Breaking News: Mayor Rahm returns to the Democratic Party! | Bleader

Breaking News: Mayor Rahm returns to the Democratic Party!

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Election day’s coming, so, naturally, I get a mailing from the Democratic Party, telling me who to vote for. Not that I’m going to be heeding their endorsements, even though I’m a lifelong Democrat.

I know, it’s confusing—more like a cry for help.

So let me explain....

As you know, it’s written in my genetic code by my New Deal-era parents that I’m prohibited under any circumstances from ever, ever voting for a candidate of the Republican Party.

As long as Rick Santorum’s in it. And Newt Gingrich. And the new Mitt Romney—as opposed to the old Mitt Romney. Actually, I’m not so sure about him either.

Ron Paul, on the other hand, I have a soft spot for. Except for the gold standard thing. And the opposition to the Civil War. I tell you, people, the man’s got a weird thing about the Civil War. Other than that—what a guy!

Anyway, the mailing from the Democrats….

Headlined “a new day is dawning,” it goes on to endorse a long list of incumbents, as well as Mayor Daley’s nephew.

So much for the dawning new day.

On the inside is a color glossy picture of our favorite mayor—Rahm Emanuel. That caught me by surprise. I didn’t know Mayor Rahm had returned to the Democratic Party. Must have happened when I wasn’t paying attention.

On the brochure, Mayor Rahm says: “As Democrats, we have to support candidates who will fight for a strong middle class.”

That’s a strong middle class except for teachers. And librarians. And firefighters. And bus drivers. And police—well, until the G8/NATO summits leave town. The mayor willl be sort of nice to cops until then.

Mayor Rahm also says he’s fighting for “a bright future for our children.”

Unless they want to use public libraries. Or neighborhood mental health clinics. Or neighborhood schools. Then, not so bright future.

The mailing also includes an upbeat message from Joe Berrios, chairman of the Cook County party, reassuring us that he’s established “a rigorous set of standards to evaluate candidates.”

As in—can you roll over and beg on command?

Also, when you fetch the ball, do you bring it back?

By the way, if Berrios’s name’s familiar it’s because as Cook County Assessor he outraged north-side voters by putting friends and family on the payroll.

That’s called patronage and nepotism. North-side voters vehemently oppose patronage and nepotism when it’s black or Puerto Rican politicians doing it. As opposed to white politicians. Then, not so bad.

I did tell you the party endorsed Mayor Daley’s nephew—right? His name is Patrick Daley Thompson and he’s running for Metropolitan Water Reclamation even though, as a zoning lawyer, there’s nothing in his background vaguely related to water. Or reclamation.

I know north-side voters will react with outrage to his candidacy as though his name were Beavers or Stroger or Berrios.

When you think about it, the north-siders attitude toward nepotism is a little like their position on marijuana. Which goes like this: jail time for blacks and party time for whites!

Hope I’m clearing this stuff up for you, people.

If the past’s any guide, I’ll wind up voting against the candidates on this list on the grounds that I don’t vote for candidates endorsed by the local party bosses.

Unless, of course, they’re running against Republicans. In which case my standards instantly plummet and I’ll vote for any Democrat not on a life-support machine. And even the life-support machine’s negotiable.

Once again proving that I’m a self-hating Democrat in desperate need of psychological counseling.

Like everyone else in my party….

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