Personal, New Millennium Theatre Company, at the Boxer Rebellion Theater. Single white play seeking audience. I am: two long acts, 19 slim characters, 16 overeager young actors, 120 rough minutes of stiff dialogue purportedly based on actual personal ads, scripted by Dean K. Engel. Likes: Dave Matthews; long aimless walks onstage; U2; hackneyed not-ready-for-Second City plots involving lonely singles; the Police; familiar proclamations, aphorisms, and cliches ("Have you ever wanted something so badly you can feel it?"); Abba; meandering, overwritten expository monologues; Gloria Gaynor; uninspired direction; Urge Overkill; labored innuendo; the Captain and Tennille; watching paint dry. Dislikes: Credible, consistent, differentiated characterizations; inventive plotting; theater critics. Sexual tastes: tame, just a smidgen to the left of George W. Bush.
You must be: forgiving, exceedingly polite, easily amused, gifted with the patience of Job. Right person will be willing to endure ineptly written, drawn-out scenes often touting family values: for instance, a horny swinger comes to realize, with the help of a very unconvincing dominatrix, that he's been neglecting his wife; an exhibitionist is charged in a courtroom with public indecency; a daughter is shocked to discover that her mother is having an affair; an artist seeks amputees for models. Bonus points for fans of rejected 1970s sitcom pilots and cable-access television. Masochists and insomniacs welcome. Sadists encouraged to bring friends.