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Savage Love


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Hey, Faggot:

I'm a gay male in my mid-20s involved with a handsome, blond, sweet, generous guy also in his mid-20s. We've been dating for a few months and we are very much in love. There is only one problem: no matter where we go or who we're with, there's always someone staring in his face (cruising) and I am sick of it!

Now, I realize we are both young and attractive, but I find it to be very disrespectful: it would take a complete idiot to not know that we are a couple. What infuriates me more is that he usually stares right back, and although he tells me he loves me very much and not to worry, I can't help but get pissed.

Before we started going out, I used to love going to bars and cafes in the city, but now I spend the entire time feeling like a watchdog! If they aren't in his face, they're in mine! Am I being ridiculous? Or are all gays in the city such low-life, sleazy sex hounds? --Fed Up!

Hey, FU:

I have this sneaking feeling that it's not other guys checking out your boyfriend that bothers you, but your boyfriend's habit of checkin' back. Your boyfriend cruising other guys when he's with you, as opposed to "having a look," is a very bad sign. But you, since this relationship is new and you want it to work out, blame every gay man in the city for your boyfriend's wandering eye, which is dumb, dumb, stupid, dumb.

As for the guys checking your boyfriend out: guys who see you two out together have no way of knowing, unless you're snuggly cuddly dopes, that you're together. If a man and a woman are out on the town, it's safe to assume that they're together together. Men and women very rarely socialize in pairs. But two guys in a gay bar? Friends or boyfriends? Who knows? Your relationship may seem obvious to you, but to an impartial, horny, optimistic observer you guys could very well be just pals--and there's only one way to find out for sure. In 10 or 15 years--should this relationship last that long, and I have my doubts (see below)--you and your boyfriend will reminisce about the good ol' days when you couldn't walk into a bar without getting eye-fucked by every guy in the place.

Now, here's a little extra advice. After three months you and the blond are very much dating, very much crushed, very much fond of each other, but not "very much in love." Not yet. The world tells gay men that our love isn't real and that our relationships aren't meaningful, and in a misguided effort to disprove this, immature gay men (the young or the just out) overcompensate: "We are in love, dammit, this relationship is real. Look! He bought me this ring for our...three- month anniversary." Oy. We rush into commitments to prove to ourselves that our commitments mean something. But commitments rushed into are not commitments that last. So a string of "true loves" keeps coming to shit after five months and we begin to believe that, just like we were told as children, gay love isn't real or deep or meaningful, and we turn into bitter, vindictive old queens. Don't make this mistake! Go easy: love takes time. You like this guy, he could be the one, or the next one might be the one. Or the one after that. Good luck.

Hey, Faggot:

As a 16-year-old queer boy living in a small town, I am very comfortable with my sexuality. I have no guilt about my gayness, am out to friends, and lead a healthy fantasy life. There is one problem: how do I hook up? I can't find a guy. There seems to be zero guys out there looking for the same thing I am. School is full of fag-hating jocks and mousy computer geeks. I've tried to find groups, clubs, etc for meeting guys my age, but there aren't any in my area.

This sounds like My So-Called Life, but this isn't about sex: I'll settle for someone to talk to. While I am by no means Brad Pitt or Albert Einstein, I am far from being ugly or stupid, and I dress really good. Tell me where to start. --No Cute Name

Hey, NCN:

I'll betcha some of those "fag-hating jocks" at your high school are as queer as you are, but it may be years before they scrape up the courage to come out. And that's your problem: most gay guys your age aren't out yet. There may be older guys interested in "mentoring" you sexually--probably at a truck stop near your small town--but they're a bad risk. Many gay men's first sexual experiences are with older men, and while lotsa guys regard these experiences positively, many do not. Unfortunately, there's no rule of thumb I can give you to help tell the difference between an older guy with your best interests at heart and a guy only interested in taking advantage of your youth and inexperience.

So kids your own age are closeted and older guys are a bad risk--what do you do? You wait. Get your ass out of high school, go to a big state university somewhere in a city with a large gay community, and you'll be beating the Brad Pitts and Albert Einsteins off with a stick. If a horny jock should come out to you in a moment of drunken abandon, go for it. But don't count on it. And in the meantime, masturbate a lot.

Hey, Faggot:

I am a 25-year-old fellow faggot in need of advice. For the last month I've been going to the same coffee shop. One of the employees is a blond man with a very long braided tail (at least 10 inches) who has been oblivious to my trying to get his attention. Since I don't know his name, I can't think of any way to approach him. I don't even know if he has a boyfriend. I just want to get to know him, but he's so busy at work that it's impossible to talk to him. Can you give me any suggestions, besides stalking, that might help open a conversation? --Weekend Caffeine High

Hey, WCH:

If he reads the paper, he'll doubtless recognize his description: how many blond guys with 10-inch tails pull espresso in your area? A few days after the paper comes out, walk up to him and say, "I wrote that letter about you. Howzabout a date?" I'm guessing he'll say yes, or maybe no. Good luck.

PS: It's been my experience that folks who don't know we're alive, or who are "oblivious" to us, are not all that oblivious--they're just not interested. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't ask him out. He could be shy.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.

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