I am a breeder woman, and I never had anal intercourse until I was with my current lover. While he is gentle, I don't get orgasms from this experience. It was my understanding that anal sex for men is great because it stimulates the prostate gland, but I have never heard of any physical way that a woman could have an orgasm from anal sex.
My French lover seems to think this experience should be as great for me to get as it is for him to give. According to him, women have told him that getting it up the butt gives them better orgasms. But every woman I talk to about it tells me she doesn't like it. Are we all lying to each other? I don't hate it (except when it hurts), but at best, it feels like foreplay to me. Can you tell me about anal sex and women? --Buttin' Out West
I shared your letter and a few others with Dr. Jack Morin, author of the butt-sex bible, Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men and Women. Morin's seminal work on all things butt-riffic has just been rereleased in a revised third edition with tons of new info, pointers, and illustrations detailing how men and women can get the most out of--and the most into--our big fat asses.
"It's true that some women and men are orgasmic with anal stimulation alone, but most are not, or require some direct genital stimulation at the same time." While men have prostate glands, and many men do respond intensely to prostate stimulation, "that's by no means the whole story." Not all men enjoy butt play, prostate or no prostate, and not all men who enjoy butt play are able to come from butt play alone. "In general," observed Dr. Jack, "women may be more orgasmic with anal stimulation than men, because women tend to be a bit more flexible in how they get off, whereas men tend to be genitally focused."
So what does butt sex have to offer women? "Not only is the anus rich with its own nerve endings, but the pelvic muscles are all linked together, which means that anal/rectal stimulation causes indirect stimulation elsewhere. For women, this often includes vaginal contractions and at least some stimulation of the interior portion of the clitoris, the biggest part of the clitoris by far."
That there's an "interior portion" of the clitoris may be news to some readers--including some women--so let's pause for a moment and flesh this out. The clit is not a pimple or a mole on the surface of the skin. The exposed portion of the clit, the glans, is only the tip of the clitoral iceberg. The entire clit includes the glans as well as a clitoral shaft and legs. The whole thing resembles a tuning fork or a wishbone. Some women's interior portions are positioned in such a way that vaginal or anal stimulation alone provides them with enough clitoral stimulation to bring them off. But for most women, additional clit stimulation is needed on the exposed portion--the clitoral glans--for a woman to come.
OK, back to butt fucking. BOW, Dr. Jack thinks you need to tell that frog boyfriend of yours to back the fuck off--though that's not how he put it. "Tell your French lover to quit comparing you with other women; you are, after all, one of a kind, with your own preferences and responses that must be honored," blah blah nice-nice blah. "Who knows, maybe if you can break free of the pressure to come, one day you'll find yourself coming during anal sex. But if anal orgasms aren't in the cards for you, who cares? Even if anal pleasure remains foreplay for you, foreplay can be great."
Recently I saw a video--an extraordinary young man sat on a traffic cone. Skinny twentysomething...traffic cone...his ass...where did it go? OK, I know where it went, but how? How did he get his sphincter to stretch that far? And how does he get it back to normal afterward? Since the cone was in far enough to reach from his asshole to his navel, where did his guts go? Do women do this? Is it erotic? --Amazed
"Putting giant dildos or traffic cones--which I do not recommend--into an anus requires tremendous amounts of muscle relaxation, self-awareness, and practice," said Dr. Jack, "with similar skills required for fisting." Where did that traffic cone go? "When inserting something longer than the rectum [about nine inches], it goes into the colon, requiring even deeper relaxation." Is this erotic? "Some people, including women, report intense sensations from extreme butt play, including feelings of transcendence, ultimate connection, and trust." The last time I had a traffic cone in my ass, I felt silly and rather conspicuous--not transcendent at all. Maybe I should give it another go.
So let's say I wanna put a traffic cone up my butt: how do I do it safely? "Many wannabe extreme butt players skimp on self-awareness and instead prime themselves with drugs to help them relax--or numb the pain," and numbing the pain, believe it or not, is a bad idea where butt play is concerned. According to Dr. Jack, pain is your butt's way of telling you that you're going too deep too fast. "Those who want to investigate large-object anal stimulation should skip drugs, except possibly a drink or two, and engage in self-exploration. Start with your own fingers and gradually progress to bigger butt plugs and dildos. Rule number one of all positive anal play: it should never, ever hurt."
What are the long-term effects of anal sex? My boyfriend loves it, but I've noticed some side effects: constipation for about 24 hours after and a temporary loss of control when I pass gas. I mean, it sounds like a wetsuit flappin' when I break wind! Is it possible that one day we'll stretch it out and it won't spring back? I'm a newbie at anal sex, but I love it. Will I need a colostomy bag one day?
"You won't need a colostomy bag--unless you're unfortunate enough to have part of your lower intestines removed because of cancer," said Dr. Jack. "I've been researching anal sexuality for almost a quarter century [nice work if you can get it!], and the vast majority of negative long-term effects result from ignoring signs that the anus is irritated and unhappy. Your constipation probably results from your anal/rectal muscles going into spasm after you've engaged in butt fucking you weren't ready for." What to do? "Don't have anal sex when you aren't sufficiently relaxed to enjoy it." As for that pesky and temporary "loss of control," Dr. Jack recommends Kegel exercises to tone up your anal sphincter. "Simply contract and relax your muscles--as if you're stopping and starting urine flow--for a few minutes each day in the shower. Not only will this shape up your sphincter and other pelvic muscles, but you may notice other benefits, like more intense orgasms and a lot less flapping in the wind."
Jack Morin's Anal Pleasure and Health is available at any decent bookstore, or directly from the swell gals and guys at Down There Press, 938 Howard St. #101, San Francisco, CA 94103; 415-974-8985.
Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.