Savage Love: October 7, 2010 | Savage Love | Chicago Reader

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Savage Love: October 7, 2010

A cuckolding take-back, a screaming girlfriend, and why you'll find Dan Savage's picture if you look up T-shirt on Wikipedia


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Q My husband has a cuckold fetish, which we've indulged through two drunken threesomes with two of his best friends. The first time, he really had to talk me into it. The second time, he steered me in that direction and I took the wheel. I now have had sex alone with Friend Two a few times. My husband was OK with it at first, but now he wants it to stop. I like the control he gave me, and now I don't want to be told no. He opened the door, and I don't want to close it. What do I do? —Not Ready to Stop

A You close the damn door and you let your husband see that it's closed. You tell him that you'd rather the door were still open, NRTS, but you assure him that it's closed for now and will remain closed until he's ready to open it again.

That's pretty much the only way you can have both your husband and, at some point down the road, the "control he gave you"—i.e., his consent to fuck around with other men. Then you'll be able to open the door to a threesome again, this time without a booze assist. But it might take him longer to get comfortable with the idea of you seeing other guys alone, which seems to have triggered the wrong kind of anxiety—anxiety of the non-boner-inducing variety—which is not what emotionally safe and sane cuckolding is all about.

Trust me, NRTS: your husband is still into cuckolding. That's not a kink that evaporates after one or two drunken threesomes. He's probably just a little spooked by how quickly you progressed from having to be talked into it to having to be talked out of it. A time-out will give him a chance to see—and give you a chance to demonstrate—that he is still your first priority, emotionally and sexually.

Which he still is, right?

Q I'm a 23-year-old lesbian with a beautiful girlfriend whom I met a month ago. Here's the problem: she screams so loudly throughout sex that I'm concerned for my roommate and other people who live in our building, as well as the entire neighborhood. I'd know how to handle this situation if she were completely mute during sex—draw her out, make it into a game, etc—but I'm scared of telling her she's too loud, because I don't want to hamper her enjoyment. I even tried to make this into a role-play game where we'd pretend we needed to be silent for some reason, but nothing makes a difference.

How can I approach this without making her self-conscious? —Lesbian Over Ungodly Din

A You don't want to make her self-conscious, and that's a lovely impulse, but she's making you self-conscious, LOUD, so you're just going to have to risk it. Because we're not talking about a few loud yelps or screams at the climax(es) of the act(s), which is something a roommate or a neighbor can reasonably be expected to endure, but caterwauling throughout. That's not OK. Tell the new girlfriend that the yelling wouldn't be a problem if you lived on 200 acres of land, but you live in an apartment building, in the city, and you have a roommate and neighbors.

Under those circumstances, you have a right to ask her to stifle herself. And if she reacts badly or sulks like a child, then she's obviously not mature enough to waste your valuable time (and tongue) on.

Q How come when I look up the history of the T-shirt on Wikipedia, there's a picture of you? Are you aware of this? —Jewdizzle

A I invented the T-shirt, and every time one is sold—even one with rapper 50 Cent on it—I get a royalty check. That's why I don't have to have a real job and can devote my time to answering questions from cuckolds' wives, lesbians, and people interested enough in the history of the T-shirt to read the Wikipedia entry about it.

Q I want to thank you for the It Gets Better Project. My son is 14 and a sophomore in high school in rural Kentucky. He isn't athletic. He isn't religious. He isn't in ROTC. He is constantly being called gay or faggot, oftentimes by people he thought were his friends. He tries to ignore them, but it doesn't stop them. He tries to debate them, but it doesn't stop them. So far it hasn't gone beyond name-calling, but I worry. I showed him your site the day it went live. He sat down and watched the video that you and Terry put up. Since then I've seen him checking the site out on his own. I don't know if he's gay, but I do know that your message has touched him. Although he does confide that four years is still a long time to wait for things to get better. I think that seeing so many other people say the same thing holds much more weight than having his mother tell him. So thank you again for sharing. —A Concerned Mom

A In the last two weeks, we've learned of four more teenagers who were being bullied and took their own lives: Cody Barker, age 17, of Shiocton, Wisconsin; Asher Brown, age 13, of Houston, Texas; Seth Walsh, age 13, of Tehachapi, California; and Tyler Clementi, the 18-year-old Rutgers student who jumped off the George Washington Bridge. Their deaths come after the suicides of Justin Aaberg, age 15, of Anoka, Minnesota, and Billy Lucas, age 15, of Greensburg, Indiana.

Hundreds of LGBT people all over the world have uploaded videos to the It Gets Better Project's YouTube channel in an effort to bring hope to kids who are being bullied because they're gay or perceived to be gay. People are sharing their stories and letting these kids know that it gets better. By the time you read this, the videos at the IGBP will have been viewed, collectively, more than a million times. Go to to see the videos or to upload one of your own.

Four years is a long time to wait, ACM—what about making things better right now? Gay, lesbian, bi, and trans activists, inspired by the IGBP, have launched the Make It Better Project. Events are planned for all over the country between now and October 11, which is National Coming Out Day, to raise awareness of the problem and to push for legislative action now, like the immediate passage of the Safe Schools Improvement Act and the Student Non-Discrimination Act. You can learn more about events in your community—and how you can help to make it better now—at

Send letters to mail@savagelovenet. Download the Savage Lovecast every Tuesday at

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