CALM DOWN!!!!!!!!!! With Drank | Bleader

CALM DOWN!!!!!!!!!! With Drank



These rose hips are waiting to be turned into Drank.
  • Roberto Verzo @
  • These rose hips are waiting to be turned into Drank.

Did you know that Chicago is "one of the nation's most stressed out cities"? Forbes magazine said so once, and Forbes is one of Sarah Palin's favorite magazines so it must be true. But as of yesterday, there's a new product in town to help us deal with how GODDAMNED DIFFICULT EVERYTHING IS ALL THE TIME: It's called Drank, and according to this press release in my trembling, chewed-up hand, our very own Playboy Magazine has deemed it "a can of drag ass." HOORAY we are saved.

Drank is a "relaxation beverage," a trendy new genre of elixirs (at least 100 of them!) marketed as the antithesis of energy drinks. Though it comes in purple cans, it is not related to "purple drank," the cough syrup drink that Lil' Wayne used to enjoy. A few months ago, the Wall Street Journal reported on these new elixirs, which have soothing names like "Dream Water" and "Vacation in a Bottle" and "Mary Jane's Relaxing Soda." Drank contains rose hips, valerian root, melatonin, and little bubbles; other drinks of its ilk include kava root, human hormones, and other things (sparkles, magick) supposed to make you calm.

Because you can't do it on your own, you are an American and therefore born without self-control, addicted to your ALL-CAPS LIFESTYLE. Especially us Chicagoans, with our highs and lows, our winning Blackhawks and our losing Cubs, our everybody shooting everybody else all the time. Don't be surprised that the Drank people want to turn this place "from 'Chi-Town' to 'Chill Town,'" with their purple peace potion. They are doing us a favor here.

So come on, everybody! Listen to the Drank slogan and just "slow your roll," which means, well, I don't know what, but it probably leads to relaxation/balance/good chi. So does perspective, but hey, you can't just buy that in the store, for a buck-ninety or whatever.