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To: Ministerial Acolytes
From: Mayor Daley
It has come to my attention that you are losing your minds in regards to Senator Barack Obama's presidential campaign.
First, Reverend Wright gives a couple of speeches, imitating how white people clap, and talking about the differences between white and black brains.
And now Father Pfleger is doing his Rich Little routine, imitating Hillary Clinton crying.
My advisers tell me you're subconsciously trying to destroy Obama's campaign because you're envious of the national attention he's been getting.
I understand the impulse. I've undercut the campaigns of many underlings I thought were getting too big for their britches (see Paul Vallas).
But you're missing the point. Just because I do something, doesn't mean you get to do it.
So one more time, here's how things work around here. I give you the city contracts and zoning changes you need to run your church fiefdoms. And in return you look the other way while I sweep police torture under the carpet, take money from the public schools and give it to the well-connected, keep public school students running in the hallways, and sell the west and south sides to the highest or at least best-connected bidders. Also, you do what I tell you (by they way, Father Pfleger, good job on the Children's Museum).
The problem is that you are scaring white people and, thus, hurting Senator Obama's chances to get elected president. So I'm ordering you: no more wacky speeches and, more important, stop imitating white people! You know how upset we get when black people mock us.
It's very important for me to have Senator Obama elected president. That gets him out of town so he can't be tempted to run against me for mayor. (By the way, I will, of course, need your continued help in marginalizing Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr.)
So stop the goofiness until the presidential election's over or I decide it's really in my best interests to see Obama lose. Remember, I'm the only one who gets to backstab Chicago's favorite son.