News & Politics » Our Town

How to Marry Your Arresting Officer

And Other Offerings From the Romanoff School Summer Schedule

by

comment

LET'S DO BRUNCH

Your dates are absolutely fabuloso, your weekday lunches are divine, but when it comes to Sunday brunch, you feel like someone just saddled you with your True Love's twin from Hell.

Most of us don't show our true colors during the weekday lunch, or even at dinner. But weekends, when our true rhythms assert themselves, clashing styles could spell trouble in the department of love.

F. Romanoff, cuisiniere extraordinaire, CBIS*, has made a special study of brunch incompatibility and identified basic types. If you're a Leisure and are out munching with an Efficient, your irritations could cause disaster.

Fortunately, you can take advantage of F. Romanoff's special knowledge. Take this course and learn to identify your style and your special friend's. Don't risk losing everything over biscuits and lox.

The class will visit several hot North Side brunchiendas, and talk to brunch specialists from all over Chicagoland.

Course fee: $50

Lab fee: $75

*Certificate of Brunch Incompatibility Studies

QWIK EXERCISE FOR SINGLES

The course that would have had to have been invented if it didn't exist. No-sweat gymwork for singles, for those jam-packed days when you have a big date coming up but still need to go to the gym. Learn to exercise without perspiring, lifting, bending--without moving at all! Remember the game Statues? Your leader is Ms. F.G. Romanoff, certified facilitator of La Methode AeroboLite(tm).

Cost: $75

Lab fee: $15

SALADS FOR SINGLES

The salad needs of singles are truly unique. Singles are more likely than meal-providers in the nuclear family to neglect this most important component. (Who wants to be nuclear, anyway?) Mr. Romaine F. Romanoff, DFL*, president of Chicago's own Oak Street Lettuce Shoppe, will lead this ever-popularoso class, Lettuce Tips and You. Even if you can't tell Romaine from Radiccio, you'll be sure to enjoy this course. Mr. Romanoff will demonstrate Soaking, Rinsing, Drying (Paper Towels or Cloths? There is a difference), Cooling, and Refrigerating (quite two different kettles of fish!). And the ever-important: Making a Salad pour Toi. That means you! One full discussion on: Is there a lettuce spinner in your future? Individual conferences on this most important but often neglected item in your menu. Upon the successful completion of the course, Mr. Romanoff will present each student with an autographed copy of his book, "Never Leave Out Lettuce!" Mr. Romanoff urges both leafofiles and phobes to attend.

Cost: $75

Leaf fee: $25

*Diplomat de Fines Lettuces

SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT LECTURE SERIES

Five nights of fabuloso lecture-discussions by recognized experts in our unique North Side location. Topics:

Pardon me, miss, but is that you in my centerfold? Periodicals to read on the el that guarantee notice.

Express lane to his heart: What image do you project with your groceries--is your grocery cart marking you as a dud? Is it too suggestive?

How your laundry basket can help you garner that special someone.

How to meet your true love while doing your duty--jury, that is.

How to marry your arresting officer.

No need to worry your head about that C-word, commitment! No need to sign up in advance! Just pay $15 at the door. No lab fee!

THE PLEASURES OF THE TAP

In these days of sophisticated bottled water consumption, it's time we got to appreciating the pleasures of the tap. Some of the best things in life are nearly free! Mr. R.F. Romanoff, who calls himself a water drinker from "way back," will illustrate the "Right" way to gather, store, and serve tap water, and, in the final class, pour, form, and serve ice cubes. We will also taste "L'eau de ville" flown in fresh from various venues--Hot Springs, Cold Springs, Warm Springs, not-so-Hot Springs, Le Havre, Le Havre Not, the Hague, and the ever-famoso New York City. (Excuse us, we exaggerate about some of the locations!) You'll be surprised at how much you can learn! Impress your dates with your savoir faire, not to mention your l'eau pur. (That's not the sound a short cat makes, either.)

Even if you don't know how to boil water, enroll in this course and chill out!

Course: $75

Lab fee: $10

RECONAITRE FOR LES SINGLES

In this course you will learn to meet your perfect mate--in unusual settings. The first two classes we will discuss one often-overlooked locus--the hospital! Learn what short-term but serious diseases you can court without losing your looks. Learn what specialties are most likely to bring encounters with physicians of the opposite sex. (It's surgery for you ladies!) How to look languid while absorbing an IV. How to tell if a male nurse is for you. Find out which area hospitals are known for close doctor-patient relationships. Learn how to choose a doctor you would give your eyeteeth for. Learn where your eyeteeth are located. Discover how to get them removed with the best possible result. (Better than losing an arm and a leg!) Remember: no pain, no gain.

Other topics include: lawsuits for singles, car accidents for the just-divorced, funeral attendance for single parents. Your delightful teacher is Mrs. (!) Fifi Romanoff, distinguished penwoman, creator of the action-packed music video, How I Bashed My Way to the Altar.

Cost: $75

Lab fee: $500

Proof of insurance (health, life, auto) required

Call now for class calendars! First 15 registerees will receive, gratis, a signed copy of R.F. Romanoff, PhD's most insightful Women Who Love to Munch and the Men Who Bait Them.

Add a comment