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Captured at newsgroup talk.bizarre

From: Scott Ellis

Subject: Job Interview

Listen, sorry it's taken so long to get to you, but we had a couple of things come up. Jeez, I'm starving. Tell you what, we'll do this over at the submarine place over at the mall. I'm buying.

Pastrami and peppers. Lotsa peppers. You? OK, make it two.

You really want this job? Yeah? OK, here's, lemme see, four quarters. Take 'em. You ever played Tetris? Good. What you're gonna do is you're gonna play that Tetris game inna corner over there. You get to round, lessee, I got, what, a dime, a nickel, and four pennies left, to round 19 and you got the job. No, I'm not kiddin'. But you gotta start at the "Difficult" level. No sense fartin' around, eh?

OK, the name of the game is top-down management, exactly how the Company is run. Don't let nobody tell you any different, all that "employee incentive" crapola. See, all those little shapes you gotta fit together? You don't get any say in what's comin' at ya--ya just gotta do it. Makes sense that Tetris was invented in the Soviet Union before glasnost. Central Planning, if you wanna call it that. Lesson one.

Lesson two. What happens when you fit a row together, like that there? Right, it disappears. Same over here. Don't expect no gratitude, no perks. We only deal in "What have you done for me lately?" It's called motivatin' the workforce.

OK, the shapes are comin' down the screen, like they're fallin', but does that matter? I mean to say, they could be goin' sideways or up, am I right? Right. Gravity don't have anything to do with it. 'Spite of the way it looks. Lesson three: We got our own brand of physics here. Just because it don't seem to make any sense, well, that don't concern you. Thing is, somebody, some Einstein, at Head Office decided this is the way it is and as far as you're concerned, when the word comes down, shit starts fallin' up, right? Right? Right.

Now you're at level 12 and you're down to two quarters. You fucked up twice, but you got to keep playin', 'cause you slipped them quarters in before anybody noticed. That's what you gotta do. Cover up and do it fast. Might even give yourself a little breather, if you do it right, all that shit don't come at you so fast for a while. Like with here. Lesson four.

Uh-oh! Down to one. Really gonna have to hustle now. And you got all that shit comin' up under your feet, makin' it hard to concentrate.

There's your lesson five. You start where we're gonna put you--well, it's borin' but you know what's what, right? But an ambitious guy like you--you are an ambitious guy, right? Good....Like I was sayin', an ambitious guy like you, soon as you start climbin' up the old corporate ladder, you notice that the ground starts gettin' all shaky and weird. Right under your feet. And it's only going to get worse, the higher you go. God, I love this country!

Well, Holy Moly, ya did it. Thought you were goin' to wuss out there, but you came through. Here, lemme get you a Coke--you just sit down there, get your breathin' back to normal, eh?

So, the job's yours, ya want it? Uh-huh, you'll think about it. Thought you might say that. Don't take too long...

Caught in the Net welcomes interesting flotsam culled by its readers. Send E-mail to netfishing@chireader.com. There's a T-shirt in it for you if we print it.

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