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All Woman

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To the editors:

In my many years of living in Berwyn while working my ass off as a garbage collector, volunteer research specimen, prostitute, and many things too painful to mention, I have been called many things. In fact, Maura Troester or Toaster or whatever her name is, the author of "Goes Better With Alcohol"--the review of Lookitwhatwedid in the July 23 Reader--calls me a few of my favorite old pet names they used to call me at Berwyn's Blue Ball Bowlarama. For example, "Disrespectful" and "Obnoxious" are on the back of my bowling jacket. "Intellectually lazy"? Well Moana if you consider reading John Jakes in a milk bath while smoking a More and having a couple shots of Jack intellectually lazy, then Stove Top stuffin' . . . I'm stayin'! But let me tell you this. In all my 45 years I have never been called anything so libelous, insulting, or so far from conceivable reality . . . as a CROSS-DRESSER!??!?

OK. Maybe my legs looked a little unshaven, but my land Aurora you certainly must know what it's like to be too hung over to break out your Flicker. Or was it my wig that confused you? Well, don't worry it's not chemo, but Dow Chemical's proposed new hair product. Gray Away Today won't be out on the shelves anytime soon.

Perhaps it was my craggy, rugged, weather-beaten face. Well, when you're raising a 16-year-old biological daughter (and I don't know how it happened either), can't get a date with either sex, and drink as much as I do, you tend to wear your life on your face. Listen Myra, if you're going to be a good journalist you really need to do a little research. Which is just what I was hoping I could help you with after the show on Tuesday. I wanted to go to that dark bar with cheap drinks you were talking about. After we'd gone a couple rounds--uh, I mean drank a couple rounds, you'd have learned firsthand that I am ALL woman. So if you'd like to go more in depth, meet me at Puszh Studios Monday or Tuesday after the show.

Mom Tifflemeyer
PS: Tiffini also is not a cross-dresser. She's just the size of a dresser.

Maura Troester replies:

OK, sweetie, you win. Your legs look lovely and your hair is fine.

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