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Amazing but True!

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You know, Du Sable . . . that drive by the shore of the lake.

City Council crusdaers claim that it is racism, not tradition or practicality, that led to the rejection of their proposal to change the name of Lake Shore Drive to Du Sable Drive.

My Life.

Dion Terres of Kenosha, aware that he has only a short time to live (as do the two McDonald's patrons he'll kill), makes a 35-minute videotape detailing his hopes, his fears, and his Brown's Chicken obsession. In an especially poignant moment he tells the camera that he has already put his tropical goldfish to sleep, presumably to spare them suffereing at the hands of the authorities.

You deserve a break today. Hell, you deserve a break everyday.

Mark Passel of Melrose Park is arrested for shooting at McDonald's windows. Police express hope that his apprehension will end a string of about 100 McDonald's window assassinations in the area, totaling up to half a million dollars in damages.

He was kind of quiet, you know, but he seemed like an ordinary guy.

Ralph Scheri, known around Naperville as a truck driver and owner of a tool-and-die shop, turns out to be the director of an Antiguan bank and runs afoul of the law for attempting to cash a stolen check worh about $1 million, issued by the Canadian government to a United Nations fund in Kenya. He's also implicated in the disappearnce of $8.5 million froma trust connected to the Pacific island of Nauru.

They tend ot be a little high-strung over there at the post office.

A box marked "hazardous" falls off a conveyor belt at an Aurora postal facility; the contents shatter and a clear liquid spills out. Twenty-three workers report to the emergency room complaining of nausea and throat irritation. A lab report later establishes that the liquid was water.

Youth subdues attacker with cow-milking maneuver!

A group of inner-city kids are threatened when the 4-H T-shirts they've received are mistaken for the colors of the Four Corner Hustlers.

Regionalist art is fine--but not that region!

John Swartz, a lowly janitor in Oglesby, Illinois, tries to convince his townspeople that a mural at the local post office is obscene. The mural, which depicts scantilty clad male Indians, was painted by teh WPA and has been on display since 1942.

Lawsuit of the year, or the case of the Electrified Organ.

The widow of Joe Boon Lee receives a settlement of $1.5 million plus interest from the CTA; her husband fatally injured himself by urinating on the electrified third rail.

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