I am writing you on behalf of the Peace Corps volunteers currently serving in Guatemala. We had the opportunity to read a few of your columns and nearly pissed ourselves laughing so hard. A friend of mine in the States sent me two of your columns, and I circulated them among quite a few volunteers. They were a big hit, and people started asking me if I could get more of them.
At times Peace Corps life can be a lonely, frustrating experience, so to receive some good ol' raunchy American humor (as found in your column) lifted all of our spirits. I was wondering if there was any way you could send us copies of current and/or back columns. Anything you can put together would be hugely appreciated.
All of us at home sure do appreciate the hard work the brave men and women of the United States Peace Corps are doing all over the world. Most of us aren't sure what it is you actually do--the war corps is easier to follow--but whatever it is you're up to in Guatemala (teaching English, building irrigation systems, black ops, harvesting the internal organs of local children for shipment back to the United States), please know that you have the full support of your friends at Savage Love.
In the spirit of Abigail Van Buren's Project Dear Abby--which encourages people to send cards and letters to American servicemen and -women--I am sending you three complimentary copies of the just-published collection of my columns, Savage Love: Straight Answers From America's Most Popular Sex Columnist. I hope you find this collection amusing. When you're done pissing yourself laughing, you could use these books to teach English to children who fail to meet the stringent standards of the CIA's--excuse me, I mean the Peace Corps'--organ-harvesting program. I will happily send you additional copies of Savage Love: Straight Answers From America's Most Popular Sex Columnist as needed. Just enclose a check for $12.95 US ($399.75 CAN) for each additional copy you need.
Speaking of my just-published column collection...
IT'S TIME FOR A SAVAGE LOVE TRIVIA CONTEST!
Savage Love: Straight Answers From America's Most Popular Sex Columnist is available now at finer bookstores everywhere. To celebrate the publication, and to get my assistant off my back ("Dan, you have to promote the book in your column! The publisher is screaming at me! 'Why isn't Dan promoting his book in the column?'"), we're having a Savage Love trivia contest! With fabulous prizes! Below you will find ten Savage Love trivia questions. If you've been paying attention, you should be able to answer these trivia questions with relative ease! A copy of Savage Love: Straight Answers From America's Most Popular Sex Columnist might help with one or two of the tougher questions, but you don't have to buy a copy to enter the contest!
Answer all ten questions to the best of your ability, place your answers in a stamped envelope addressed to Savage Love Trivia Contest, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611, enclose a letter of reference from a close friend or relative with your entry, and drop it all in the mail! It's easy! You could win a book, a box of Paper Mate fine-point pens, $10 cash, or--a fabulous dream vacation!
SAVAGE LOVE TRIVIA CONTEST QUESTIONS!
1. Dan once compared women's genitals to a food product dropped from a great height. What was that product?
2. How does a cock ring work?
3. How many quarts of semen are wiped up in the United States with Kleenex-brand tissues every year?
4. In a question about brother-sister incest, all three of Dan's heterosexual siblings (a) denied ever having sex with each other, (b) confessed to having sex with each other all through high school, (c) refused to cooperate with the investigation, obstructed justice, and committed perjury.
5. How did Dr. Barak Gaster, Savage Love's resident medical consultant, answer this question: "Is it safe to let someone pee up your butt?" (a) "Yuck." (b) "Urine is pretty sterile." (c) "It's probably no big deal." (d) All of the above.
6. What is the full name of the shrink of Dan's research assistant, Kevin?
7. List four sexually transmitted diseases you can get sucking dick or eating pussy.
8. You're touring the booming metropolis of Felch, named for Governor Elfius Felch. What state are you in?
9. True or false: Dan has cited Sex for Christians: The Limits and Liberties of Sexual Living by Lewis B. Smedes in his column on more than one occasion.
10. What are three important differences between a dildo and a butt plug?
Bonus essay question: What was your favorite Savage Love column ever?
Third prize: The first 50 entrants who answer three or more questions correctly will receive an autographed copy of--surprise!--Savage Love: Straight Answers From America's Most Popular Sex Columnist! If you purchased Savage Love: Straight Answers From America's Most Popular Sex Columnist in order to answer the tougher trivia questions, give that copy to a friend and keep your signed, limited edition, leather-bound Savage Love: Straight Answers From America's Most Popular Sex Columnist for your home library!
Second prize: The first five entrants who answer five or more questions correctly will receive a copy of Savage Love: Straight Answers From America's Most Popular Sex Columnist, a box of Paper Mate fine-point pens, and a $10 bill!
Grand prize: The names of entrants who correctly answer seven or more trivia questions will be placed in a hat. One name will be drawn at random, and that lucky Savage Love reader will win...an all-expenses-paid, two-day, one-night dream trip to Las Vegas! And you won't be going to Vegas alone! Are you sitting down? Kevin Patnik and Dan Savage will be your hosts! That's right! You'll spend two days and one night in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada, with the author of Savage Love and his trusty research assistant! Dan will be there to advise you ("Oh, please! No one goes to Circus Circus anymore!"), and Kevin will help with all of your research needs ("According to what I found at the library, it appears that the house typically wins"). You'll have your own hotel room, a generous food allowance, and we'll even hook you up with two rolls of nickels to get you started at the slots!
What are you waiting for? You can't win if you don't enter!
The fine print:
Your brief letter of reference from a friend or loved one should contain an assurance that you, the entrant, are someone Kevin and I would want to spend two days with in Las Vegas--i.e. that you are reasonably well groomed, emotionally stable, not Isadora Alman, etc.
Employees of newspapers that run Savage Love, Ruth's Chris Steak House, ABCNEWS.com, and anyone who served as an officer in the armed forces of an Axis power during the great patriotic war are ineligible. All entries must be postmarked no later than November 13. No extra time will be awarded to persons with learning disabilities. Winner will be announced in this space in early December.
Good luck to all!
Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.