Now We've Established Something Precious

by

I have spent the last week or two defining and labeling. It's not something I like to do but it needs to be done so I figured I would mix the task in with my spring cleaning. First and foremost (and there was a lot of debate on this one) this is not a sandwich. In fact, what KFC has done is taken centuries of sandwich evolution, all the years of hard work and perfection, and completely destroyed it. We are now back to eating clumps of meat with our hands. The easiest way to tell that the Double Down is not a sandwich is duh! There is no bread! People did point out that there is breading. True, there is breading but that is not bread. That is like calling Yoo-Hoo chocolate milk. It's chocolate and it is a liquid, no doubt, but it's made with dairy whey, hence making it chocolate drink and not chocolate milk. And secondly, KFC uses the Cluck, a genetically engineered animal which has a hole that you put butter in. True story, I did a lot of research on the subject in college. I even drew a picture of how I think it looks. Basically it's a gray rock that just kind of shakes when it's hungry but over the years I have added more detail to the Cluck making resemble it's not so distant cousin, the rubber chicken. To settle the great sandwich debate, I did propose a death match between Colonial Sanders and the Earl of Sandwich. I'd put money on the Earl if I was you. Now onto people.

I went through my list of acquaintances (long lost friends, exes, old neighbors, etc.) to see which are worth keeping in my phone and which are not because people become worth the time or a waste of time, that's just the way it goes with relationships. I like to keep it pretty cut and dry, no gray area, either good or bad, in or out. The thing is when I come across a name in my contact list I remember exactly how I know the person or how I wound up with their number in the first place. Now I have to define the relationship which can get tricky. Did we date or just hangout? Were we just friends or a little more? But see then I have to think about what actually constitutes a date anyway. A hangout can be a date and a date can be a hangout, or a hangout can be just hanging out. After a couple days of circular logic, applying geometry to relationships (a rectangle is a square but a square is not a rectangle. A square is also a rhombus and by definition is also a triangle given the 90 degree angles. And I may in fact be a square myself for bringing math into this). So, I applied formulas, scratched my head, thought back to instances of hangouts past, thought back to instances of make outs past which led to thoughts of make outs present, which led to me checking the clock to see when the make outs of the future will become the present (as soon as she is done working). Yeah, see, I was kind of getting lost while thinking about this one so I had to call upon some associates to get some clear lines drawn on what is what when it comes defining a hangout and a date.

I present to you my findings:

Associate #1, Female. Location: Bar of Broken Hearts-
Heartbroker: Alright, so then you and the guy were on a date?
Associate #1: Well, I guess. No, we were just hanging out. Like we hung out all weekend.
HB: So then not a date? Boyfriend now or just boy who is a friend?
Assoc. #1: I think so.. I stayed at his place all weekend. I haven't heard from him since Sunday so who knows.
HB: Alright so since you haven't heard from him in like 4 days you are ruling out any kind of boyfriend thing and so then the weekend was just hanging out...
Assoc. #1: Yeah...yeah I think so....maybe. I don't know. I have not been on a date in a long time...can't really remember the last time I was on a date. Maybe I should text him. (begins texting)
HB: Is the jukebox still free? I'm going to play the entire Jawbreaker album
Assoc. #1: That's a really good idea.

Alright so from this conversation I learned that a hangout and date both consist of time spent. I also learned that what happens after the hangout could define it as a date, lack of communication leaves it in the hangout zone and may also leave the other person in the friend zone or some kind of relationship limbo.

