It was very busy here last night. There was one empty seat with a hat and some cigarettes on it, and while this other guy and I waited to see if a person would return, we struck up a conversation and had a cocktail. He said his name was Ray. After a while the owner of the cigarettes and the hat did come back. He was really drunk, and I guess he fancied Ray--his hands were all over him and he was sharing way too much information about his sex life. Ray was very polite, though it was clear that he was completely uncomfortable. I tried to help by making it look like Ray and I were together, but the drunk guy didn't get the hint. In fact, at that point he tried to kiss Ray. Ray threw his hands up and said, "I really don't like just anybody kissing on me." The drunk looked shocked at having been refused. Finally the bartenders noticed what was going on. They cut him off and warned him to behave. The drunkard immediately started whining to Ray, "Am I really bothering you? Why can't I have another drink?" Then he saw another guy and said, "Maybe he'll kiss me. Hey baby, c'mere." And with that he walked out of our lives. He left his hat though.
--Draco Forte, consultant