Do you look like your mother? Your daughter? Your father? Harry Potter? Who do you like in the sixth at Hawthorne? Who wants to know? The Chicago Sun-Times, that's who.
The Sun-Times was curious this year. It didn't ask hard questions, like why is the sky blue? where do babies come from? how much does a man have to take? Its queries were both more and less personal than that. Here are five things the Sun-Times wanted its readers to tell it about--in 300 words or less. And five more things it wasn't inquisitive about but could have been. Can you tell which is which? (One hint: The fakes are based on actual stories that ran in the paper. All the Sun-Times had to do was ask.)
April 2, 2000: So your daughter's friend calls out her name when she sees you at the health club? It's not the first time you've been mistaken for your daughter, now is it?
August 6, 2000: You be the mayor. It's time to cut some budget fat. Where do you do it? Should the city cancel the fireworks at Taste of Chicago, stop paving streets, plant fewer flowers, take away official-use cell phones?
August 25, 2000: A new study says that the German reputation for humorlessness is due to language, not attitude. Are you German? What's the matter? Why do you look so sad? Warum schauen Sie so traurig? Oh, that's why.
August 31, 2000: A mob in Wales attacked a pediatrician's office, mistaking the word pediatrician for pedophile. Have you ever been the victim of a similar misunderstanding?
September 10, 2000: You've read the passionate words Ronald Reagan sent to Nancy Reagan in letters, telegrams, and cards over nearly five decades. Now we want to share your love letters.
September 19, 2000: Have you or a member of your family ever been possessed by the devil? Did you engage an exorcist? Did you tip the exorcist? How did demonic possession feel? Who cleaned up? Photographs would be appreciated, but cannot be returned.
September 24, 2000: Why do you read? What effect has reading had on your lives? What was your favorite book when you were growing up?
September 28, 2000: In Paris, gangs use attack monkeys to intimidate their victims. Paris is a fashion leader--should we ban monkeys, just in case? The French? Would you be intimidated by a monkey? Hell no, right?
September 29, 2000: If a group that seeks to clone a new Jesus Christ from DNA found on relics is successful, should Bulls GM Jerry Krause beg Him to come to Chicago? What if He refuses, too?
October 5, 2000: How has the first year of the new millennium been treating you? What memorable moment has filled you with happiness, hope, or anguish, or made you laugh until you cried? (Note: this one may be a little hard to answer, since the first year of the new millennium is next year.)
Nancy and Mommie. Nancy Pants and Mommie Pants and Mommie Poo Pants. Darling and First Lady and First Mommie.