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Hey, Faggot:

A group of friends and I were having a raunchy night out at the Powerhouse in San Francisco. We noticed several blow-up dolls hanging from the rafters over the dance floor. A girlfriend and I yanked two down, deflated them, and snuck them out under our jackets. My friend was careless and lost her blow-up African-American "friend" before we reached home base, but I made it safely home with my blow-up Caucasian male, "Dolly."

My roommates and I have many laughs over our new pal. He has a plastic-mask face with a mouth circled "O"-so-wide, an inflatable flesh-colored body no taller than five-foot-two, a solid, erect penis made of God knows what, and another gaping hole for rear access.

Out of curiosity, I isopropyled Dolly's mouth and put my flaccid member in the hard plastic opening. As my dick started to grow, it got trapped in Dolly's mouth. The ass entrance was just as tight and shallow. Now, I don't have a huge cock, so my question is: Who buys and fucks these things? Are these suckers simply party jokes or what? I pity the poor souls looking for human contact who have to settle for this poor workmanship.

--I Kidnapped Dolly

Hey, IKD:

To answer your main question--who buys and fucks these things?--I called Sex World, Minneapolis's adult superstore. The nervous male checker couldn't tell me how many blow-up dolls Sex World moves in a day, week, month, or year. Nor could he tell me who buys and fucks these things. All he would tell me was that female blow-up dolls are available on the first floor, and male blow-up dolls are in the gay section on the third floor. (When I asked if straight women ever came in to buy male blow-up dolls, he said, "Not likely.") So who buys the fine inflatable females at Sex World? "Men." What kind of men? "I don't know."

At this point, my unhelpful new friend passed the phone to "someone who could help me." The equally unhelpful Shannon told me, "Guys who buy dolls look like average people." Do they buy them to use for sex or as gag gifts? "Some are probably for bachelor parties, but we don't ask. It's not our business." Do dolls come in different sizes? How much do they cost? "Come down here," Shannon said, making it sound like a threat, "and look for yourself. You can see price tags, how big they are, and who buys them." Then Shannon hung up.

Over at Broadway Book & Video, also in Minneapolis, James was a little more helpful than the folks at Sex World. Inventory practices, however, must be uniformly lax in the sex shop biz: James also had no idea how many blow-up dolls he sells. "They go from $49.95 on up," said James. "And a lot of guys who buy them do use 'em." For sex? "Yeah." No one has ever attempted to return a doll, and James made it clear that no one would be allowed to if he tried.

But if it's workmanship you're looking for, check out Abyss Creations's Web site at www.realdoll.com. Abyss makes and sells dolls. Not blow-up dolls, but solid silicone-rubber dolls cast over a fully articulated skeleton. The "world's finest love dolls" weigh in at 100 pounds and, according to the Web site, "can safely support over 600 pounds." Real Dolls don't come cheap: a standard two-entry version will set you back $4,999, and the deluxe three-entry model is $5,249. Shipping and handling is another $400. But look at what your money buys: a mouth with "soft and stretchy lips, ultra soft tongue, soft silicone teeth, and a hinged jaw," vaginal lips that can be stretched, hand-sewn pubic hair, and breasts you can "press together to form deep cleavage." Real Dolls are shipped wearing a minidress, bra, panties, and thigh-high stockings. According to Abyss's Web site, Real Doll customers include "futurists, artists, art collectors, film-makers, scientists, professionals, housewives...single men, couples seeking to enhance their sex lives, hipsters looking for exotic decorative art." And shock jocks. Howard Stern raved about his Real Doll on his radio show: "The best sex I ever had....Better than a real woman!"

Sadly, Abyss does not make male dolls at this time, but they're working on it--along with a she-male model (they can't decide if the she-male should have a dick or a dick and a pussy). Maybe when they have a male prototype ready, Abyss will ship it to me for a test-drive and post my testimonial on their Web site along with Howard's.

Hey, Faggot:

Last weekend, the three of us drank a few beers and took a hit of X. Two of us got nice and high while the third felt nothing. The two of us who got high hadn't eaten in several hours, while the unhigh one had a piece of cherry pie. Also, the unhigh person takes Prozac. Was it the Prozac or the cherry pie that kept our friend from getting high?

--Marv, Rak, and Slappy J

Hey, MRS:

Before I say anything, let me say this: We here at Savage Labs officially disapprove of the disgusting practice of using illegal drugs. Savage Labs also disapproves of the disgusting practice of wasting perfectly good X on people taking Prozac. Both X (MDMA) and Prozac affect serotonin levels in the brain, serotonin being the neurotransmitter that, to paraphrase James Brown, makes you feel good. Prozac regulates your serotonin levels, making you feel pretty good and relatively happy. X, on the other hand, deregulates your serotonin levels--filling your brain with that sero-magic--and makes you feel GOOD! Prozac trumps X, however, preventing MDMA from working its magic. So if you're taking Prozac, don't take X, as that will be a tragic waste of good--er, I mean, bad--drugs.

Hey, Faggot:

I am a 26-year-old married female. I love my husband dearly but recently started having an affair with an ex-boyfriend. Now I have feelings for this ex-boyfriend and I don't want to give him up. Is it true that you can love two people at the same time? Please tell me what I should do! --Confused

Hey, C:

I assume the boyfriend is aware of the husband. It's only fair then that the husband be made aware of the boyfriend. You could sit both down and sing, "Torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool, loving both of you is breaking all the rules." Or sit your husband down and say, "I've been having an affair with an old boyfriend. I love you and I love him too. I can't choose and would rather not have to. If it's OK with you, let's open up this relationship officially."

It probably won't be OK, though. Even if he were the type who might be open to an open relationship, he's going to feel hurt. Considering the enormity of your betrayal--at least it's considered enormous in hetero circles--he may find it hard to trust you in the future and decide not to have a future with you at all. If that's the case, you can marry that old boyfriend you've been banging--if he's interested in marrying a two-timing slut.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.

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