Savage Love, September 3, 2009 | Savage Love | Chicago Reader

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Savage Love, September 3, 2009

The lemon law of relationships and more


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Q I love my boyfriend of three years, but I fucked up. We've had our ups and downs—he broke up with me for two months last summer because he said he was "young and needs to feel free"—but we've always worked through things. He is supersupportive of me, and we've both really grown a lot as people together. But despite the affection and love, I just don't feel wanted. I don't feel like he wants to fuck my brains out like he used to. In fact, he rarely does, even when I try to initiate sex. Over the last six months I've struggled with depression and not feeling sexy, and not feeling wanted is making both things worse. Last year we talked about opening up our relationship, but I wasn't really comfortable with it.

Long story short, I went to visit a friend in another city who lives practically next door to a former fling of mine from four years ago, and I ended up fooling around with the former fling. It wasn't full sex, but it was highly inappropriate. And yet . . . it felt so good to be wanted so badly.

I feel like a terrible person for so many reasons. I told my boyfriend—he didn't respond emotionally, and after 45 minutes he got up and left and said he'd call me when he knew how he felt. I want him to forgive me, but I have a feeling he can't. I don't want to cause him any more pain than I already have, but I have no idea how to do that. Do I give him space? Do I go on with my life? —Self-Loathing Unfaithful Tramp

A Go on with your life, SLUT.

It seems to me that the boyfriend was causing you a great deal of pain before you caused him pain. He has essentially rejected you again and again—the time he broke things off so he could "feel free" (what are you, a cage?) and the many times he's rejected you sexually and made you feel unwanted. Your sexual and emotional needs weren't being met, and you succumbed to the attentions of a man who made you feel wanted. And that was unfortunate, SLUT, but it wasn't entirely your fault. If the boyfriend wasn't sending you the mother of all mixed signals—doesn't want to leave you, doesn't want to fuck you—you'd have been either single and free to fool around on that trip or not at all interested in fooling around because you were getting what you needed at home.

So feel a little bad about what you did—you were technically involved with someone else when you messed around with that former fling—but don't feel too bad. This relationship needed to end; it wasn't making either of you happy. Think of it this way: you slammed your car into a brick wall and totaled the thing. But it was a lemon, SLUT, and now you're free to get yourself a new ride.

Q I've been considering becoming a woman. But the straight women I've talked to about this are very reluctant to assist me in my transition from being male to being female. I am wondering if you think that lesbians might be more open-minded in assisting me in my transition. —Gender Identity Readjustment Looming

A You're considering becoming a woman—that's wonderful, GIRL, very interesting, very compelling stuff, always a special time in a man's life. But it's not like you're rushing a sorority. Current members—the straight women you've approached, the lesbians you're thinking about approaching—are not obligated to answer your questions, offer you assistance, host a tea, or take even the slightest interest in your transition. Find a support group for MTFs, GIRL, and you'll find plenty of women—longtime members and new pledges—interested in hearing about your journey. But leave the women you meet in the normal course of your life—straight women and lesbians who are not your friends—alone.

Q There have to be people out there, walking among us, who enjoy having sex with those stretched earlobe holes, right? The first cook to be kicked off the new season of Top Chef had her lobes stretched around what looked like rims from P. Diddy's ride. I'm writing for confirmation that this "community" exists. —Happy With Seven Holes

As a general rule, HWSH, if it can be fucked, someone out there somewhere is fucking it, has fucked it, is about to fuck it, and has already posted videos of them fucking it on XTube. Not every hole gets a "community," HWSH, but every hole gets its fair share.

Q My hubby wants to do anal for my first time, him fucking me, and that's fine—but I'm only going to let him do it after he eats his own goo! Standoff! We've been married 17 years, and I think it would be hot! He thinks not! I say fair trade! I go down on him after he puts it in me sometimes, so I know how I taste! Am I the only woman who has ever asked her husband to eat his goo?!?

He's willing, finally, because he really, really wants to get into my ass. But was it wrong for me to ask? Am I a freak?!? I've asked around, and all my girls think I'm crazy and that it's a bad sign about our relationship! But we've got two great kids and we love each other and we have a really happy life! I just want to see my hubby eat his goo! My girls tell me I must be trying to make him gay! Nope! I just figured if he gets something he wants, I get something I want! Am I a freak?!? Please help!!! Tell me I'm not a freak! Tell me others write about this!

You are respected in our household, and my husband will hear your answer because I intend to read it to him!!!Great Oozing Orgasms

A You are a freak, GOO—not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. As for the particulars . . .

You made granting your consent to fulfill his fantasy contingent upon his consenting to fulfill yours. That was manipulative and unfair of you, GOO, but it was also pretty freaking hot, just the kind of good-natured, give-and-take-no-prisoners power play that keeps the sex interesting after 17 years of marriage. And I don't just say that as a fan of goo-eating generally—you might have gotten a "yes" quicker if you didn't insist on calling it "goo"—but as a fan of sexual adventures and pushing boundaries.

You set a bar for the husband to clear, GOO, but you didn't set it too high or impossibly high. You weren't asking him to let you fuck his ass first, fair but more challenging, or to swallow some other dude's load, unfair and extremely challenging. You didn't ask him to do something he absolutely, positively couldn't do, and you didn't ask him to do something you haven't done yourself (swallow his loads, taste your own juices).

Finally, there's nothing gay about a guy eating his own come—unless, of course, he's eating it off some other guy.

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