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I am a 38-year-old male who loves to have relationships and hot sex with women over 50--way over 50. I had the best sex of my life with a 71-year-old widow several years ago, so the older the better is my motto! Are there any organizations or clubs I can join that would assist me in my search for the ultimate older woman of my dreams? I am a former bodybuilder, and I still have a "hot and tight" body. What I want is an older woman who needs a man who will worship her from head to toe like an Egyptian love slave. Is that asking too much?

--Spike

If you're serious about your motto--"the older the better"--then the club you should join is the American Association of Retired Persons. "AARP has 33 million members," said Tom Otwell, AARP's national spokesman, "with the median age being 67. We have members from age 50 to well over 100." Is AARP a good way for single people to meet mature partners? "We have 4,000 chapters. Some are more social than others, some more politically active than others. But being active in a chapter certainly creates opportunities to mingle with like-minded folks." Plus, odds and male mortality rates would seem to favor you, Spike: almost 60 percent of AARP's members are female, many of them widowed.

But alas, at 38 you're too young to join AARP. "Fifty is the age of membership eligibility," Tom told me, "but if someone is married to another person who is 50 or older, then that person automatically becomes a member when their spouse joins." Did Tom have any suggestions for someone not yet old enough for AARP who wanted to meet, oh, women old enough to be longtime AARP members? "Um, I guess I would give the standard advice: Get involved in social activities, take some classes, do some volunteer work. A lot of volunteer organizations rely heavily on older folks to fill their ranks, and someone could meet any number of older people that way."

To join AARP, send $8 to the American Association of Retired Persons Membership Center, PO Box 199, Long Beach, CA 90848-9983. Along with your membership card you'll receive a subscription to--are you sitting down?--Modern Maturity, the AARP magazine (probably some good one-handed reading for you, Spike). You don't have to provide proof of age to join--just check the "I'm 50!" box--and Tom tells me the September-October issue of Modern Maturity has a cover story on "Great Sex: What's Age Got to Do With It?"

Anything in that issue about the pros and cons of younger men worshiping older women like Egyptian love slaves? "I don't think I'm going to comment on that," said Tom, who suddenly had to take another call.

Where can I meet older women in Edmonton, Alberta? I find them more erotic than women my own age. I'm 30 and enjoy women between the ages of 35-45, but can't seem to find a place in Edmonton to meet them. --Mike

"If I were looking for older women, I would go to the opera," said Richard Cairney, editor of See magazine in Edmonton, "or hang around bingo halls. Gambling is legal here, and casinos are always full of older, single women. I would think Palace Casino at West Edmonton Mall, which is the second-biggest mall on earth after the Mall of America in Minnesota, would be a good place."

While you can find lots of old ladies at the opera and the casino, I'm sure you can find plenty of 35-to-45-year-old women just about anywhere. But if you're so socially inept you strike out everywhere--including the Palace Casino--you still have options. There are several escort agencies in Edmonton's yellow pages--Jade Garden Escorts features "blondes, brunettes, exotic and mature" women--and See's classifieds are packed with indie escorts. Brittany (780-413-1669), a 40-year-old redheaded "British escort," sounds like your type, as does Gloria (780-413-3161), a 45-year-old who describes herself as a full-time secretary and part-time escort. Rrowwrr!

Two years ago I was seduced by a female client 20 years my senior. The sex was the hottest, sweetest, most intensely erotic experience of my life. Since then I've developed a desire for mature women that borders on the obsessive. In spite of this, I've a real problem meeting them! Although I don't solicit from personal ads, I do read them, and it seems that most women (at least those who submit personals) prefer men in their own age group or older. Women in their 40s and beyond just don't seem to notice men under 30.

Where can I find older women attracted to younger men? Is there a club that caters to my particular persuasion? A publication? Web site? Anything at all? The situation is getting desperate: I'm currently a full-time student, and one of my lecturers is an utterly captivating lady of 50 or so. I spend the entire class making cow eyes at her, hiding my erection with a notepad. When I see other attractive older women, my reaction is the same. Any suggestions? --Tyke

Work on your presentation. Most women, regardless of age, avoid men with erections who are making cow eyes at them, especially when they're trying to work. Try making conversation, not cow eyes, and learn to control yourself. (Nothing draws attention to a student's erection like feeble attempts to hide it under a notebook.) If you were less of a spaz, mature women would risk getting within 20 yards of you, and you wouldn't need to join a club.

Not that there's a club for you to join. Bill Brent edits and publishes The Black Book, which he describes as North America's foremost guide to alternative sexuality, defined by Bill as "any sex that is not about a man and a woman making a baby." The Black Book lists clubs, publications, vendors, support groups, and Web sites all over the United States and Canada, from A (Abco Research Associates, "makers of high-tech masturbation machines for men and women built to last a lifetime") to Z ("ZOO: The Zoophiliac Outreach Organization, [where] zoophiles can obtain nonprofessional advice and support from each other").

If clubs existed for younger men and older women, Bill would know about them. Guess what? Not only aren't any such clubs currently listed in The Black Book, but Bill doesn't think there will ever be one. Fetish clubs are for folks whose pleasures might be misunderstood by their friends and neighbors. Your preference for older women isn't anything you should be ashamed of. If you're attracted to older women, then all you need to do is ask 'em out, a no-stress, low-stakes option that isn't really available to other, kinkier folks.

Since most older women figure younger men are interested in women around their own age or younger--a reasonable assumption--even those who might be interested in a younger man are unlikely to say so in a personal ad. "Go ahead and answer some ads," said Bill. "If he can impress women with his mature spirit"--something you won't be able to do if you're hiding your erection with a notebook--"maybe his age in years won't matter so much. And he might find that one of the women whose ad he answers is interested in younger guys."

To order a copy of The Black Book call 800-818-8823.

Dan Savage's new book, The Kid, is in bookstores now.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611 or to letters@savagelove.net.

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