Caught in the Net | Caught in the Net | Chicago Reader

News & Politics » Caught in the Net

Caught in the Net

by

comment

Captured at users.uniserve.com/%7Esbarclay/ask.htm

The Sea-Monkey Worship Page

Ask the Sea-Monkey Lady

I have decided to make this page as many people have been asking for more information on Sea-Monkeys. I have attempted to answer them as best I can but the Sea-Monkey Lady makes mistakes now and then (although this is a rare, nay, freak occurrence)! If you have a better answer, let me know!! We have added my partner in crime, Ray, to answer any of your Sea-Monkey questions from a male perspective!!!

Q. My male Sea-Monkey seems to be attracted to my other male Sea-Monkey. Should I separate them or be open-minded? Both refuse to come out of the closet, but we all know what's going on.

Submitted by Ceci & Rhondy

A. Sea-Monkeys are just like us in many ways--OK, so they have little in common with us other than a desire to live, love, and pursue happiness, but that's beside the point--and they often find themselves attracted to the same sex. This is OK.

Perhaps they are not ready to share their love with an unaccepting society, and that's OK too. Just leave them be. They will be ready to reveal their sexual orientation shortly and, until then, just let them live out their lives together. Actually, if you could arrange to televise it on sweeps week (November and May, specifically) I think we could all be in for some seriously heavy advertising revenues. But then again, if they are happy, isn't that all that matters?

Q. In a nutshell, one of my Sea-Monkeys is obsessed with me. He or she (I've never really been able to tell) can tell the difference between me and my mom. He can tell when I'm coming down the hall into the living room and watches me and follows me around as best he can from the time I walk into the living room until the time I go out, but he NEVER does it for my mother. I can always tell it's him because one of his little finny things is deformed. I've even tested it out, and if I move north, he moves north. If I move south, he moves south. It's EERIE! It's a very disturbing thought to realize that I'm being stalked by a BRINE SHRIMP. What should I do?

Submitted by J. Morley

A. This is a most intriguing development, J. I suspect that either you look more like a brine shrimp than you suspect (count your eyes, if in doubt) or he/she thinks that he/she is a human and is in love with you. Actually, rather than being freaked out, you should be flattered. No more lonely nights for you, J.; you have an admirer. If you are truly weirded out by the whole thing I would suggest that you acquire (and soon) a Sea-Monkey therapist. No, I'm not crazy, it's a valid psychological study.

You may wish to bring the therapist in and do some behavior modification therapy with your little friend. First, give your Sea-Monkey a name. It can't feel good about itself unless it has some sort of identity. Then, with the therapist, show the Sea-Monkey pictures of other Sea-Monkeys and then yourself. Say things like "Sea-Monkey good life partner" and "human bad life partner" to indicate to the Sea-Monkey that he/she should pick the briny one as a mate for life. During this period of time, try to avoid dressing like a Sea-Monkey or smelling too briny (i.e., lay off the kosher pickles) to avoid confusing your little friend! After a few weeks your Sea-Monkey will understand the difference and, with any luck, will pick an appropriate target for his/her love interest. I hope that this helps in some small way.

Q. Can you eat Sea-Monkeys?

A. Yes you can, but they are kind of small and it would take quite a good number of Sea-Monkeys to fill up a pita pocket.

Q. If so what do they taste like?

A. Like chicken.

Q. Why is my Sea-Monkey floating on the top of the water? Is he mad at me?

Submitted by Anonymous

A. No, he is dead. I hope this clears things up.

Caught in the Net welcomes interesting flotsam culled by its readers. Send E-mail to netfishing@chireader.com. There's a T-shirt in it for you if we print it.

Add a comment