Foreign Relations | Year In Review | Chicago Reader

News & Politics » Year In Review

Foreign Relations

A Few Common-Sense Suggestions


Sign up for our newsletters Subscribe



Gorbachev wants to cut back on the arms race because it's bankrupting his country. Americans would like to help, but if the defense industry collapses the only jobs left in America will be in fast foods. The answer is for the U.S. to build twice as many tanks and bombers as we do now and give half of them to the Soviet Union. This will guarantee full employment at home, take the pressure off the Soviets, and preserve the balance of power that has kept the world at peace.

German Reunification

Nobody really wants it, but what to do? Turn the Berlin Wall into the Berlin Mall. Once Deutschland is bisected by a band of trendy shops under UN supervision, East German proles will be able to sate themselves on Western glitz and still stay home to work out some sort of modest social democracy--possibly along the lines of Austria, another country that might be longing to reunite with Germany but isn't.

Central America

The American approach here is all wrong. What the CIA should do is install Marxist regimes that will round up all the priest-killing fascists that infest the region now and shoot them. After about 40 years of mind-numbing Stalinist rule, the people will be literate, healthy, and fed up. That's when they'll toss out the Party and install the kinds of governments we can live with.


The fear is that Japan will turn the United States into a wholly owned subsidiary. As with any other unfriendly takeover, the solution is to find a white knight. The U.S. should consider selling itself to Canada, possibly in return for exploration rights in the Yukon and Northwest Territories. This wily move would give Americans back a frontier, making us spiritually whole again.

The Trade Imbalance

Let's take stock! What does America have a surplus of that other countries could possibly use? The answer is, Republicans. These doughty troupers make hardy, docile workers, pugnacious bosses, and happy breeders. You won't catch Republicans striking or marching on seats of government! On the other hand, they eagerly repel intruders marked by funny last names or philosophies. Once Third World despots start buying Republicans from us and putting them to work, they'll wonder what they ever saw in the Peace Corps.

Support Independent Chicago Journalism: Join the Reader Revolution

We speak Chicago to Chicagoans, but we couldn’t do it without your help. Every dollar you give helps us continue to explore and report on the diverse happenings of our city. Our reporters scour Chicago in search of what’s new, what’s now, and what’s next. Stay connected to our city’s pulse by joining the Reader Revolution.

Are you in?

  Reader Revolutionary $35/month →  
  Rabble Rouser $25/month →  
  Reader Radical $15/month →  
  Reader Rebel  $5/month  → 

Not ready to commit? Send us what you can!

 One-time donation  →