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Hey, Faggot:

I do not know if my situation is unique, but I love fat women--over 300 pounds. Most of the ladies I have dated or tried to date think that I am hard up for sex, or that all I want is sex and nothing more. No matter how much I tell a woman, or show a woman, that I want to have a relationship and really care for and truly love her, she does not seem to believe me.

I have tried flowers, candy, romantic getaways, etc, to show that I am not just after sex. I want a girlfriend/wife/significant other that is a large lady. If all I wanted was sex I would go to a prostitute or a massage parlor and get some that way. But don't get me wrong: I love sex and it has always been great with the women I've dated. How can I convince these bigger ladies that there are men like myself that would rather be with them than with no-meat-on-their-bones model types. To me bigger is sexier. My last girlfriend was about 350 pounds and very sexy when she wanted to be, not to mention great in bed.

--Fat Lover

Hey, FL:

While some fat women are happy being heavy, many, many more are not. Being approached by a guy who's into you for being fat, a guy attracted to the very thing you've been made to feel unattractive about, can be very traumatic. Fat people suffer for being fat--they're ridiculed and made to feel grotesque and unlovable. Then you come along, FL, panting after some woman's flab, and she has to confront what are probably some extremely painful body-image issues--because this weirdo fat-fetishist is lusting after her. Can you understand how that would make an insecure fat chick uncomfortable? Gun-shy? Distrustful?

But your biggest problem, judging by your letter, is your approach. It sounds like you're constantly reassuring the women you date that you like their bodies. Repeatedly bringing up your date's size, even to reassure her, will probably give her the not-all-that-inaccurate impression that you're only interested in her for her body. Not even skinny li'l women like feeling that guys are only interested in their bods. We all assume that people who ask us out are physically attracted to us on some level, and the fat women you ask out are quite capable of making that same assumption. If you refrain from reassuring them so much, and stop drawing attention to your "fetish," you might have better luck.

Hey, Faggot:

I'm a 28-year-old BGF who is in love with a woman that I just adore. This woman I'm in love with had a lover. We were together for one year while she was still with her lover of four years. They aren't together anymore, but at the same time she broke up with her lover, she stopped seeing me also. Our times together were nothing but beautiful. We shared everything together, even saying we were going to run away together, and never hurt each other. I just don't understand what went wrong. One minute we were like peas and carrots, and the next thing I know she's claiming she wants to cool out, which I could understand.

But now she is dating someone else, and she doesn't hardly ever call me or see me anymore. Once upon a time, I was all good on the side, but now she doesn't want to be bothered. She says she still loves me, and misses being with me, but she never follows through when I try to make time to spend with her. I'm just an emotional wreck. I love her with all my heart, and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her. Please give me some good advice. I'm hurting.

--JC

Hey, JC:

The best advice I can give you is to know when you've been dumped--and you've been dumped, girlfriend. She either didn't mean the things she told you when you were seeing her, or her feelings about you have changed. Either way, she's moved on, and you need to move on too. And you know what? Not spending time with you, not calling, behaving as if she can't be "bothered," these are the nicest things she could possibly do for you. The more distance between you, the sooner you're going to get over her. The sooner you get over her, the sooner you'll meet someone else. Indulging you would just prolong your agony.

Hey, Faggot:

I have been seeing a guy for two months. We both work in the same company, but different departments--it's totally safe. His situation: He's separated, divorce papers are in process, it might be ugly. He works a billion hours a week and has to move in December. All of this is creating a bit of stress on his part, I'm sure. I am over at his place a minimum of three nights a week, hang out with his friends; we have a wonderful time together, have amazing sex together, but he doesn't consider me his girlfriend since, as he put it, "it's too heavy a label" for him right now. I know it's only been a couple of months, but I've fallen for him, and even though I don't want to rush things, I feel the title of "girlfriend" is not a heavy label, and at this point is an earned one. Is this a lack of commitment on his part--even though it was his idea to have a monogamous relationship--or am I just being weird and old-fashioned?

--Boyfriendless

Hey, B:

As he's in the middle of a divorce, maybe you can be the grown-up and cut him a little semantic slack. For all practical purposes, you are his girlfriend--sleeping over, hanging out, having sex--and if you don't make an enormo deal of it, he'll probably come 'round eventually and start using the word. But for the time being, "girlfriend"--not a heavy label as far as you're concerned--is a heavy label so far as he's concerned. Let it go.

But if it's really all that friggin' important to you to be called "girlfriend," important enough that you're willing to force the issue and, perhaps, lose this guy, you do have some leverage. Tell him you don't make monogamous commitments to guys with whom you don't have--at the very least--a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. And limit your sleepovers to once a week. If a casual arrangement is really what Mr. Label-shy wants, then that's all you should give him. If he wants more, tell him he needs to give more.

Hey, Faggot:

I've met and had sex with some of the hottest men in bathhouses. I've sexed up some really hot Greek god/model types. I'm not a Greek god/model type, by any means. I'm an attractive man who is looking for more than fleeting moments of anonymous sex. How do I get these men's attention outside the bathhouse?

--Mark

Hey, M:

How do you get a man's attention inside a bathhouse? You approach him. Same goes for outside. You may need to substitute "Can I buy you a beer?" for "Can I suck your dick?" but otherwise it's the exact same dynamic.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.

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