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Art Talk

25 Questions and Answers Overheard at Art Expo


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So, how are you?

"How do you think I am standing next to a painting titled General Malaise?"

So, how are you?

"Worried. I've had every one of my heart attacks at art openings."

So, how are you?

"Bored, but at peace with myself."

Anyway, tell me what happened.

"Well, when I told him that I didn't want to pay $9,000 for his sculpture he got aesthetically indignant, but I just wasn't buying it."

Tell me what happened.

"When he moved out he took the Miro lithograph and gave it to his new girlfriend, and that's when I called my lawyer."

Tell me what happened.

"Well, that's it. I just left her there at the fucking gallery, all dressed up and no one to be with."

So, what are you doing now?

"I wont answer that. I refuse to be categorized."

So, what are you doing now?

"Trying to decide whether to buy this painting. I'd like to own it but I don't think I could look at it a lot."

What are you doing here?

"Why shouldn't I be here?"

What are you doing here?

"Trying to enrich myself while getting drunk."

What do you think of this painting?

"I think the painting he's trying to paint can't be painted."

What do you think of this painting? (Pointing to a gray abstract oil.)

"It reminds me of the three years we spent in Seattle."

What do you think of this painting? (Pointing to a picture of a naked woman.)

"Terrible technique. Great breasts."

This painting's very nice, don't you think?

"Did you know that the word 'nice' comes from the word 'ignorant'?"

Where are you from?

"I'm from Los Angeles, but don't hold that against me."

Where are you from?

"Well, I have a farm in Vermont, a house in London, and a condo in Florida, so that's a difficult question."

Where are you from?

"I'm originally from New York, but I fucked up and landed in Saint Louis."

I'm hot, I'm tired, and I don't want to look at any more of this garbage. Are you listening to me?

"No. What did you say?"

Do you know all you've been doing is complaining and coughing?

"Maybe I'd feel better if I slapped you."

Would it be possible to meet the artist?

"You might not want to, he's been dead several years."

Would it be possible to meet the artist?

"I'm the artist. Can I help you purchase something?"

Would it be possible to meet the artist?

"It would be possible, if he were here."

Why are you blushing?

"Because I thought that vacuum cleaner over in the corner was a piece of art."

What are you smiling about?

"I thought that guy in the wheelchair was a performance artist, but he was just crippled."

What are you smiling about?

"All these people walking around like they know about art. I can tell that they don't because I know about art."

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