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Savage Love


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Hey, Faggot:

Every few months my girlfriend and I rent a porn video. We find this to be an exciting experience. Since we are each other's only sex partners, our movie nights have provided us with sexual variety in a safe way. These videos have inspired a fantasy: making one ourselves. We've actually tried this out with our camcorder, but holding the camera steady is troublesome considering our preoccupation with other activities. It's dawned on us that perhaps we should find someone else to do the filming.

Are there people who provide this type of service? If so, how do we know we can trust them? Is it legal? Do they charge a lot? Any alternate suggestions? --DN

Hey, DN:

"I don't take that kind of work," said Greg Becker of San Francisco's Highlight Productions, which claims to be a full-service video production company. While he's frequently asked to work on porn, Greg always declines. "Mostly people ask me to do postproduction, editing porn that someone else shot. I don't have anything against porn, but editing it would mean having to listen to 'oh oh oh' all day long, and I don't think I could stand it." Is there a company that would shoot these two lovebirds? "There's probably someone out there willing to do it. If they look, they'll find that person eventually."

In the phone book there are hundreds of listings for companies that make videos of weddings, first communions, and corporate meetings--whatever. Some fly-by-night video company would, Greg agreed, be willing to tape you and the girlfriend going at it. "I don't think there's a problem, legally speaking, so long as they're both consenting adults," he told me. "It's not illegal to make a porn video, you know, unless they want to make a snuff film or something."

As for safety, Greg recommends that you find someone you trust--perhaps a friend who's a filmmaker?--or that you have control of the tapes at all times. There's a huge market for amateur porn, and if you lose track of those tapes long enough for them to be dubbed, well, you could find yourselves on the cover of a video or on-line just like Pamela and Tommy Lee.

Once you find a professional videographer, what could you expect a video shoot to cost? "That's really hard to say. How many locations? How many people are in the shoot? How much editing and postproduction will need to be done?" Two people, one location, an hour long? "My guess would be somewhere between five to eight thousand dollars for a professional quality product."

Finally, did Greg have any alternate suggestions? "If the only problem they had making home videos was difficulty holding the camera, they could use a tripod."

Hey, Faggot:

Pregnant women sexually excite me. Are there any escort services or massage parlors that cater to men who love mothers-to-be? --BC

Hey, BC:

There aren't massage parlors or escort services that specialize in mothers-to-be--think of the staff turnover!--but female escorts and erotic masseuses do, like other women, find themselves pregnant from time to time. Your best bet is to call around, letting your local escort services and massage parlors know you're interested in a sexually exciting pregnant woman. If they've got one on staff, or one on maternity leave, maybe they can set you up.

Hey, Faggot:

I am a 24-year-old male, and I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half. During the summer of '97 I was across the country working and my girlfriend dumped me, then a little while later asked me back. During the time we were officially apart, I messed around a little. It didn't go past oral sex, and when I got home I told my girlfriend about it. She told me that she "messed around" too. I could live with that. What she didn't tell me, and what I found out four months later, was that she also fucked this other guy. I'm not sure whether to leave her. The past four months have been great, but we've been living under false pretenses. Also, I'm having trouble believing her when she claims she's told me everything. She says she loves me and that it all happened at a different point in our relationship, but I don't know if I want to be continue in an untrusting relationship! --Tortured

Hey, T:

Everything depends on what you both meant by "messed around." When you returned to Toronto and you confessed mutual "messing around" while you were "officially apart," did you go into detail? Did you define "messing around," or did you both assume the other knew what you meant? If her definition includes fucking, well, then she didn't lie or mislead you; what you had was a li'l Clintonian misunderstanding.

If it was clear that "messing around" meant sexual activity that did not go above and beyond oral sex, then perhaps she misled you. But even if she lied to you, so what? Lovers lie to each other all the time--I tell my boyfriend three lies every day before breakfast--and if you can't forgive someone you love, who can you forgive? This relationship is only "untrusting" in so much as you haven't made up your mind to trust her again.

You weren't together when she fucked this guy, so she didn't cheat on you. Her sins were of omission (not telling you right away), not commission (since she was single and had every right), and if you can't find it in yourself to forgive her an omission, well, maybe she's better off without you.

Hey, Faggot:

I was really disappointed in your response to RC, the 55-year-old man you advised to give up on his search for love and sex and "reconcile [himself] to being alone."

In your list of "obvious things" you assume RC tried to remedy his situation, you don't mention therapy. Twenty years ago, I was frustrated and angry as hell at a life that seemed to be going nowhere, sex-, love-, or careerwise. It was one of your colleagues, Ann Landers (no snickers, please), and her repeated advice to various parties to seek counseling that led me to give it a try. Guess what? It worked. I'm not Mr. Perfect, but today I have a career, a family, and a wife who loves me. I'm still seeing a therapist--my fourth--and a good therapist can probably help RC discover what baggage gets in the way of his having a relationship.

So, RC, don't give up. Find a therapist you're comfortable with and be ready to listen to his/her feedback without putting up a lot of defenses or denials. I'm not promising it will bring you the love and sex you're looking for, but it's got to be better than believing you're destined to be alone. --Furry

Hey, Furry:

What's so awful about being alone? I'm glad you got it together--though it's typical that you've been in therapy seemingly forever--but not everyone is destined to be coupled. Folks destined to be alone, and who would be happier alone, don't reconcile themselves to being alone because they've been duped into believing it's a fate worse than death. It's not.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.

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