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Hey, Faggot:

I'm an avid adult-video watcher. I would like to know if the dicks in some of the pornos are real--the ones that are about 15 to 20 inches long. If not, how do they make them look so real? --Puzzled

Hey, P:

On your behalf, I spoke with Robert H. Kirsch, proprietor of Titan Media, a porn company based, as most are, in the godless state of California. "Have you ever seen a penis over nine inches long?" Robert asked. Before I could say, "Not since the last time I took a piss," Robert continued, "I've only seen one real ten-incher, and boy did I get nervous!" According to him, 20-inch cocks simply do not exist. "But they are great fantasy material, so if you believe in the Easter bunny and the tooth fairy, feel free to believe in 20 inches." And those megacocks in some porn videos? "The cocks he's seen are prosthetic and were made by the great mold maker who did Edward Penishands," a modern porn classic on a par with Foreskin Gump, Hannah Does Her Sisters, and White Men Can Hump. "The mold guy is a genius. For pure shock value, his stuff can't be beat."

Hey, Faggot:

What are your thoughts on a married man who decides he no longer wants to wear traditional men's underwear and wants to wear women's underwear instead? My husband says he is tired of wearing plain white cotton briefs. He says it's no big deal because he is only interested in the fit and feel of women's underwear and nothing else. My husband is 44 years old, in good health, and a totally "normal" male. We have three kids and a good, active sex life. He showed me a sample of what he had in mind and they were OK, I guess. Soft, nice fabric just like he said he wanted. No frills or lace, but definitely a woman's panty. Should I accept this "change" and not worry about it? Is he telling me the whole story?

--Just Wondering

Hey, JW:

Yes, you should accept this change, and no, you shouldn't worry about it. Is he telling you the whole story? No, he's not. But do you want to hear the whole story? If yes, it goes something like this: wearing women's panties makes your husband's dick hard. There. Now you know--but does knowing change anything?

Hey, Faggot:

Being married to an absolutely gorgeous registered nurse has its advantages. For instance, she has me drink her piss once a month to prove my undying devotion to her. She says it has no deleterious effect on my person. Is she right?

--Concerned Devotee

Hey, CD:

If drinking piss is an advantage to being married to an RN, I don't wanna see a video of the disadvantages. But I'm not here to judge: drinking piss, as advantages or disadvantages go, is pretty harmless, presenting minimal health risks provided your wife has no STDs or piss-impacting urinary tract infections. For clear, sweet-smelling piss--so refreshing!--your wife should ingest a lot of asparagus, kelp, alcohol, and coffee, and avoid drinking water. Prost!

Hey, Faggot:

I'm a 29-year-old African-American male. I've never had a girlfriend because girls don't give me the time of day. I want to meet a girl to worship her feet. I have a foot fetish and I love feet! I want to meet a white or Asian girl because they have the best-looking feet: the size, the odor, and the way their soles look. The only way I get near women's feet is to go to sexual bordellos. I go about three times a year, but they cost too much. I tried looking for a woman who wants her feet worshiped in Leg Show and Leg Tease magazines, but there are no women in my area with ads in those magazines. Can you suggest something I can do to meet women who not only want their feet worshiped but are also interested in developing a friendship with me and discussing their feet?

--Foot Lover

Hey, FL:

If the vibes you emit in person are similar to the vibes you emit via the U.S. mail, the reason you can't find a girlfriend is that you come across like some creepy, droolin' pervert. There isn't anything inherently creepy about being a foot fetishist, of course. Foot fetishism has a long, proud history, and some of the nicest guys around are into feet. But as with anything, there's a right and wrong way to be a foot fetishist, and you're going about it the wrong way. By mentioning your obsession early and often you're scaring the women away.

Very few women have foot fetishes, so if you limit yourself to dating women who share your passion you've effectively shrunk the pool of women you can draw potential partners from. So cultivate a few interests besides feet. A woman who may enjoy having her feet worshiped is probably not gonna be "interested in developing a friendship" based solely on her feet or on discussions of women's feet in general. Women, like men, want sex partners who have varied interests, sexually and socially. If all you think about is feet, well, most sane people--even other foot fetishists--will think you're kinda creepy.

So don't go looking for a woman as into feet as you are. Instead, go find a woman who's into you. Date her, go see some non-foot-related movies, discuss things other than feet, and develop a friendship based on something other than feet. If she eventually agrees to go to bed with you--and that's a pretty big if at this point--go ahead and worship her feet. If she asks you what you're doing, just look up and say, "I've always had a thing for beautiful feet." That's it, that's all the explaining you need to do and all the discussing you need ever have with her about feet. She may discover that she likes having her feet worshiped, and then you're home free! If she doesn't like it, start the process all over again with another woman. Eventually, you'll find yourself at the feet of a woman who likes you and enjoys having her feet worshiped.

Hey, Faggot:

A while back I read about some porn videos that featured scenes of heterosexual tickling. I'm not comfortable spending time in an adult-video store reading hundreds of titles hoping they'll clue me in to the subject matter. And no, I can't bring myself to ask the counter person for help. So please provide me with any information you can get on video titles or producers that specialize in tickling.

--NN

Hey, NN:

California Star/Wes-Tel International has a series of breeder tickling videos called "Tied and Tickled." There are more than 30 volumes in CS/WTI's tickling series, and you can order as many volumes as you like by calling 800-551-4873. If you don't like your tickling mixed with bondage, try Tickling Up a Storm and Tickles for Tasks, both from Harmony Plus at 800-470-5456. You can also receive a boxed set of selected straight tickling-fetish videos free of charge by calling 703-739-5000 and making a pledge of $200 or more to your local public television station. Request the tickle premium when making your pledge.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.

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