by Asher Klein
Well, good news! It's being settled today—with a soccer ball! Loaded with the kind of geopolitics we haven't seen since the Miracle on Ice, today's big Germany-Greece game in the European soccer championship pits an efficient powerhouse guaranteed to dominate against ragtag overachievers no one really thinks about, just like in the real Eurozone crisis. Germany isn't just favored to win this game, they're supposed to win the whole tournament. So this game is a mere formality, just a chance for the Germany to express its almost feudal dominance over this serf of a country. Unless . . . it isn't . . .
Just imagine the embarrassment German chancellor Angela Merkel would face if her whiz kids don't pull off the 4-0 spanking everyone expects.
Merkel: Okay, Mr. Samaras, head of the new Greek government, it's nice to meet you and congratulations on the big victory. It was a shock to all of us. But now it's time for business.
Samaras: [Stares at her with a doofy smirk on his face.]
Merkel: Mr. Samaras, really, this changes nothing. We have a currency to save, and there really isn't time for this sport.
Samaras: [Still smirking, Samaras starts kicking around an imaginary soccer ball.]
Merkel: This is highly unprofessional! Don't you know who I am? Don't you know we're days away from total financial collapse? We have
Samaras: It was a good game, no? Might you say . . . austere?
Merkel: [pause] Oh, it was. Mr. Exchequer*! Enough with the games! Begin the quantitative easing! Eight-week vacations and state-run high-speed rail for all!
*I realize that's just a British thing and they aren't even on the euro, but it just sounds so right.
Okay, so that'll never happen. But the game, airing at 1:45 central time at a sports bar near you, will still be fun. And hey, at least the Greeks (who we should all be rooting for because it's funny) have pulled off a win over the Germans before: