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Savage Love

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Hey, Faggot:

The other night I was out on the town and got lucky. We went back to her place and fucked all night long. Everything was fine until the early morning--while she was in the shower I was suddenly struck with what I thought was a very bad case of flatulence. Unfortunately, I didn't just fart but shat the bed with a really nasty yellow shit, which I blame on some saffron from the night before.

I panicked, grabbed my clothes, and bolted. I was putting my pants on when I realized this was the wrong thing to do. But the door had already clicked shut and I couldn't bring myself to knock on the door and explain myself. What should I do? I really like this person, and I know I left her with the wrong impression. Help me!

--Incontinence Incarnate

Hey, II:

Unless very specifically requested, "shitting" the bed of a new sex partner is considered rude. Bad form. Out of bounds. Reproachable. My mother told me, "Danny, don't make dookie in someone else's bed, not even accidental dookies, if you hope to be invited back someday." At the time she imparted this wisdom, mom was speaking of childhood slumber parties, not all-night saffron-scented fuckfests, but the lesson still applies.

Doubtless you left the little lady with not merely "the wrong impression," but a lasting one as well: she thinks you're an ill-mannered scat freak with little regard for her feelings and less still for her bed linens. That sort of impression, once formed, is hard to dispel. This relationship is beyond saving. Chalk it up to experience, and the next time you need to let one rip in a stranger's bed, squat over a houseplant or slip on a pair of Depends.

Hey, Faggot:

I am a 28-year-old female. I work out five days a week, and it shows. My body is tight, firm, and hard. I've been with my boyfriend for about five years, and the sex is great, but I recently met a new man at the gym, whom I went to bed with--and he ate my ass! It felt so good that I saw him again, and he ate my ass all night long. I came seven times, but now I'm feeling guilty because I still love my boyfriend, but he would never eat my ass out! Is there something wrong with me liking my ass eaten out? Please help, I'm going crazy! --Love My Ass Eaten Out

Hey, LMAEO:

There's nothing wrong with having your ass eaten out--it's your exercise regimen that has me concerned. A recent article in the arts and leisure section of the New York Times detailed just how important it is for heavy exercisers, hardbodies like yourself, to get at least 24 hours of physical rest between training sessions. Five days a week at the gym is too much exercise! Your body needs time off, and you'll get better results from your workouts if you allow your body to recover between sessions. Cut back to three days a week, four tops. You'll feel better, avoid strain, and have more time to get your ass eaten out.

Hey, Faggot:

How safe is anal sex? Besides sexually transmitted diseases, are there any health hazards or problems that can occur?

--Virgin From Behind

Hey, VFB:

You have to be very careful when you have anal sex, because if you do it wrong, your head will explode. Pow! Just like that. Incidentally, that's what really killed Vince Foster.

Hey, Faggot:

Could you address the subject of brother-sister incest in one of your columns? I have a gut feeling it is quite widespread. But figures to verify that are very hard to come by. Perhaps your position and expertise could shed some light on this question. --An Interested Reader

Hey, AIR:

My experiences with brother-sister incest? I haven't had any to speak of, grasshopper. But I do have two older brothers and one sister, all straight--maybe they have some "expertise" in this area. So I called them to ask. Laura: "Nope, never had any. Never thought of having sex with my brothers. Ew! That's sick. Their friends maybe, but not my brothers." Eddie: "No, never thought about it, don't want to think about it. Couple of cousins maybe, but not my siblings." Billy: "That is the single most disgusting idea I've ever heard in my entire life, without exception. Blech. But, of course, none of us liked each other as children. If we'd liked each other, God only knows what might have happened."

Hey, Faggot:

I guess I'm what you'd call a "straight" male. When I see beautiful single girls walking down Michigan Avenue, I have a desire to kiss them gently, suckle their warm fleshy breasts, finger their tight wet pussies, and slam my member inside them! Is this normal? If so, how come I have no desire to suck cock and get fucked in the ass like you? Just wondering. --GismMeister

Hey, GM:

You guessed wrong--you're what I'd call an asshole.

Hey, Faggot:

From the bottom to the top of my heart, I truly adore your style of writing advice columns. Man, you are all that and then some. I'm not stroking your ego either because I want something from you. This compliment is sincere. Never give people sympathy when they come to your door with sad, sad songs! I like that! No, I love that!

Hopefully, my story does not seem to be sad. My "problem" is that I am incarcerated, and although I've recently placed a personal ad, I can't find someone who'll accept my imprisonment. I didn't get a response at all! Can you give me a list of publications that I can purchase (or whatever!) where I can place an ad in for a man who is bisexual? Heterosexual? Homosexual? Thank you for your advice column and your help in search of love. --Lonely in Prison

Hey, LIP:

Here's something I've never understood about prisoner-seeking-boyfriend ads: If you're in prison, how come you need to go looking for boyfriends on the outside? Judging from personal ads, American prisons are stuffed to the rafters with convicts wanting boyfriends. Date "in-house" and you'll probably have better luck finding a bisexual/heterosexual/homosexual man who understands your situation. Your imprisonment would be a total nonissue if your boyfriend was in prison too. Of course, there's always the danger of falling for a lifer, only to be cruelly separated come parole. But you could reoffend or start a riot (or whatever!) and stay inside, if he meant all that much to you.

Sadly, your ad didn't get much of a response cuz personal ads from homo convicts ("22-year-old blond hair/blue-eyed prisoner seeks well-off, middle-aged, desperately lonely man, who, like me, needs some lovin'") have about as much credibility in the gay community as, well, Log Cabin fags--which is to say, none. Unfortunately for sincere little you, prisoners have been pulling "personals" scams for years--taking advantage, breaking hearts--and the conventional wisdom these days is that ads from prisoners are risky, dangerous bullshit. Bisexuals, in or out of prison, have pretty much the same credibility problem when they place personal ads. Them's the breaks. If you're serious about wanting a boyfriend "on the outside," wait till you get out to start looking for one.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.

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