perfect and is happy that you accept his faults. He won't expect you to be perfect either. --MMM

Confidential to Wendy: I love deciding bets. Tony Danza was sexier--was, past tense. His baseball Ts, his hair, his tits. He was much sexier than the other cute guy on Taxi, Jeff Conaway, so your friend is gonna have to fork over the dough.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611 or to letters@savagelove.net.

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