Sign up for our newsletters Subscribe
I don’t mean to get all interventionist on you here, but what the hell is going on with you and your Zeitgeist these days? You've been acting pretty boorish lately — is something wrong? Is it Olympics-related? Whatever the case, maybe it’s time to seek professional help.
Oh, and this is not about your potholes and trash pick-up problems, either. I'm talking about your recent behavior and etiquette issues. Specifically, the following incidents:
— The Chrissy the Sissy Ponger poster. When people who are not time travelers from the 1950s complained that this very original joke-picture failed to be funny, its creators issued an “apology” telling everyone to lighten up.
— Two drunk drivers got only ten days in the pokey for hitting bicyclists for thrills. This would be expected in one of those places where the townspeople call cyclists "homo hippies" and somesuch (Arizona), but here?
— Speaking of homos, this traffic court lawyer called people racial, sexist, and homophobic names for SEVEN YEARS before facing sanctions.
— A play at the Gorilla Tango Theatre called Home MD gets this review from Reader A&E editor Tony Adler: “What's funnier than a bunch of zombies? A sexy female necrophiliac doctor who gets all hot and loses most of her clothes at the thought of fucking them, of course. And what tops Stupid Bitch Disease for hilarity? That's just so obvious: Stupid Cunt Disease.” Tony concludes by asking why the “women in the cast put up with this shit?” It is a good question!
— After the Blackhawks victory, the Twitternet was flooded with reports of Girlz Gone Wild—gals lifting their tops all because “the boys brought it home.” You didn’t even get free beads, ladies!
— A ChicagoNow blogger and sports talk radio dude named “Rock Mamola" called out ESPN reporter Erin Andrews for being a “fraud” and “opportunist” because she didn’t start wearing a burqa and/or kill herself after being videotaped naked by a weirdo. “Rock” got the smackdown from commenters, but why are people writing like this in 21st-century post-misogynist America?
— Mayor Daley’s Buttgate Spectacular.
Of course, the above items are isolated incidents. But as anyone who has ever read the New York Times knows, just a few incidents (usually three) can add up to a bona fide trend. It's scientific.
Listen up Chicago, here's what you gotta do: Stop putting the "ass" in "world-class." Take the "ass" out, immediately, or else TRUCK NUTZ FUTURE. Then you have to put the "ass" back in, plus the letters "cl" before "ass," to make "class" again. See, it's like doing the hokey-pokey, but with words — when you "turn yourself around" everything is suddenly better. Finally, put "world-" before "class."
Or I don't know, who cares about the rest of the world, let's just be CLASS.
Until you address these problems, there will be no pie for you after dinner.
Your carpetbagger friend,