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Caught in the Net

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Captured at www.geocities.com/capitolhill/senate/26801

Americans For Purity:

Winning The War On Masturbation

This site is dedicated to exposing the REAL Number One Public Health Problem in America today: Masturbation. If you have come here looking for Jokes or Humor about Masturbation, then you have come to the wrong place! But if you have come to be Educated on the Straight Facts about the EVILS of Masturbation, then Welcome!

The Problem

Masturbation is more dangerous than smoking. Doctors of a generation ago knew this, but since the Sexual Revolution of the 1960s, this fact has been lost in the "if it feels good, do it" mentality.

Myth: Masturbation is harmless.

Reality: Medical science proves that chronic Masturbation causes weakness, depression, forgetfulness, and nearsightedness.

Myth: Masturbation is not immoral.

Reality: Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his seed upon the ground that God struck Onan dead! It is true that Onan wasn't Masturbating, but the point is that God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason.

Myth: Americans value their "Freedom" and will never stand for Masturbation being outlawed.

Reality: Masturbatory devices are already illegal in Texas. The police in San Antonio and Austin have aggressively enforced this law.

Myth: But everyone's doing it!

Reality: Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5 percent of Americans don't Masturbate.

The Solution

How to stop the current epidemic of Self-Abuse in America? We need the same tactics and the same kind of get-tough attitude that has been so successful in the War On Drugs!

Zero tolerance is a policy that should be enacted immediately in the War on Masturbation!

Surgery

Certain supposedly "primitive" tribes in Africa have completely eliminated Masturbation among their women! How was this amazing feat accomplished? Through a very simple operation called a Clitoridectomy, which is analogous to circumcision in the male. (Clitoridectomy has gotten a bad reputation in the West, but only because in Africa it is often done with crude instruments, without anesthesia, and under unsanitary conditions. When it is mandated in America it will, of course, be done in a sterile, modern operating room with anesthesia.) A woman who has had a Clitoridectomy is permanently cured of Masturbation and other lascivious behavior, but the Godless bureaucrats in Washington, D.C., have had the audacity to OUTLAW this operation!

What You Can Do

1. Contact your Representatives in Congress at the State and National level and encourage them to adopt the Americans For Purity platform. You can go here for your Senator's E-mail address or here for your Representative's E-mail address. Click here to send an E-mail to the President of the United States.

2. Vote Republican. There are many Republican candidates who subscribe to the AFP Platform, but they do so only in private because of the controversy involved.

3. If you are a parent, click here for instructions on how to deal with teen Masturbation.

4. Click here to see the flood of Hate Mail this Bible-believing site has received!

5. Click here to go to a page of AFP-approved links.

6. If you Masturbate, stop doing so At Once.

AFP Hate Mail Archive

Well it's got me stumped. Surely it MUST be a joke site, but I'm not completely positive. If it's a joke "Well done!" I say. --Col. E.Z. Smith

We'll just see how funny you think it is when you're burning in the Lake of Fire!

Caught in the Net welcomes interesting flotsam culled by its readers. Send E-mail to netfishing@chicagoreader.com.

There's a T-shirt in it for you if we print it.

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