Caught in the Net | Caught in the Net | Chicago Reader
comment

Captured at www.envirolink.org/orgs/coe/coefaq.html

The Church of Euthanasia

P.O. Box 261

Somerville, MA 02143

What is the Church of Euthanasia?

The Church of Euthanasia is a non-profit educational foundation devoted to restoring balance between Humans and the remaining species on Earth. We believe this can only be accomplished by a massive voluntary population reduction, which will require a leap in Human consciousness to a new species awareness.

The Human population is increasing by one million every four days. This is a net increase of 95 million per year, the current population of Mexico. Even major wars or epidemics hardly dent this rate of growth, and modern wars also have tremendous environmental consequences. It is for these practical reasons, as well as moral ones, that we support only voluntary forms of population reduction.

The Church has only one commandment, and it is "Thou Shalt Not Procreate." In addition, we have four "pillars" or principles, which are Suicide, Abortion, Cannibalism, and Sodomy.

Note that cannibalism is only required for those who insist on eating flesh, and is strictly limited to consumption of the already dead. Also note that sodomy is defined as any sexual act not intended for procreation: fellatio, cunnilingus, and anal sex are all forms of sodomy and are still illegal in many states.

Do I have to kill myself?

Of course you don't have to kill yourself! If you really want to, though, wait until after you've joined the Church. That way, you automatically become a saint, without any additional paperwork. Don't forget to leave a note thanking and/or blaming the Church, and feel free to will us your estate, if you have one.

I've already procreated. Can I still join?

Absolutely! So long as you don't have any more. We have a number of members with children, and we even have a member whose son joined too. What's done is done. What matters is your commitment now.

Why haven't you killed yourself yet?

I just might. Believe me, I think about it every day. But maybe, just maybe, if enough people listen to what we're saying and stop procreating and consuming so much, we might be able to reduce the population and build a more compassionate, sustainable future. Then maybe I won't need to kill myself. That hope is the only thing that keeps me alive; if it ever dies, I'll die with it, and you can have front row seats. The real question is how much of your self you are willing to sacrifice for the well-being of the remaining species on Earth, as well as future generations of Humans.

Caught in the Net welcomes interesting flotsam culled by its readers. Send E-mail to netfishing@chicagoreader.com. There's a T-shirt in it for you if we print it.

Support Independent Chicago Journalism: Join the Reader Revolution

We speak Chicago to Chicagoans, but we couldn’t do it without your help. Every dollar you give helps us continue to explore and report on the diverse happenings of our city. Our reporters scour Chicago in search of what’s new, what’s now, and what’s next. Stay connected to our city’s pulse by joining the Reader Revolution.

Are you in?

  Reader Revolutionary $35/month →  
  Rabble Rouser $25/month →  
  Reader Radical $15/month →  
  Reader Rebel  $5/month  → 

Not ready to commit? Send us what you can!

 One-time donation  →