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Savage Love



Hey, Faggot:

I have been dating my boyfriend for six months. I thought everything was fine until the other day when I was tidying up his apartment and came across what appeared to be a scrapbook--the kind with heavy construction-paper pages that one would normally put photos and cards in. However, when I looked through the book, I was disgusted to find pages and pages of dried semen stains. Some of the stains he had actually traced with a marker and commented on their size (i.e. "That was a good one!")! He told me he loved to masturbate, but is it normal to document it like this? Is this just a fetish, or is it something I should be worried about?


Hey, C:

Were you just "tidying up" when you came across your boyfriend's mondo-disgusto scrapbook or were you... snooping? I suspect the latter, as I doubt your boyfriend--however proud he is of those semen stains--would leave his scrapbook sitting on a coffee table in the living room, in plain view on his nightstand, or next to the toilet for his dump-taking guests to flip through. So before I offer you my analysis of your boyfriend's peculiar hobby, I want to upbraid you for snooping. You are a terrible, terrible person. For shame.

Now, as for your boyfriend's scrapbook--everybody, say it together: No, it's not normal. While technically not a fetish, your boyfriend's scrapbook could safely be called a kink. Some guys are enamored of their plumbing, and ejaculation gives 'em a special hey-I'm-the-man thrill. Some guys, fascinated by their ability to make spunk fly, go so far as to save--and sometimes savor--the volume, velocity, or splat-factor of their own orgasms. Again, not normal, but pretty harmless. Unless your boyfriend would rather fill his scrapbook than fill you, I don't see how his hobby damages your relationship. Your snooping around his apartment, on the other hand, could do real damage when he discovers it.

Hey, Faggot:

Me and my wife enjoy dildos. We use them vaginally on my wife and orally and anally on me, and we always wash them carefully when we are done. The problem is when I'm doing oral on any one of them, I get a burning sensation in my mouth and later in my throat. I once read that to get rid of the "plastic" smell you should run your dildos through your dishwasher, but this did not help. How can I get rid of the burning?

--Burning Man

Hey, BM:

If the dildos you and the wife enjoy are latex, you may have to get rid of them to get rid of the burning. You might be allergic to or easily irritated by latex. Or perhaps the soap you're washing your dildos with irritates your mouth and throat. The surface of a latex dildo is porous, covered with tiny pits and craters that can soak up soap, among other things. Throw away your old latex dildos and buy some made of silicone. The surface of a silicone dildo isn't porous, and many people irritated by latex can handle silicone. They're a little more expensive, but, hey, you're worth it.

Hey, Faggot:

I'm a single black heterosexual male writing to you in hopes of obtaining a few answers:

1. How long does it take for the female vagina to tighten after intercourse?

2. Are there any publications available that document various sexual positions?

3. Where can a person go to obtain information on getting into the adult entertainment industry? --Tyger

Hey, T:

1. An informal poll of three female office mates brought these responses: "Who wants to know?," "As long as it takes," and "About a month, why?"

2. Plenty: the Kama Sutra, The New Joy of Sex, The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex, the Starr report.

3. Los Angeles.

Hey, Faggot:

I am a 26-year-old female who has been in a committed heterosexual relationship for a little over a year. I recently revealed to my wonderfully understanding lover that I think I might be bisexual. We've talked, and he is extremely supportive.

I just need to know this: Where are the rest of the bisexuals in this town? I would like to find a support group or a place to go to meet and chat with other bisexuals. I want to make new bisexual friends with whom I would like to discuss my possibly budding bisexuality.

--Curious in San Francisco

Hey, CISF:

You live in San Franfuckingcisco--you want to meet bisexuals, leave the house. Everyone I know in San Francisco is bisexual--even the gay men. Why subject yourself to a support group?

But if you still feel you require support, you could join the Bay Area Bisexual Network (415-703-7977). Before you do, though, read this: "Bay Area Bisexual Network is by nature educational in that we are supporting the rights of all women and men to develop as whole beings without oppression due to age, race, religion, color, class, or different abilities, not because of sexual preference, gender identity, gender preference, and/or responsible consensual sexual behavior practices. We also support acceptance in employment, housing, health care, and education. This includes access to complete sexual information, free expression of responsible consensual sexual activity," blah blah blah.

I have two problems with the above mission statement. First, where are the classist, racist, antipapist bisexuals supposed to go for support? And second, why waste time locked in a room with the earnest committee that wrote the above when you could be out there getting laid?

Hey, Faggot:

A little while ago you tried to find out from some unhelpful porn-store employees just who it is that buys blow-up dolls. As the ex-manager of a porn shop in Delta, BC, Canada, I can tell you that straight, married, white-collar-type guys between the ages of 35 and 45 buy blow-up dolls. One said he was buying it to put in his sauna as a gag. One guy said it was a stag party gift. One guy was so eager after buying his that when I left the store, I found the box in the parking lot. We averaged five to six female dolls a month. The lone male doll I ordered from our supplier sat for two years unsold before I returned it for credit. Generally, the doll purchasers were not our regular video renters. Interestingly, in three years of working at the store, only one woman ever bought a dildo. Several guys bought dildos, about 15 or so a month, all claiming that they wanted to surprise their wife/girlfriend.

Twice I had elderly women come into the store looking for the craft shop that used to occupy the premises. Both were amused by the new store's merchandise and told me that they hoped to be seen leaving the store by friends. A refreshing attitude change, I thought. --Nina

Hey, N:

Thanks for sharing.

Confidential to Matt in Chicago:

You can trust me with your head shot.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.

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