Sun-Times File Photo
You could say Hitler lost the Battle of the Bulge twice.
Late last month, a number of headlines carried news of Adolf Hitler’s genitalia: "Medical Records Reveal Nazi Leader Adolf Hitler Had Deformed Micropenis."
Hitler's schvantz, as stunted as his art career—it made perfect sense. What else could've created such an evil monster besides a disfigured groin nubbin?
But then I read more. What Hitler actually had was hypospadias, a common congenital condition that results in an irregular "urinary meatus"—which, like the Fuhrer himself, is more commonly known as a D-hole. Most D-holes are positioned at the center of the Tootsie Pop, but hypospadias causes the opening to develop askew on the underside of the penis. While hypospadias sometimes causes a deformed micropenis in adulthood, it often doesn't. What's more, it can easily be fixed with a simple surgery.
Why do I know so much about hypospadias? Because like the most hated man who ever lived, I too was born with the condition—AND MY DICK IS FINE
, YOU GUYS.
At this point, you might be saying, "Methinks the lady doth protest too much." To which I'd reply, "I'm not a lady, I'm a dude, as evidenced by my unremarkably average penis." My unremarkably average dick that is now irrevocably linked to Hitler
—BUT OTHERWISE FINE, YOU GUYS.
Up until this point, I'd always appreciated my freaky-deaky D-hole. For years I didn't even know I was born with one, due to the shiny, man-made urine sluice some doctors drilled into me at the age of two to fix the issue. As a teenager, I found out my best friend was born with the same condition, because apparently we lived in some sort of Erin Brockovich
-like town of pee-hole abnormalities. It took only one horrific WebMD search to reveal the magnitude (or lack thereof) of the bullet we'd dodged. Because even though we were insecure virgins, we could've been insecure virgins with deformed micropenises
. Not even regular micropenises. Deformed micropenises. That is literally
adding insult to injury, like a sprained cankle or a poor Republican. From that day on, I've never forgotten what could have been, and I'm grateful for what is
—which is totally regular
, you guys. SERIOUSLY.
But no longer is it my
freaky-deaky D-hole. It's Hitler's
freaky D-hole. I wasn't born with hypospadias. I was born with "Hitler Dick." Hitler went and bogarted this particular affliction, just like those jerks Lou Gehrig and Non Hodgkins. What's worse, when I was out with two friends last week, I found myself defending a mass murderer, because "Hey, he may have orchestrated the slaughter of millions of Jews and become the modern embodiment of evil, but we can't be 100 percent sure of what he was packing, so let's not body shame Hitler.
" I now have two fewer friends.
In conclusion, fuck you, Hitler. Thanks for giving me yet another reason to hate you. Also, for real, you guys—MY DICK IS FINE.