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Lesser-Known Forms of Anthrax

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Spontaneous Anthrax

Symptoms: Shortness of breath, palpitating heart, fleeting but discerible thrill

Method of Transmission: Mysterious neighbors, wacky cousins

Likelihood of Contraction: Low for employed adults, high for teenagers

Probability of Recovery: High

Inspiration Anthrax

Symptoms: Increased brain activity, feeling of superiority, sleeplessness

Method of Transmission: Bad novels, new love affairs, poignant encounters on public transportation

Likelihood of Contraction: High for the pretentious

Probability of Recovery: High

Suggestive Anthrax

Symptoms: Weakness of will, inability to distinguish reality from fiction, desire to purchase useless products, paranoia

Method of Transmission: Commercials, scented magazines

Likelihood of Contraction: High

Probability of Recovery: High

Inhibition Anthrax

Symptoms: Self-doubt, feeling fat

Method of Transmission: Unsupportive relatives, childhood slights, bad advice

Likelihood of Contraction: High

Probability of Recovery: Moderate, with drugs

Sympathetic Anthrax

Symptoms: Feeeling that you have not suffered enough compared with victims of September 11 massacre, fear of impending apocalypse

Method of Transmission: Television, NPR, photos of Rudolph Giuliani, New York Times "Portraits of Grief" page

Likelihood of Contraction: High

Probability of Recovery: Never

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