by Asher Klein
If we do nothing, if we stand idly by and watch the media dust bowl that envelops this story, it could grow so large it blacks out the sun. This is not just another big media story—it's the big one, the Bad News Bears on a coke and 'roid rage. Tebow cannot be allowed to suit up for the bad-boy New York Jets because we will never hear the end of it ever. E v e r . There's only one thing to do: STOP FOOTBALL.
Look, I've thought this through, and what we have on our hands right now is the last act of Grease. Sandy (Tebow) got dumped by John Travolta the good guy (the Broncos) for the hot older girl who salsas real sexy (Peyton Manning) and now she's done put on some leather pants, blown out her hair, and uses the word "stud" so she can get picked up by John Travolta the T-Bird (the Jets). Now they're going to get in Grease Lightning (the . . . season?) and win something at the school fair (the . . . Super Bowl??) while everyone (the media and everyone who watches sports and also everyone) sings some nonsense song and waves their arms and legs around about how great everything is. We can't let that happen. Like musicals generally, it just doesn't make sense. STOP FOOTBALL.
Tebow is a divisive guy, and that's why everyone talks about him. It's not even his fault or anything, just that he represents good or evil, and every time he moves it's like a referendum on God's will on Earth. He was already mentioned over 1,400 times on SportsCenter last year, according to stats compiled by some poor New York Times intern, and the end of a compilation of common SportsCenter clichés the paper put together ends like the feverish rantings of Joe Sportsfan circa October-December 2011:
This might be the last stand for the non-Tebow believers. Reading from the book of Tebow, Chapter 7, Verse 2: thou faith shall be increased abundantly if you believe in Timmy. Tim Tebow has those intangibles, that positive spirit.
Tebow, a miracle maker. Tebow of the Tebows. Tim Tebow's story eclipses sports. It's Tebow time. Tebow, Tebow, Tebow.
Imagine what we'd hear if even more people hated him. Imagine if New Yorkers were forced to like him. STOP FOOTBALL.
Remember the Jets last season, when they were an 8-8 team and didn't ever win a game convincingly, and all the talk around them because their new identity was built around TV cameras since they starred on HBO's Hard Knocks? It was easy, because most media is based in New York, spiritually if not physically, and the Jets couldn't keep their egos in their pants. So next season, if we let football continue, legitimate football talk in Chicago, for example, about how Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall are jelling will be superseded by the latest drama developing in a New Jersey locker room. "How can two quarterbacks get along on one team?" they'll ponder in Jacksonville. "How can God root for the Jets?" they'll point out, rightly, in Arizona. "What happened to the old New York Jets," they'll cry in Seattle. STOP FOOTBALL.
The logic is simple: if STOP FOOTBALL is a success and football stops, no more would ESPN have to report on which Kardashian sister is interested this week in replacing Tim Tebow's abstinence ring with a wedding ring for like three weeks, and what foot-fetishist Rex Ryan has to say about it. If FOOTBALL STOPS, no longer would casual sports fans have to grapple with the weighty matter of whether and how many times prima donna QB Mark Sanchez texts prima donna QB Tebow in a week, and what prima donna WR Santonio Holmes has to say about it. If we manage to STOP FOOTBALL, no more would we be forced to wade through acres of this bloody rubbish to find out that Tebow has started a Bible study group in the Jets locker room that vies for members with Antonio Cromartie's, and instead of calling out each other's bullshit, they just snipe back and forth with quotes from Ezekiel or what have you. For that matter, to STOP FOOTBALL would be to end the endless will-she-won't-she about Peyton Manning's neck, questioning whether Eli Manning really is cute, doubts about the current status of Michael Vick's relationship with dogs, hearing from Deion Sanders, and get back to solving our nation's debt crisis, unemployment crisis, war on drugs, tea party, and dubstep problems.* STOP FOOTBALL.
*Much of this paragraph was cribbed from The Guardian's original STOP FOOTBALL campaign, which still fights valiantly on against the continued existence of soccer-football, the lesser of two evils I hope we can all turn to this autumn when we STOP (AMERICAN) FOOTBALL.