QI'm a 67-year-old woman, almost 68, who's been married four times—once widowed (with three kids in their 40s who've turned out pretty well), divorced three times. I recently met someone online: he's 48, a wealthy, educated man with two boys, 12 and 14. He lives the cuckoldt lifestyle and is looking for a woman to marry who would participate in and enjoy this with him. He says he "craves and needs" this lifestyle, and from what he's said so far, his boys have been trained from an early age also to live this lifestyle and would require that the woman he marries include them in all ways.
I've done some research and think I could be quite happy being a dominant. However, my concern is that he wants me to be sexual with the boys. He says that at home they practice familial nudity. He also wants me to take each one to a hotel on their respective birthdays (he doesn't say at what age) and take their virginities. He has also suggested that, once we are living together, if I wake up horny I should go to one of the boys' rooms and "grind my cunt into his face and fuck the boy." I think this is excessive and could traumatize the boys. I don't know if this type of extreme behavior is just fantasy for him or if he's serious.
If I like this man after meeting him, I'd consider this lifestyle, but with boundaries where the boys are concerned. As the dominant, what I say goes, no questions asked (he has agreed to this in a recent IM), but I think we need to find a balance.
I'm interested in your thoughts on all of this. Thank you. —New to Cuckholdting
A What do I think? I think—and hope and pray—that this letter is complete bullshit. And I think I'm gonna go boil my laptop after writing this response. And I think I'm tempted to forward your e-mail on to the police. And I think I would do just that if I wasn't convinced that this man with whom you've been corresponding—assuming you exist, NTC—is just another creepy pervert furiously beating off in front of a computer as he spins out his insanely creepy sexual fantasies for a gullible online audience of one.
But two details lead me to believe that there could actually be a four-times-married, thrice-divorced, once-widowed moral bankrupt out there receiving e-mails and IMs from a man who claims to be into the "cuckoldt lifestyle," "familial nudity," and the sexual abuse of his children: your age and your inability to spell cuckold. If a creep with child-rape fantasies wrote this letter, NTC, you wouldn't be 67 going on 68 with reservations. You'd be 37 at the most with DD breasts, and you would've spelled cuckold correctly. (Unless—sigh—the creep was into intergenerational sex and lousy spellers on top of everything else.)
Now: if this man and his children exist, NTC, he's abusing them and they should be removed from his home immediately. He's scum, NTC, as is any woman who would for a moment contemplate shacking up with him. Because, again, what your interwebs friend describes is not the "cuckold lifestyle." It's the rape and systematic sexual abuse of children. A man who is into cuckolding gets off on his wife having consensual sex with other adult men, not his children; a woman into cuckolding gets off on "cheating" on her husband with other adult men, not her minor stepchildren.
Once again for the record: I don't think this guy is for real or that these kids exist. Interacting with someone on the Web who believes he's telling the truth—someone who believes he's wealthy, educated, and has two boys at home anxious to be sexually abused by a woman old enough to be their grandmother—turns him on. And so he lurks online until he lands someone gullible and morally bereft enough to buy in.
OK! Let's end with a note about standards and practices here at Savage Love. I typically change identifying details in a letter—exact ages, number of divorces, number of children—lest someone inadvertently out themselves to their family and friends. I haven't done this in NTC's case, because I'm praying that if NTC exists, one of her children will this letter and recognize dear ol' mom. And if her kids are reading: Hey, guys, it's time to take mom's cars keys, credit cards, and computer away. Dementia has set in, or maybe mom's been demented all along. Either way, she's a danger to herself and others, and you might want to stage an intervention before the criminal justice system does.
Q I'm in desperate need. I've been dating a guy for two years. We're both 25, and we love each other a lot. He's sexy as hell (half Asian, quarter Native American, quarter black—he's divine), we connect, he's funny, upbeat, and honest. Unfortunately, we have a recurring fight (once or twice a month), and I wonder if we will ever resolve this issue. He likes the attention of other women. The fight goes like this: he'll do something borderline inappropriate with some chick right in front of me (most recently, he had 30 consecutive drunk-posts on Facebook with some 19-year-old he met through his roommate), and I'll get pissed and hurt. I approach him calmly and say that it feels disrespectful and I hope that one day we will come to an agreement on this issue. He swears that it's all in my head and that I work myself up over nothing. But he knows it hurts my feelings, and my hurt's made worse because he's disregarding them. He usually gets mad, says he "didn't do anything wrong" and he "can't talk to me anymore," and then I won't hear from him for a day or so.
I have friends telling me that this is a deal breaker and that I'm being emotionally abused. I don't know if I believe that—I think he just needs to work on boundaries. I just had a "come to Jesus" talk with the boy, and he still feels like he didn't cross any lines and refuses to apologize. But to make me feel guilty, he said he will "never post anything on another girl's Facebook page ever again." That's not what I wanted. Now my face hurts from crying, and I want someone sane to tell me which way is up. Whose side are you on? I would actually be happier if you told me that I was crazy and controlling, because altering my own attitude is a lot easier than trying to get through to him.
Pleeeeeease help. —Hurting in Oregon
A Ah . . . a nice, normal problem to cleanse the palate after the shit sandwich that opens the column this week.
I'm not on anyone's side in this dispute, HIO. You sound like an insecure, passive-aggressive guilt tripper, and the boyfriend sounds like an inconsiderate flirt. You've been having the same fight twice a month for two years. Enough already. If the sex, the connection, and his race-based divinity don't compensate for the flirting, end this relationship. If they do, HIO, stay with him—but only if you can stop policing his interactions with other women and stop bitching about the flirting to him, to your friends, and to me.