I spoke at Pacific University in Forest Grove, Oregon, last Thursday night. PU students submitted a lot more questions—anonymous, on three-by-five-inch cards—than I could possibly answer in the 90 minutes we had together. So I'm going to use this week's column to answer some of the ones I didn't get to. Here we go:
Q What's the biggest barrier to the acceptance of gay marriage in the U.S.?
A There are two big barriers.
First: all those loud, aggressive, and hypocritical right-wing "Christian" shitsticks who oppose marriage equality because of some supposedly antigay bullshit they read in the Bible while ignoring everything in the very same Bible that limits their own sexual freedoms—you know, all those motherfuckers who masturbate, fornicate, divorce, and remarry, and then turn around and oppose same-sex marriage because it "goes against their religion."
Second: all those quiet, timid, and cowardly NALT Christians out there who support marriage equality but have allowed their conservative coreligionists to hijack Christianity. (NALT stands for "not all like that," the phrase you hear from liberal Christians whenever you bitch about conservative Christians, i.e., "We're not all like that!" Yes, yes, NALTs—we know. You're not all like that. Don't tell us. Tell Tony Perkins, tell the pope, tell Maggie Gallagher, et al.)
Q Do you have advice about a breakup?
A Thinking about breaking up with someone? Don't draw it out—nothing is worse than the humiliating realization, some days after you've been dumped, that the person who dumped you wanted out of the relationship weeks or months earlier.
Just been broken up with? Cry, eat, delete (phone numbers, e-mail, texts, sexts), defriend, hit the gym, hit on someone else just as soon as you're able. Or sooner.
Q If you were an animal, what animal would you be?
A I'm an animal already—I'm a primate, like you. If I had to be some other kind of animal, well, I would want to be either a tapeworm living in my husband's gut or a particularly lethal bacteria that had just been inhaled by Glenn Beck.
Q What is your opinion of straight women participating in No Shave November?
A I know nothing about No Shave November—but I'm an American, and we don't let ignorance stop us from forming opinions. So I wholeheartedly endorse No Shave November, its mission, and women's participation in it.
Q I'm the "other woman" to a man 14 years my senior. I left home for school, and he stopped contacting me—this after 1.5 years of relationship and visions of a future together. Did I get played?
Q What is your response to people who say that being gay is a choice?
A "You think being gay is a choice? Then choose it: suck my dick. Show me how it's done. You choose it—suck my dick—right now, and I'll videotape it, and then we'll put the proof that being gay is a choice on the Internet for the whole world to see. Deal?"
Q Do cooling and warming lubes just burn for everyone? Or is there something wrong with me? Why are they advertised as being so awesome?
A I'm not sure why they're suddenly marketing warming and cooling lubes to breeders so aggressively. But straight folks should know that gay people were using these lubes 40 years ago. They were called "hot lubes" back then, and gay people quickly realized that there wasn't anything interesting or sexy or awesome about a burning hole.
Q What's the most effective method for getting santorum out of the sheets?
A An ounce of prevention—or the careful placement of a towel—is worth a pound of Spray 'n Wash Stain Stick. If putting down a towel, or taking time to douche, is too much for you, fuck on the floor or get brown sheets.
Q I had a traumatic experience my freshman year that scarred me to the point that I did not want my boyfriend to be even a little dominant. Now, three years later, I am ready to take on a submissive role. How do I get my boyfriend to accept a submissive me?
A Thank the boyfriend for being the not-even-a-little-dom partner you needed while you healed. Then tell him that, thanks in large part to him, you're secure enough to start mixing it up and you want to explore consensual erotic submission. Then offer him your erotic submission—in whatever form it takes/turns you on—without asking him to play an overtly dominant role. Then, when he sees that you're not going to shatter, or that you're really sure about this and that it really turns you on, he can grow into a more overtly dominant role.
Q What should I do if it's too BIG to get in without hurting? Lube is not an option!
A If it hurts going in and lube is not an option, then I have a one-word answer for you. And it's not what you should do when someone stuffs a big dick into you and lube isn't an option for some mysterious reason, but what you're gonna do when someone stuffs a big dick into you and lube isn't an option for some mysterious reason: suffer.
Q Is college really the best place to meet the love of your life? And if not, then what do you do in the meantime?
A Some people do meet the loves of their lives at college. But you won't know if you're one of those people until you're well out of college. So hook up with hope.
Q How important do you think sexual chemistry/compatibility is in a long-term relationship?
A Sexual chemistry/compatibility is only as important as sexual exclusivity/satisfaction is. If the latter doesn't matter, then the former is irrelevant. And for the record, companionate marriage—the union of two individuals who sincerely love each other but who don't fuck (or don't fuck each other) because they have no sexual chemistry/compatibility (at least with each other)—can be wonderful. There are lots of happy, healthy companionate marriages out there—indeed, it's a "lifestyle option" that rarely gets the recognition or credit it deserves.
Q Do you think polyamory is possible or healthy?
A Polyamorous relationships are possible—I know for a fact that they're possible—but they're only as healthy as the folks who are in them. The same goes for monogamous relationships.
Q What's the best song to have sex to?
A Is there any question? "The Lonely Goatherd" from The Sound of Music, of course. If you don't have The Sound of Music—but who doesn't?—then "If Momma Was Married" from the original Broadway cast recording of Gypsy.