Dear readers: I'm on vacation. The questions and answers in this week's column are recent installments of the Savage Love Letter of the Day, which folks with the SLAPP—the Savage Love app for iPhone or Android—receive daily via the miracle of modern technology.
Q I've always been attracted to women. But I've had experiences with other males as well—all fondling. I get pegged, so to speak, as being gay quite a lot. I recognize why: I flirt with men. I like being nice and making people happy. I think some guys confuse my polite "I love everybody" hippie vibe with my being willing to suck their dicks.
I'm a pretty boy, so perhaps this causes confusion. Also, I notice that I tend to display "mate poaching behavior," meaning I tend to flirt with women who are in relationships, and I have in fact been with quite a few women who are in relationships, or married.
I guess I'm just a flirtatious guy. I consider myself a very sensual person. Also: I act more gay around homophobes, to the point where even I start to question myself. To break it down: Sometimes I feel gay. But usually it's only around insecure homophobes I don't consider physically beautiful at all! I feel very frustrated, Dan, because I don't feel confused at all, but I feel like I confuse people. —Damn Acronyms Really Evade
A I should probably reread your letter before I bang out a response, DARE, but that might prompt me to throw my laptop, myself, or both right out the open window I'm sitting next to. So forgive me for dashing this off: Yes, DARE, you confuse people. And you're doing it on purpose, pretty little hippie, as you damn well know. But allow me to unpack your bullshit for you just in case in you damn well don't . . .
You pursue women who have boyfriends and flirt with men who have issues because you're an egotistical little narcissist who derives sadistic pleasure from causing erotic chaos wherever you go.
I'm sorry if all of that sounds harsh, pretty little hippie, and there are worse things you could do than be a player and a prick tease. But at some point, you're going to have to admit—at least to yourself—that your "I love everybody" routine is a disguise, and you get off on creating confusion.
You're the satyr, DARE, not the faun. Own it.
Q I'm 26, bi, female, and my idea of a successful long-term relationship lands somewhere between monogamish—awesome word!—and completely nonmonogamous. I've tried telling potential partners about my kinks on the first date. At first, they're all into it, but eventually the men all change their minds. What am I doing wrong? —Apparently Not Every Man's Dream
A So basically, ANEMD, you're 26 years old and you're still single.
Where do I send flowers?
Look, kiddo, you might wanna think of your romantic history this way: Every man you've been with so far either hasn't wanted the type of relationship you're offering or hasn't wanted you. That doesn't mean there aren't men out there who do want the type of relationship you're offering and/or you, only that you haven't met one yet. Keep calm, carry on, and push that kink conversation back to the third date.
Q I'm a 27-year-old straight guy. This girl I work with is everything I want in a partner. We've been flirting at work, but she's already got a boyfriend. I've been the guy who gets cheated on, and I won't do that to someone else. Also, I've recently been promoted and I'm now her immediate superior. She's a shit employee: lazy, rude to customers, and last week I had to call her on a really basic mistake. Despite these complications, I want to make a real move on her. But how do I get around these issues? —Frustrated in Sydney
A I'm having a hard time reconciling "everything I want in a partner" with "shit employee who might well be willing to cheat on her boyfriend." Also: my naturally suspicious nature has me wondering if she didn't see your promotion coming—the one that made you her immediate supervisor. Right now, you're not going to fire her because you want to fuck her, FIS, and once you've fucked her, you won't be able to fire her because she'll be able to accuse you of sexual harassment. See how that works?
My advice: Go to your boss and tell him that a little innocent coworker flirtation has been queered by your promotion. Ask your boss to place this girl under someone else, FIS, and after this girl's new immediate supervisor fires her, you'll quickly find out if she was ever really interested in being "placed" under you at all.