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Hey, Faggot:

I've been using one of those shower anal douches for about a year now and I've always wondered if there are any long-term side effects I should be aware of. Is using the douche once or twice a week too often? Am I washing away good bacteria? How do the prostate and colon fare during all this washing? --An Ass You Could Eat Dinner On


Anal douching--giving yourself enemas--once or twice a week poses no long- or short-term health risks, so long as you're using lukewarm tap water and avoiding those nasty chemical douches sold in drugstores. As for your prostate: the water doesn't actually wash over your prostate, as your prostate is tucked safely behind the walls of the rectum. Giving yourself an enema--or having a friend give you an enema--places pressure on the prostate, which some people find pleasurable, but doesn't "wash" it. As for your colon, any poop or mucus you manage to flush out will be replaced in pretty short order--your body just keeps making more. So, not to worry.

The only risk you're running, actually, is the means to your end: specifically, that shower-attachment anal doucher. You need to be very careful about the amount of water pressure you're putting on your guts; you don't wanna burst 'em. While those cyborg-douche shower attachments look dramatic, they're not the safest way to get water up your butt. Low-tech enema bags are easier to control, and you're not going to bump the faucet and increase the pressure accidentally.

Hey, Faggot:

One of my fetishes is to have my boyfriend piss up my butt. He's resistant, thinking it's most unsanitary. Aside from the obvious exposure to STDs, is there any other reason I shouldn't let him piss up my ass? --Fixated on Piss

Hey, FIP:

Here's what my old pal, Dr. Barak Gaster, had to say: "Yuck." After assuring him that entertaining your question isn't the same thing as endorsing your interests--don't I know it--he went on to say this: "Well, um...urine is pretty sterile. Unless someone has a urinary-tract infection, there is almost never bacteria in urine. There is a question of whether the waste products, such as urea, would irritate the rectal mucosa. But other than that, it's probably no big deal. It's not a 'safe sex' practice: the HIV load in urine is pretty low, but the virus is present [in the urine of HIV-infected persons]. Unfortunately, there's probably no randomized control trial on this subject."

I asked the doc if your lover's urine passing through the walls of your colon and into your bloodstream was at all problematic: "It's the same stuff your kidneys are filtering out of your blood--there really is nothing terrible in it. No problem, really." So, it's like this: as long as your partner doesn't have a urinary-tract infection, is not HIV-positive, and is not suffering from any other STDs, his peeing in your butt is apparently pretty harmless. Gross, but harmless.

Hey, Faggot:

I'm a 26-year-old woman. My 28-year-old boyfriend and I have great sex, but the actual intercourse part of it never lasts more than a few minutes (premature ejaculation). Is there anything you or your readers can suggest he/I/we can do to prolong our encounters? Low maintenance, please.

We don't wanna have to work during sex.--Wait!

Hey, W:

A sex therapist could probably help, but that would be "high maintenance." So here's a low-maintenance suggestion that worked for a long-ago, far-away boyfriend of mine. He, like your boyfriend, came too quickly. But if we kept on screwing around after his first orgasm, he got hard again in anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes. That second erection would last and last--he almost never came too quickly the second time around. In fact, sometimes it took forever. Give it a try: bring him to a little preliminary orgasm, without much buildup, and then just keep rolling around till he's back in form. If that don't work, you may need to seek out a high-maintenance solution. Good luck.

Hey, Faggot:

I have a question about Jane Austen and gay sex. According to a friend, there is a connection. He said that among gay men, a book by Austen placed prominently by the bed is a signal that the book's owner is willing to be, if you will, the penetrate; no such novel by the bedside and he prefers to be the penetrator. Was my friend full of it, or is this literary signal game a part of real life? --Curious

Hey, Curious:

I'm certain your letter is bullshit, as no one could be so stoopid as to believe that gay men who wanna get fucked leave Austen lying around the house instead of just screaming "Fuck me!" at their one-night stands. But I printed your letter so I could mention the titles I actually have on my nightstand at the moment, Pride and Prejudice not among them: Virtual Equality: The Mainstreaming of Gay and Lesbian Liberation, by Urvashi Vaid (note to the New York Times Book Review: Bruce Bawer isn't fit to eat the corn out of Urvashi Vaid's shit, let alone review her book. And as Vaid is highly critical of Bawer in Virtual Equality, why on earth was he given the assignment? His entirely off-the-mark "review" was score settling, gussied up as criticism. NYT, you should be ashamed of yourself. And Bruce: don't you think the sight of you walking around with your head stuck up your ass has to be at least as alarming to straight people as the sight of leather and drag queens strolling up the street on Queer Pride Day? Just a thought...); Thinking About Longstanding Problems of Virtue and Happiness, by Tony Kushner; and Denying the Holocaust: The Growing Assault on Memory and Truth, by Deborah Lipstadt. All three books I recommend highly, and all would make excellent gifts.

Hey, Faggot:

Please don't tell people to use Kwell!

It says right on the label "May cause nervous system damage." It is nasty stuff. Elimite, also by prescription, is much safer and at least as effective as Kwell, if not better. For scabies it is often the only drug that works.

Please tell your readers about this, as some doctors still push the Kwell--they may not even be familiar with Elimite. --Eric

Confidential to Scott V.:

When I was little, my brother Eddie would answer my questions about sex. Once, I asked him what a blow job was, and he told me, "It's when a man opens up a woman's vagina and blows into it." I believed that until I was, I think, 26 years old. Did I neglect to mention that my brother Eddie is straight? Well, he is. So, I won't be fixing you two up. Thanks for inquiring.

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