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Savage Love


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Hey, Faggot:

I'm a 23-year-old beautiful, Anna Nicole Smith-type bisexual girl. I always receive an overwhelming amount of attention from both sexes. I have always had powerful sexual feelings for gay and bisexual men who are stereotypically queeny and effeminate. I admire and am fascinated by them. To me, heterosexual men are boring and disgusting (I worked in the sex industry and left completely turned off to breeder men). Women are fabulous--they mentally and physically stimulate me--but I'm not sure I want to live a completely lesbian lifestyle.

My secret is that at night I pretend to be a fabulous homosexual man in the gay chat rooms on the Internet. It turns me on to imagine myself as a gay man, and the men in the chat rooms respond extremely well to my persona. I masturbate during and after I chat. I have had lots of experience reversing roles and using a strap-on with men, and I truly enjoy it. I have also been in threesomes with bisexual male couples and loved it. Note: I have a very high sex drive and do not plan on having a serious relationship or "settling down" anytime soon. I love cheap thrills! What do you think?

--Chicago Girl

Hey, CG:

What do I think about what? Did you have a question? Is something troubling you about your desires? I mean, is there a reason you sent me a letter? You're young, you're fun, you're bi, you have an active fantasy life, you pretend to be someone you're not on-line, you're attracted to swishy guys. What do I think? I think it's all good; I don't think there's a problem here. Do you?

If "What do you think?" was a general question, a nonsequiturish aside, here's some of what I think: While I never doubted Bill Clinton exposed himself to Paula Jones, now that she's been given a new nose and $850,000 to shut up and go away, isn't it clear the woman is trailer trash, as James Carville pointed out long ago, and that she was after money all along? Also, now that voters have done their best to protect Clinton from Ken Starr, shouldn't Clinton spend some political capital protecting other targets of the special prosecutor? Webster Hubbell and Susan McDougal could use a couple of presidential pardons, I'm thinking, and no one but Sam and Cokie would mind. Former prez George Bush pardoned Caspar Weinberger and other Iran-Contra cronies before he left office; why can't Clinton do the same?

And I think Prince Charles, with his approval ratings at an all-time high, should go ahead and marry Camilla Parker-Bowles, his longtime mistress and the woman he should have married in the first place. Fuck being head of the Church of England, Charles: unless you hire her a French chauffeur, it's not likely your mother is ever going to die. So why not do what millions of your divorced subjects have done: remarry?

Hey, Faggot:

I recently had a sexual encounter that left me a medical mystery: I don't know if I'm a virgin or not. You see, I was a virgin when I started messing around with this girl. After we agreed that we wanted to have sex, I put a condom on and inserted my member into her vagina. However, a moment later, I pulled out because it just wasn't "right." So, do you think I'm still a virgin? After all, I didn't have sex. But I did insert. My friends are split about fifty-fifty on the question of whether I'm still a virgin or not. Since you're the sexpert, I thought I might run it past you.

--Am I a Virgin

Hey, AIAV:

Let's suppose your little friend--meaning the girl you messed around with--was also a virgin. You put on a condom, inserted your member, busted her hymen, and pulled out a moment later because it wasn't "right." Is your little friend still a virgin? Technically speaking, no, she's not. In the time it took you to ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?," decide that Jesus would pull out, tell your partner this wasn't "right," and withdraw your membership, her hymen and her virtue were history.

So far as this sexpert is concerned, if she's not a virgin anymore, neither are you. If your rationale for still considering yourself a virgin is that you didn't have an orgasm, well, by your logic millions of old married women with children all over the world could be considered virgins.

However, I will concede that virginity is highly subjective, more so for boys than girls, and if you want to consider yourself a virgin, that's your right. But the next time you're thinking about losing your virginity, ask yourself "What would Jesus do?" before you put on the condom and stick your member in someone, OK?

Hey, Faggot:

I met a guy on the Internet about five months ago. He's from England and about seven years older than me. There's nothing between us except for friendship. When he moved someplace where we couldn't communicate by Internet, we kept in touch by writing each other letters. I included my phone number in a letter but he never called me. And he declined my request to send a picture. Well, he's coming to the midwest soon to attend university and is planning on dropping by Chicago to see me. Should I offer him a place to stay?

I have never seen him or talked to him on the phone and feel kind of strange about letting him stay at my place. I live with my parents and I'm still in the closet. I don't know what will happen if I offer to let him stay at my house. On the other hand, staying in a hotel is not cheap. And what if he's expecting me to let him stay here? He seems like a very nice guy. Tell me what I should do!

--Toaster Master

Hey, TM:

If he's a nice guy, he'll understand why you're not comfortable asking a man you've never seen or spoken with to stay at your parents' house. Help him find a cheap hotel or a youth hostel near your house, and hang out with him while he's in town. If he's as nice in person as he is on-line, and it's clear he won't out you to your parents, maybe he could spend a couple of money-saving nights at your place toward the end of his visit. If he's expecting to stay with you, he's expecting too much of a pen pal and could have other expectations you might not be comfortable with.

Hey, Faggot:

My friend Elantra and I have a bet on this. She is under the impression that pubic hair can't go gray. I believe it can. Can you settle this once and for all?

--Pubic Puzzlement

Hey, PP:

The women in my family tend to go gray early, so make no assumptions about the age of my Aunt Peggy, who has graciously agreed to field your question. "The answer, which I only found out recently, is yes. I've been informed I have gray hair down there." Peggy dyes the hair on her head; does she plan to dye the hair in her pants? "No, it's not worth the bother. And it's only seen during private consultations."

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, 60611.

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