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Fiddling while Rome burns

Uncle Dan offers quick-hit advice for penis diddlers, dry humpers, and more.

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Q: My boyfriend of almost two years is wonderful, and we have had very few issues. But there is one thing that has almost been a deal breaker. He fiddles with his penis almost constantly—in front of me and in front of our roommates. I've confronted him about it a number of times. He said he should be able to fiddle with his dick in every room of the house if he wants to and he should feel comfortable doing so. I told him that he is being "comfortable" at the expense of the comfort of those around him. We've had a number of confrontations about this, and he does it a lot less, but he still does it. If he doesn't stop when I tell him to, I just leave the room. My question to you: Is this behavior unacceptable or am I being unreasonable? —Frustrated With the Fiddling

A: Until a few weeks ago, I would have said that neo-Nazis sieg-heiling around Washington, D.C., was unacceptable and any elected official or pundit who didn't immediately condemn neo-Nazis would be finished politically and professionally. But it turns out that neo-Nazism is just another example of IOIYAR—"It's OK if you're a Republican"—and relativism reigns.

In other words: "Unacceptable" is a relative concept, FWTF, not an objective one.

That said, FWTF, I don't think you're being unreasonable: Fiddling with your dick in every room of the house is inconsiderate and childish. It sounds like you're doing a good job of socializing your boyfriend—better late than never—and I would encourage you to keep it up.

Q: I'm a straight man in a mostly healthy marriage. Our sex life is average, which I understand is better than some people can hope for, and we communicate well. For example, I felt comfortable admitting to my wife a few weeks ago that I would like more blow jobs. She in turn felt comfortable admitting to me that she would prefer if I showered more often. So we made a deal: I would shower every day and she would blow me twice a month. But the first month came and went with no blow jobs in sight. I've showered every single day. Should I bring this up to her? —Bathe Longer or Withhold Sex

A: Your wife doesn't wanna suck your cock, BLOWS, squeaky clean or stinky cheese. I would recommend outsourcing nonbirthday blow jobs—if your wife is OK with that, BLOWS, which she won't be.

Q: I'm a mid-30s bi woman in an incredible poly marriage with a bi guy. A few months ago, I learned that one of my closest friends (also poly) has a crush on me. I also have always had a crush on him. My crush-friend needed to ask his other partners how they felt about him being involved with me. Three months have gone by, and he's not yet told me how his other partners feel. One of those partners is under a lot of stress—not the best time to bring up potential new partners to her—but my friend has dated other people in the past three months. I think if he really wanted to do something with me, he would have asked by now. I know you can't ask someone to give you closure. I've also got a shit ton of pride that prevents me from asking him directly how he feels. Should I just move on? —Confused And Pathetic

A: Yup.

Q: I am a queer trans woman in my mid-20s, and I am in a monogamous relationship with a queer cis woman. We have been dating for about three months now. We have had an absolutely amazing sex life since day one, except for one caveat: She has never in her life had an orgasm. For most of the time she has been sexually active, she has felt ambivalent about getting off. It has only been in the past month that she has started feeling a "sexual awakening," as she calls it. We have been making progress, but she has been having issues with getting caught up in her head when I am pleasuring her. This has been causing dysphoric feelings for her. We have had a few discussions about what we can do about the situation, but we are feeling lost. We know there isn't going to be a quick fix, but what do we do about this? —Confused and Nervous Truly Can't Overcome Much Exasperation

A: Pot.

Q: I've been in a long-term relationship with the girl I'm going to marry. While I've had a few relationships in the past, she has had only one other relationship before me, who also happened to be her only other sexual companion. My girlfriend is very vanilla in the bedroom, which is fine for me, but the issue is that currently the only way for her to have an orgasm is to grind (dry hump) on my boxer shorts until she climaxes. This obviously causes her a little bit of embarrassment, along with some heavy rug burn on both of our ends. My question for you: Is there any toy or something that may help with this? —Girlfriend Dryly Humping

A: Pot and sex toys—they might not help, but they couldn't hurt.

Q: I'm a woman with a small build who has never had children. During sex, my current partner frequently says "Squeeze your pussy," as in he expects me to do Kegel exercises during sex (and hold it), which I will not do because it's not pleasurable for me to tense up like that during sex. He doesn't have the biggest or the smallest dick I have ever had, and I have never had this comment before. I have actually been told many times how "good and tight" I feel. We both enjoy anal, so we tried that. Same request: "Squeeze." I have no abnormalities. I'm not sure if there is a work-around for this, other than doing Kegels every minute of my life. Help! —Sex Partner's Annoying Requests

A: You have two options: You can tell your current sex partner you aren't going to "squeeze" his dick with your pussy or your ass, as the sensation isn't pleasurable for you, or can you lie to him. Tell him you're squeezing your pussy/ass—you're squeezing so hard—without actually squeezing your pussy/ass. Odds are good he'll notice a difference even if you're not doing anything differently, SPAR, so great is the power of suggestion.  v

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