Your column used to be full of questions from total freaks--people fucking their dogs, screwing their moms, or eating their poo--but now it's all normal letters from normal people with normal problems. They ask boring questions, you give realistic (and therefore boring) advice, and while letter writers' problems may be solved, your readers are not entertained! Where are all the creepy letters from freaky dog fuckers?
--Missing the Dog Fuckers
Where are the creepy letters from freaky dog fuckers? Well, MDF, that's a question I've been asking myself recently. Dog fuckers just haven't been sending me letters. Not only haven't I been getting letters from dog fuckers, but I haven't heard much from mom screwers or poo eaters in the last couple years either. Where have all the dog fuckers, mom screwers, and poo eaters gone? I have a couple theories.
Theory number one: There just aren't as many people fucking dogs, screwing moms, or eating poo today as there were in the mid-90s. Americans are busier than ever, amassing wealth at the speed of thought, leaving busy pervs with little time to pursue their twisted pleasures. The people who would've been fucking dogs, screwing moms, and eating poo in '94--and sending me letters about it--are simply too busy day trading, yapping on cell phones, and making bids on eBay to sit down and write me a letter.
Theory number two: When I addressed dog fucking, mom screwing, and poo eating in earlier columns, I came out strongly against all of these activities. Perhaps my unfriendly treatment of dog fuckers, mom screwers, and poo eaters drove these perverts into the arms of more bestiality-, incest-, scat-friendly advice professionals, such as Dr. Laura and Miss Manners.
Please bear in mind that these theories about the disappearance of dog fuckers, mom screwers, and poo eaters are just theories. And as such, my theories of disappearing dog fuckers, mom screwers, and poo eaters, like Mr. Darwin's theory of evolution, can't be taught in public schools in Kansas.
My boyfriend and I have always had a great sex life. But one night when we were about to have sex, my pit bull "Killer" (not his real name) jumped onto the bed. I was about to shoo Killer off the bed, but "Dave" (not his real name) said no, let him stay. I was pissed, but I let it slide. After a while, though, I wanted to get back to business, and I tried pushing Killer off the bed. Dave said that I was being mean.
Then I noticed that Dave was kind of rubbing against the dog. I was really weirded out, so I went to the bathroom. When I got back Killer was gone. Over the next few weeks, Dave started bringing the dog to bed more and more. Also, for the past two weeks Dave hasn't gotten an erection unless the dog's nearby, and he pets Killer a lot more "thoroughly" than he used to. I love Dave and Killer, but I don't think I can handle this. Should I mention this to Dave? Please help. --Freaked-Out in NY
While FONY hasn't witnessed any actual dog fucking, only "thorough" dog petting, I thought this letter might placate you, MDF.
OK, FONY, here's the deal: I'm not sure your letter is genuine, but if it is, here's my advice: break up with Dave and have Killer put down. Any guy who prefers your dog to your pussy isn't worth your time, and any dog that gets between his mistress and her boyfriend isn't worth the heartache.
My supersexy girlfriend has a supersexy mom, and I've been totally into her mom since I met her. From the way her mom acted around me, I was sure she was thinking that way about me too. So I ended up doing it with my girlfriend's mom when my girlfriend wasn't around. Now I'm having sex with both of them, and her mom is getting jealous and more possessive each time we have sex. What do I do?
--Brains in My Balls
While BMB hasn't engaged in any mom screwing, only potential-mother-in-law screwing, I thought this letter might placate you, MDF.
OK, BMB, here's the deal: your girlfriend is sexy, her mother is sexy, and you're fucking both of them. What do you do? Stop complaining, for starters, and enjoy this while it lasts. Soon mom's jealousy will prompt her to tell your girlfriend what's been going on, and once the beans are spilled one of two things will happen: your girlfriend will prove to be just as skanky as her mother and be OK with sharing (highly unlikely unless they're Mormon, but may result in some hot three-ways); or your girlfriend isn't a skank and won't be OK with sharing, and she'll dump you (much more likely, but hopefully you can keep seeing mom).
I know your newspaper column is for questions, but this is a special favor I am going to ask. I live in Pennsylvania and I have a boyfriend, also from Pennsylvania. He works in New York City three days during the week. He loves reading your column. I hope you are understanding this letter. English is not my first language. Well, here is the favor. I would appreciate if you would print the following poem dedicated to my boyfriend:
Though you are not here
Wherever I go
I see your face in my mind
And I miss you so
I miss telling you everything
I miss showing you things
I miss your touch
I miss our excitement together
I wish that I could be
With you right now
Where the warmth of our love
Would melt the winter snows
But since I can't be
I will be content
When we will be together. --Picolo
While Picolo hasn't been eating poo, only writing "poetry," I thought this letter might placate you, MDF, since most poetry is total crap. This beautiful poem, however, is an exception. Well done, Picolo, well done. Your boyfriend is a lucky man.
A study of penile size relating to sexual orientation did take place. The study can be found in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior. It is titled "The Relation Between Sexual Orientation and Penile Size," and the authors are Bogaert and Hershberger. It can be found in the June 1999 issue, volume 28, number three.
They examined 5,122 cocks, 935 homo, 4,187 breeder. According to the article, the gay penis is significantly bigger than the straight penis on all five measures from the Kinsey protocol. Thought you would want to know. --Your friendly research librarians, Trisha Spanbauer and Luke Walczyk
Conflicting reports about a gay versus straight cock study continue to pour in. Some readers insist the study is a hoax (straight male readers?), while others insist it's for real (gay male readers?). My good friend and colleague Professor Willis Johnson at the University of Chicago is sending me a copy of the study so that I can read it, digest it, and report back to Savage Love readers. In the meantime, my assistant Kevin will continue to conduct his own research on this very sensitive subject.
Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611 or to email@example.com.