by Kate Schmidt
Yong-sun: OK, here is the dear leader.
me: Good morning, Mr. Marshal of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.
Jong-un: Greetings, cousin of Eric.
me: From what I can gather, you have been very busy lately. There is the American delegation, of course. But if you don't mind my asking, is it true that, as some have speculated, you recently became father to an heir, Kim Jong-un Junior?
Jong-un: Cousin of Eric, it is I who had a birthday. And it is I who in my own honor bestowed upon every child in the land (ten and under) one kilogram of candy, good stuff. They exploded with joy.
me: I see. Happy belated birthday to you.
Jong-un: Don't believe everything you read. ;-)
me: There has also been quite a bit of speculation here about the exact purpose of the American delegation's visit.
Jong-un: Today they go to see the octopus.
me: I'm afraid some people are saying that the visit has other aims. According to an ABC News report, it's intended to "do the improbable—project [you] as a high-tech leader." No disrespect intended, sir.
Jong-un: LMAO! Let's see ABC launch a long-range rocket.
me: For my part, I confess I am very curious about your ties to Gerard Depardieu, who apparently is now in Montenegro after failing to appear at a DUI hearing in Paris yesterday. Can you confirm that you've invited him to take refuge in Pyongyang?
Jong-un: Cousin of Eric, I am number one fan of Depardieu, but I am told that to feed and berobe him would place an insupportable burden on the Democratic People's Republic of Korea at a time when we are looking to push back the frontier of progress.
me: Can you elaborate on your long-range plans, sir? (No pun intended.)
Jong-un: We will bring about a radical turn in the building of an economic giant with the same spirit and mettle as were displayed in conquering space. And we will stage still more events which inspire all the service personnel and people with confidence in sure victory and courage. 下村陽子*
me: Well, best of luck to you and the Democratic People's Republic, Mr. Marshal.
* "A new day is dawning"