Associate #2, Male. Location: My apartment-
Associate #2: ...Yeah so, what is third base again?
Heartbroker: It's the next stop after 2nd base.
Assoc. #2: Yeah, um.... yeah i think i was there. I hit a triple.
HB: Oh yeah? This is the one chick right? The chick you introduced me to like a month or so ago? I didn't know you two were still seeing each other...
Assoc. #2: Yeah, she was kinda busy with stuff and I was kinda busy with stuff but we were talking pretty regularly, texting and what not.
HB: Gotcha. So you two are dating now?
Assoc. #2: Yeah I think so. I mean I like her and we have plans to hangout Sunday.
HB: Alright but check it: is it a hangout or a date? We had such a cool time, sta-a-a-ying up all night... Remember that Riverdales song? Good album.
Assoc. #2: A date.
HB: How do you figure?
Assoc. #2: 3rd base, man. I mean i guess we were just kind of hanging out but I like her, didn't know how she felt but I think the make out and such makes it a date. Makes it official.
HB: Could just be a friends with benefits kind of thing though...
Assoc. #2: No way. Totally not like that.
HB: Yeah those situations never really seem to go anywhere
Assoc. #2: Yeah, can be a total waste of time.
HB: Can be a complete waste, just stagnate and finally something gives, usually not helping anyone out. Alright, so I think you have a girlfriend.
Assoc. #2: Yeah I do! Wanna go shoot pool?
HB: Yeah dude, I am pretty good at geometry.

And eventually I had to go right to the source. Location: Her place-

Me: Is this a date or a hangout?
Her: This is definitely a date.
Me: Deal.

From this I see that getting physical can turn the hangout into a date. It's tricky though as you kind of have to know the motivation behind the act. During the pool game and due to his excitement about her, I take it that they are or seem to be on the same page so spending time and the whole 3rd base thing means that it was a step forward in the direction of dating or a relationship, time will tell. The rest of the conversations on the subject went pretty much the same way. If people were just hanging out, there was some element of confusion due to lack of communication on one part and if they were dating then it was an agreement based on feelings and there was a commitment made to move forward. Much like the Double Down un-sandwich or Yoo-Hoo, hangouts have the elements that present the potential to be a date or something more, however you need a lot more than just breading or milk substitute to make it solid between two people. Maybe I should have gone with the my whole pizza/ relationship metaphor because of this story. Is it lunchtime yet?

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He Certainly Weathered the Storm

I walked over to her place in the blizzard around 7:45, planning to order delivery food and just hang out. When I got there she was shoveling her walk, and we walked inside to her place. She had two dogs, one 15 lbs and one about 30 lbs. The big one was excited and jumpy and wouldn't stop getting in my face when I was sitting down; the other one long haired and wet from the snow and wanted to sit on my lap. She spent about 30 minutes doing random stuff in her place like taking out the garbage, arranging things, and other errand/chore type stuff. She didn't talk to me much during this time. She also spent about 10 minutes on the phone with her friend while I was just sitting on the couch. I finally got her to order pizza from the place down the street. I was hungry. Up until this point she has probably looked me in the eye about 20 seconds so far. She also didn't smile or laugh the entire evening. We spent time organizing her notebook folder of take-out menus by category. For some reason she would not throw out duplicate menus. She also mentioned how she...

...didn't look her best, and that she didn't even think she took a shower that day. She then described how she tried to use some aerosol foam insulation on her back door, and the can exploded all over her forearms. She then showed me the rashes from it. Before we went to pick up the pizza, she said she had to use the washroom for just a minute. She was in there for 10 minutes. She apologized and said that she dropped her eyeliner or whatever and it exploded all over the sink and had to clean up that mess.

We finally went over to the pizza place and I paid for the pizza (of course, as she lost her wallet at Kohls the previous day). On the way back to her place, she pointed out the Jewel across the street and how she was banned from it. One time, she was accosted in there by a guy trying to steal her purse. In the ensuing fight, she knocked over an Entenmann's display and cracked the milk case display with her head. She suffered a concussion. As a result of the fight she was banned from the Jewel by their security officer. Trudging through the snow, I realized I must get out of the situation soon before losing my mind. She began asking me what kind of movie I wanted to watch that evening. I was non-committal. Upon arriving back at her place, I told her that I had a sore throat from earlier that day that I thought might go away but was in fact getting worse so I probably should leave. I got some pizza and took a cab home in the blizzard.